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    But Then My Apathy, Depression, and Half of My Pain Lifted…

    WHAT A JOURNEY! I have been AWOL from here for five months! I have been pretty ill for most of that time. My doctor put me on two new meds in late September and it has taken me this long to get out from under such nasty side effects that I was literally debilitated. My doc wouldn’t hear me. All she saw was my weight.

    I finally did some research on the drugs’ common side effects and took myself off of them, tapering the dose carefully to prevent shocking my body and reduce withdrawal symptoms. In addition, my doctor had encouraged me to taper off pregabalin (Lyrica) because it did not seem to be helping the way it used to and I believed I was suffering from side effects from this drug as well.

    It turns out I was right on both counts!
    Once off the first two meds, my anxiety and several other side effects vanished. But here is a celebration: when I got off the Pregabalin my apathy was gone! I mean that when I stuck to my routine of hiding in my nest, I found I no longer wanted to stay there. I sincerely wanted to get up and do things. I started organizing myself, cleaning, doing a LOT of healthy self-care. I started walking again.

    I also finally got an appointment with a therapist after a six-month wait list. I felt at ease with her right away and shared my story. In our second session she told me I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and complex PTSD. What?!

    After 57 years of suffering, she validated my traumas. She heard me and said I’m making sense and it looks clear to her that I have suffered. She wanted to discuss how we are going to rewire my feelings around the trauma. What?!

    I let my tormentors (family members) know about the news that a professional had validated the trauma they caused and to please leave me alone while I heal. It felt like I put down all of my “baggage” and was free. Free of all of that self-doubt, free of confusion, of shame, of grief, free of depression, of guilt, and of even more of the physical pain I had grown used to.

    It wasn’t my fault! I’m so happy it is amazing! I still get triggered, but I’m managing pretty well and will be starting EMDR therapy this week. And I still have chronic physical pain from fibromyalgia, but it is much easier to manage since I felt validated.

    I also was diagnosed with sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine to make sure my brain gets sufficient oxygen all night long. This has done wonders for my brain fog, lack of energy and general sluggishness.

    Do NOT go off any medication without discussing it with your doctor first. But DO look up it’s side effects and make a list of any that you experience… and think about asking for an alternative if you think those side effects are holding you down from living.

    If trauma is what keeps you down, ask your doctor for trauma resources.

    If you wake up tired, get a sleep study. You can do it remotely right from home. You deserve to breathe all night long.

    Get the help you need and FEEL BETTER!

    Drug Info: www.drugs.com

    #apathy #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Caregiving #SideEffects

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    I just learned that in students who are dealing with a low amount of challenge become apathetic but when skill is not applied they become anxious.

    I'm apathetic. Day after day. I have reasons to live and I practice gratitude daily but I often lack motivation because I'm not being challenged and can't develop skill.

    Does anyone else experience or are currently experiencing being stuck?

    #apathy #anxious #challenge #Bipolar #euthymia

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    Do you experience emotional numbness? What triggers it and how do you… feel about it?

    I won’t sugarcoat things: This time of year can be rough.

    From dredging up both good and bad memories to being pressured by society to feel renewed and excited for the new year while also setting goals that aren’t exactly self-esteem boosters, it’s easy to find ourselves overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. If you’re anything like me, this inner turmoil might lead you to feeling emotionally numb. In addition to this already stressful time of year, a couple of my loved ones are dealing with new health crises that have brought up emotions I’d rather not deal with at this time. While I’m usually a bit annoyed when I experience emotional numbness, I think I’m OK dealing with this round of numbness until my therapy appointment later this week.

    Now I want to hear from you: Do you ever experience emotional numbness? What are your triggers? How do you, for lack of a better term, feel about feeling numb?

    #CheckInWithMe #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #letstalkdepression #apathy

    61 reactions 29 comments

    Why does it feel like everything is pointless even though my brain knows exactly what is the purpose of most things in life

    I often think of severely disabled people that have accomplished more than me, who have a much more positive outlook on life unlike me, who it seems deserve to live more than me, like I'm a waste. My university degree costs more than I am worth and I am steadily failing it. Nothing makes sense, and I can't talk about it to anyone, very small things discourage me and I don't do anything for the rest of the day. Why am I like this. #Depression #School #studentlife #Happiness #sense #pointoflife #senseoflife #makesnosense #Life #goals #Motivation #apathy

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    Covid-19 = Apathy Without Guilt

    I was struggling with serious brain fog every morning for awhile there and trying to rage against it with no luck. Then I got Covid-19 and spent 11 days (so far) unable to do anything. I will do an at-home test again today to see if I am officially over it, but my energy level is as low as ever. The only good thing I can say about it is that since testing positive I can at least allow myself to be in a state of rest all day without feeling guilty about it.
    I hope everyone out there is being kind to themselves!

