I’m apathetic towards my every waking day lately. It’s too easy for me to sleep… 8 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours… an entire day. I’m exhausted with stress and feel trapped and unable to escape or help my circumstances. I’m ready to give up, and day dream of sleeping and just never waking back up.
I’m very familiar with my depression… it’s been by my side or hiding behind the curtains of my stage since I was 13 years old, 6 years after my parents divorced and 3 years after my mother died. (I was adopted by my stepfather then… it’s a long story) but I remember when it first hit me… I felt numb to everything. I couldn’t speak, it was hard to lift my feet… I moved slower. I stopped spending time with my friends…I remember not being able to feel or care about much… I remember not understanding what had changed.
Over the years, my depression has evolved to carry many different faces. It’s shape shifted into creatures and fears that still haunt me and have taken over my identity. I feel like I am my depression. I don’t know who I would be without it… which makes me angry. I’m now 30, with little to no improvement and I find that disgusting.
Over the last year, I made a commitment fo work through some big goals, so I quit the job I loved and moved in with family I barely knew in an effort to reset my circumstances. I came to improve my finances, finally get my fucking drivers license and get my ass back to school so I could move on to a career that would actually support me financially and give me security in my independence. I wanted to get on top of my health also, which was a tall order I already knew I probably wouldn’t accomplish.
Unfortunately, though I have made some progress, I also developed chronic headaches, and can barely eat anything without feeling very sick. It could be stress, stomach ulcers, celiac, chrones, IBD… so many things, and I have to be patient and go through all these tests while my life gets interrupted by not only my depression, but now also naesea and headaches? WTF!!!!
My mother died of Colon cancer at 37 years old. She was diagnosed at 35… at age 30, my age now, she began to develop issues with her stomach, bowels and digestion… just like I am. I’m terrified and frustrated with the lack of urgency my doctor and laboratories seem to have. “My mother’s symptoms were ignored and she died because of it, I have all the same early symptoms doctor… “
“Okay, we’ll run a few basic tests to rule out a few things”
Do they not HEAR ME. I’m doing all this work to improve my life just so I can get cancer and die like my mother did? Fuck you.
If it were up to me, I’d sleep… and I’d never wake up again.