Mixedemotions

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I didn’t have many suicidal thoughts, this time around, I have them often. The last time I’ve thought about dying was over a week ago. I’ve never acted on my thoughts and they go away after a few hours. At first my reasons for not going through with them (if I ever did) was that I didn’t want to leave family and friends behind. My thinking on that has changed. I’ve had moments of deep despair that people didn’t matter anymore. I feel like it would be better if I did leave and everyone would be fine, that my existence is not that important to begin with. In my moments of feeling nameless emotions or a mix of emotions, the negative thoughts over power everything. I try to change those thoughts, but they always come back and all I can do most times is to either pretend that I’m fine or isolate myself while biting the skin off my lips, wishing that I was somewhere else. I’ve believed for a long time that no one would want me, especially if they knew that I’m mentally ill or the degree of my illness(es). On the outside, I look like a functioning human being, but if I were to put my mind into a machine that read its contents, I’m sure people would look at me differently. But as much as I want to be close to others, I find it hard to do so because I’m afraid to let people in. I think it would be better for me to be alone than to put other people through hell dealing with me. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Beingalone #aloneinlife #Mixedemotions #NamelessFeeling #skinpicking #NOLOVEFORME #MentalHealth

Even though I’m not necessarily suicidal and the stereotypical depressed person that mopes about and hates life, I just have zero motivation to do things. Mostly, the things I love doing, or rather, used to love doing. I am the apathy queen. I just feel like it doesn’t matter anymore and that it’s just so much effort. I used to be an artist and draw all the time but now I just lay in bed on my phone and waste away. I used to love even watching Netflix or a favorite show but even that joy is now gone too. Nothing brings me joy anymore... besides my current boyfriend and perhaps fleeting joys like food, sex, and music. How do you spark passion again into your life? How do I even begin to start feeling that way again? I can barely walk to the shower to wash myself after of couple days of not washing let alone work out, enjoy hobbies, or do anything healthy for that matter (anything a neurotypical would be able to do with ease). I’m apathetic but I’m not pessimistic. I’m a ball of joy, an extrovert, give good advise, idealistic, smddupportive, and capable of holding a job. Yet I am unable to sit through a tv show without thinking of the void and the inevitability of death. Is it just me? Why am I so sad doing things that are supposed to be fun? #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #apathy #Sadness #Mixedemotions #Motivation

Who is your favorite person and what have you been meaning to tell him/her but can’t?!
#FavoritePerson # #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD ##ImSafeHere ##Mixedemotions ##TheLuckyCharm

I’m in a controlling relationship and everyone sees it, I know it’s not right but don’t wanna leave him . I don’t know what to do, what can I do to make him understand without him being suicidal #Mixedemotions #conflicted #Controlling

I feel like this all the time...

So yesterday I was told I was being referred to a psychiatrist to investigate whether I may have bipolar or cyclothymia. I am so angry about it all today, I just don’t know what to think. I am angry at my parents for even meeting and creating me. I never asked for any of this.
There are more deep circumstances behind all of this I guess I just needed to vent