Narcissticabuse

Narcissistic Abuse typically occurs in those that have NPD but while this is widely believed to be true not everyone with narcissistic traits has NPD. After doing some research on Narcissistic abuse I have found that I identify with a lot of the tactics they use to abuse and control their victims. Growing up, I always felt on guard. I felt unheard and was afraid of upsetting people. I often experienced gaslighting (a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser makes the victim question their reality) as well as guilt trips and general emotional manipulation.

The constant cycle of abuse and then idealization led to a trauma bond which is a physiological addiction to the abuser. It is a literally chemical dependency in the brain and when a victim leaves they experience withdraw symptoms similar to coming off a drug. I can tell you from experience that it is painful but liberating at the same time. For me the abuse resulted in PTSD. The psychological abuse I experienced has caused me to suffer from low self esteem amongst other things. Sometimes I still feel trauma bonded but it is not as intense. I do not crave my abuser like I once did but I struggle with memories of when he idealized me and treated me somewhat well (which I now know is a part of the abuse cycle).

This was an attempt to make me dependent on him and it worked. But since I've been free from the abuse and have been in therapy I have slowly become free from the trauma bond. Now I question myself as to the lessons that Narcissistic abuse has taught me. Yes, NPD is a real psychological condition but that does not give someone the right to abuse. Slowly I have begun to realize that there are lessons in the abuse. Some of them are listed below:

-Narcissist know exactly what they are doing.

-Superficial charm is a criteria for the disorder so don't feel bad if you fell for that.

-Narcissist cannot and will not show empathy.

-Narcissistic abuse is just as damaging as other forms of abuse.

-It is normal to deal with difficult feelings after the abuse.

-Recovery typically requires self care and professional help to undo the trauma bond.

-Like other types of abuse, there are lasting effects.

#Narcissticabuse #PTSD #EmotionalAbuse

The words still echo, the noise too loud.
The things you said, the jokes you made.
No one really knows the pain I carry, the darkness that lives inside.
We had the house, the car, the clothes. The vacations, the holidays and so much more.
Hidden from sight were your words that stabbed my heart, shattered my dreams and left me in the dark.
Hidden from sight, no one saw all the times I fell apart, losing faith and losing trust.
Hidden from sight were all your words, that cut me deep and left me unheard.
No one would think that it was you, you were so wonderful, caring and true.
Hidden from sight was your true self, leaving me to find a way out. Laughing with tears inside, putting on a show for all to see.
You pushed me to the edge, you kept on going.
Hidden from sight was your abuse, your lies and manipulation too.
Though you never hit me, I wear these scars, hidden from sight just like you want.
#EmotionalAbuse #Narcissticabuse #ChildAbuse

There are days where I can carry myself and there are days where I wished someone would carry me. Today is one of those days. I couldn’t sleep last night, finally slept this morning. I’m looking for answers and I’m not getting any. Why this is happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I grew up in abuse, but it seems like I really miss my mom today. I’ve been so emotional and feeling alone. What am I missing about her? Maybe the delusion, the idea I had of her. Maybe I’m missing the false company everytime we would “spend time” with each other. Maybe I miss how oblivious I used to be? I don’t know!!! Which is worse. Seeking and finding out the truth about your family and while standing up for yourself is costing you trouble and more drama/abuse or being ignorant of who they really are, being used and keeping things civil. I just got laid off and it’s been difficult for me to be financially stable or else it would have been nice to get the hell out of here. Maybe it would make things more easier for me.

The Ocean battle

It's like an ocean. Like the waves from a sea. It beckons me. Their moves are slow yet can be sure. They are a polite host at first. They come gently and wet my feet a bit. A bait in the form of servitude. Over and over they come like slaves washing my feet, slaves? Are they? They are wild crafty pirates! Every time they wash my feet, they conquer a bit of shore beneath me. Piece by piece they conquer.

The salty breeze, the glassy surface perfectly mirroring the blue sky, the horizon on the far side of the ocean causes wonder.

Flaunting its wonders they seduce me from the shore. Before I know it, the shore beneath me surrenders to the ocean. It takes me closer and closer to the deep. Like a hungry sea monster gaping with its mouth wide open to swallow me. There is no time, no time for turning back. Will my hands and lung be enough to hold the waters?

I look up.The sun refuses to shine, it dims the light all over. I'm screaming, screaming real loud. Wailing. But the oceans steal my voice. The more I try to breathe, the more it chokes. Do I surrender to the ocean? Or do I fight in vain? How much longer can I fight?
#PTSD #SexualAbuse #Depression #PanicDisorder #Narcissticabuse