    #apathy #Depression #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue

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    I Want to Post Interesting and Helpful Content for You…

    …but I’ve currently got NUTHIN. No energy. No ideas. No inspiration. No initiative. Nothing but apathy and exhaustion at the moment. I just saw my new doctor yesterday and believe she is going to fix this problem. I will soon do a sleep study and my meds is being reviewed to figure out how to reduce or remove my apathy side effect issue.

    Cheery bye!

    #apathy #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia

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    A Vital Truth

    I’m pretty sure that I posted this image before, but it is so helpful to remember—especially with chronic illness, I think. For my various ailments, I continue to learn so much from reading about what other sufferers experience. This is from someone who has health issues of different sorts for over 25 years. The unknown is so much more difficult and uncomfortable than the known. This is why it can be easier to walk in the boot prints someone else has already made in new snow.

    In addition, my strength, patience and determination to survive seem to get a significant boost in growth when my symptoms are validated by others who are making the same journey. It’s like magic to recognize myself in a description of someone else’s symptoms. Then I feel like saying, “Oh good. Other people experience the same thing. My case is recognizable to the experts. Not unknown.”

    Something else that feels magic is when I reach out to encourage and validate others, or when I share part of my story. When we give back to a community of our fellow sufferers, we have no idea how many we may have helped. The ripples of our sharing might keep going and going. It is a lovely feeling to experience feedback that part of my story resonated with others. So kudos to you if you know this kind of happiness and satisfaction already. And gentle encouragement to others to stretch yourself a little farther out of your comfort zone to reclaim your day/life from apathy.

    Hey, don’t let your symptoms isolate you more than you can bear. Once you let yourself get too used to lack of socialization, it can be a struggle to go back. I speak from experience. Keep challenging yourself to claim or reclam more of the life you want for yourself. You deserve it!

    #apathy #BipolarDepression #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #PTSD #ChronicFatigue #SleepApnea

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    I’m fakin it about half the time lately!

    But that means at least half of the time I’m doing ok! I’ll take it!

    I took a walk today and I hated it and it was glorious. Both are true. It was a beautiful day in spite of a smoky haze blown here from a wildfire. (I am not in danger.) I loved seeing more of my new neighborhood. When you walk you see so many delightful details that you miss when in a car or even biking—sculpture, gardens, architectural details, decorative tiles in the sidewalk. There are unfamiliar plants and bugs here, which is amazing. But my feet hurt. A lot.

    After the walk I sort of glowed with heat radiating off of me and a sheen of sweat, which is not my favorite. And I glowed on the inside too, which I love! I have resisted walking when I have forgotten that it is always a net gain. So silly of me.

    Go walk. Go laugh. Go do that thing you know is good for you but you put it off anyway. Go do that. You’re worth it. ☀️🌻

    #apathy #Depression #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness

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    When You Need to Smile

    I really hate depression. It’s so flipping depressing! I’m trying everything I know to shake off my current bout with The Blues. Amusing factoids like on this list do make me smile, but the effect goes away after I’m finished reading them.

    What are some of your Go To self-helps for depression?

    #Depression #Fibromyalgia #BipolarDepression #apathy #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness


    Struggling But Determined to Fly

    In my life there are a generous handful of reasons for me to feel depressed. Multiple medications I take have a known side-effect of apathy. My chronic pain is currently on the high side. Plus today’s cultural climate really sucks the wind out of my sails on multiple fronts. Cheers! After enjoying an amazing haiatus from depression and anxiety and chronic pain, I moved house and am struggling a bit.

    BUT, I refuse to sink slowly to the bottom right now. My instinct is telling me to fight it and fill my life with all of the therapies I know can make a positive impact on me.

    Don’t get me wrong. I think taking a periodic break from trying to ignore your symptoms by numbing out is an important part of managing my chronic illness. I know that I regularly become exhausted from experiencing continuous pain and need to give myself something new to feel on top of the pain or next to it somehow. The pain will still be there, but more in the background. Sometimes I vape cannabis, or I get lost reading or in creating something or I take an epsom salt bath or get a massage. A good cry works. Other times I seek out reasons to laugh.

    Does everyone else try to self-medicate with laughter? It’s a helpful uplifting strategy I recommend you start experimenting with it. Find your favorite kind of funny. Look at silly animal videos or watch your favorite comedians do stand-up. Watch goofy sit-coms. Read satire. Whatever works for you! Find the funny around you and try to laugh as often as you need to.

    Protect your peace.

    #apathy #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #Caregiving