notworthy

Been feeling this way for a very long time now. Have everything in place - plan, letter, mode, items needed.  I cannot get over the fact that no one really cares.  They only say what you want to hear.  The mask I wear is heavy sometimes, but I have to wear it.  No one wants to hear my true feelings - that I don't want to be here anymore.  Everyone wears a mask so no one knows how we really feel.  I want to leave this place.  Go somewhere else; where the mask is gone.  Everyone is true.  No walls to hide behind either. The catalyst was my therapist of 2 years telling me he is no longer my therapist.  He needs to concentrate on his new position within the organization.  I understand this, I do.  How he did it was really, really bad for me.  I am now in a tail spin, going down and fast.  There is no one to stop it, no one to catch me.  I'm now left alone; alone with a new therapist who I don't know AT ALL.  And I'm supposed to open up, trust her when it took 2 long years to get where I was.  To a place where I had complete trust in him.  TRIGGER - all males in my life have done this to me.  Abandonment is how I feel right now.  I should have known this wasn't going to last.  Never does.  I must have the word "loser" tattooed on my forehead.  Cause after a while, no one can tolerate me.  So, I'm left asking why?  What do I do that causes everyone in my life to hate me so.
I already hate myself - I'm a joke someone to take advantage of certainly not someone worth being a friend for. So I'm going to stop my meds been drinking and smoking pot more than I have been. Hiding out in my room listening to Phil Collins. Not letting anyone in - I've been hurt way too much that I cannot go on. Cannot keep the charades up anymore. I'm #depressed #lonely #hurt #activesuicidal #Whocares #Anxiety #notworthy

Does anyone else feel utterly alone on the holidays? #alone #notworthy

I am headed in a direction and I feel like there is no turning around and it has me really scared.

I'm living in my sister's lake house in MA because I ran out of money living in Florida and couldn't find a job. She doesn't want me or my dogs here and reminds me every time I talk to her that she would rather be here at the lake house than at her own home, but can't come because we are here.
I don't understand why she has to keep reminding me of this. I've only been here for two months and have been able to find a part time job. I've only received 2 paychecks so far and they have gone to paying past due bills. I have no money left over. Now she wants me to pay the electric bills. I don't get what she doesn't get about me being not broke but being  destitute. I am so far behind in paying bills.
Yes, I got myself in this situation and i do appreciate he letting me live here until I can find a place I can afford. But I have told her that may not be until Spring. The remarks and reminders that I am not wanted here and I am disrupting her life is killing me!!!
I hate it here. I hate cold weather...yes hate!!! I go out of my way to clean her house spotless when she and her family come up here for a weekend and still get comments about things they think I should have done, I'm exhausted.
I have a disability and am working on getting disability but it takes time. I am awaiting a hearing date. This is a long and tedious process. I am so stressed all the time. I shouldn't be working, and I am only working 20 hours a week. I'm barely making it physically and emotionally. But I feel so guilty!!!!
Then on top of that I can't reveal at work I am disabled because of the fear of losing my job. I have no one here. I have a good friend who lives in CA, but everyone is so tired of hearing about my troubles. I try to not talk about them and get them to talk to me, but it always goes back to me.
How can I build up my self-esteem and not feel so guilty when I know I am doing the best I can???
#notworthy #Guilt