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Hurting and Regret #greif #hurting #how do I cope? #Filled with REGRET

I just received word of a Very Dear Friends passing. This is hitting me so hard right now, I don't know how to cope. It seems like I am always having people to either walk out of my life or the pass on to the next life. What is hitting me so hard is, I didn't know how sick they were and I now kind of realize that their last plea was a way to say goodbye and I completely missed it because of dealing with my own selfish health issues. I am now flooded with so many memories. What do I do now? My Heart is shattered once again from pain and grief. I have never been able to deal with death very well as I have experienced so much of it in my time here. To make matters worse I hate fighting these types of battles ALONE. It seems that I am always in a battle, Where is the Love, compassion and understanding?
#Desperate to Heal
#I just want Forever Love


#feelings are Real

Hey Everyone.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror and I about screamed. I feel bloated, feel fat, feel disgusted, and for some reason just plain emotional. It has not been a good experience today for me... even if all I did was just go grocery shopping with a little bit of cleaning. I did have a #Therapy appointment today, which was helpful. I do not think of myself as a person who has a weight problem. However, it has been a problem for me since I had been on psyche medicines, and my body changed. I am not 25 years old anymore. The past 10 years have been difficult for me as I have seen myself slowly gain weight! I am on new #medications that do not have studies showing that there is significant weight gains. However, I still feel struggling when it comes to body image.

For those of you who take #psychemedicines - how do you feel?
What do you do to handle this?
Any advice will be greatly welcomed. Please respond.



Advice of where to post - please

I have a #TraumaticBrainInjury and am #Desperate to get help as I am alone, homebound, no family, friends or support of any kind and don't know what to do. Is there a specific way to locate help here?


HURTING... Will it ever stop???

I had met what I call My pandemic friend... or so I thought. Boy was I ever wrong. Turns out they are nothing but toxic sewer sludge. That only cares about themselves and no one else. I was finally served my walking papers as I was told I am not, nor ever was good enough to be their friend. And that they only talked to me for laughs and amusement. I want to cry because I can't believe anyone could be that heartless, cold and evil. But I am grateful that the only thing I lost was my time I invested... well that and my compassion. I am hurting and I feel so low and depressed right now. These are the times I really miss My Mom! I do not know if I have the fight left to bounce back from this one.
#So Alone, #hurting , #Toxic People, #Healing , #Desperate


I’m sick of feeling sick #Desperate #seekinganswers

I’m apathetic towards my every waking day lately. It’s too easy for me to sleep… 8 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours… an entire day. I’m exhausted with stress and feel trapped and unable to escape or help my circumstances. I’m ready to give up, and day dream of sleeping and just never waking back up.

I’m very familiar with my depression… it’s been by my side or hiding behind the curtains of my stage since I was 13 years old, 6 years after my parents divorced and 3 years after my mother died. (I was adopted by my stepfather then… it’s a long story) but I remember when it first hit me… I felt numb to everything. I couldn’t speak, it was hard to lift my feet… I moved slower. I stopped spending time with my friends…I remember not being able to feel or care about much… I remember not understanding what had changed.

Over the years, my depression has evolved to carry many different faces. It’s shape shifted into creatures and fears that still haunt me and have taken over my identity. I feel like I am my depression. I don’t know who I would be without it… which makes me angry. I’m now 30, with little to no improvement and I find that disgusting.

Over the last year, I made a commitment fo work through some big goals, so I quit the job I loved and moved in with family I barely knew in an effort to reset my circumstances. I came to improve my finances, finally get my fucking drivers license and get my ass back to school so I could move on to a career that would actually support me financially and give me security in my independence. I wanted to get on top of my health also, which was a tall order I already knew I probably wouldn’t accomplish.

Unfortunately, though I have made some progress, I also developed chronic headaches, and can barely eat anything without feeling very sick. It could be stress, stomach ulcers, celiac, chrones, IBD… so many things, and I have to be patient and go through all these tests while my life gets interrupted by not only my depression, but now also naesea and headaches? WTF!!!!

My mother died of Colon cancer at 37 years old. She was diagnosed at 35… at age 30, my age now, she began to develop issues with her stomach, bowels and digestion… just like I am. I’m terrified and frustrated with the lack of urgency my doctor and laboratories seem to have. “My mother’s symptoms were ignored and she died because of it, I have all the same early symptoms doctor… “

“Okay, we’ll run a few basic tests to rule out a few things”


Do they not HEAR ME. I’m doing all this work to improve my life just so I can get cancer and die like my mother did? Fuck you.

If it were up to me, I’d sleep… and I’d never wake up again.

1 comment

All I want to do is sleep #toomuchsleep

I can’t get anything done because all I want to do is sleep. I wake up and literally go back to sleep within the hour and only get up to eat. Why can’t I just feel like normal people and get through a day?
#Desperate #toomuchsleep

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The perfect life

My life is perfect... at least on paper. Relatively good health, good job blA bla bla. But at night when the dust settles and I closed yet another day in my “perfect” life, the demons show up. They constantly remind me of the things I need and should have. They tell me about the things I did wrong and why I’m alone. They also tell me, it’s dangerous to venture outside other than to go to my perfect car and drive to my perfect job. I’m so damm alone and I’m feeling so empty inside. I’ve been diagnosed with Felression, OCD (had to google that one) ADD and best of all PTSD. The solution? Here’s a pill or 2 or 10... the doc asking me “what do you think we should try” well dude your the F expert, you tell me lol

Anyways rant over for now! #Depression #middleage #explode #ADHD #Desperate



It’s exhausting. Everyday is so uncomfortable... I have not felt at peace in a few years. Lonely , codependent and desperate for a man to want me and love me. I am fixated and obsessed and it’s become the soul purpose of my life ... I can’t handle anyone else saying ... you need to love yourself, then you will find someone . I am trying holy heck am I ever... I don’t want to be the way I am. It is automatic and the biggest struggle I have ever had.

I get to know someone and then after we have a romantic connection I cling and attach instantly like crazy glue. I fall before I even know the person. All in, 100%. I try not to but it’s like a drug. Then the person runs away... usually ghosts or tell me they are not ready for a relationship .... this has happened 11 times in 13 years , about 4 of which put me in treatment centres and extreme suicidal ideation.... My brain and mind loose control and all irrational thoughts...... if they text or are in my life again it takes me right out of it and everything is okay again. It’s Brutal, I would rather loose a limb than feel so empty.
is there hope for me to overcome this ?
I am doing yoga , exercising, getting outside at least 4 times a week . I am high functioning and successful in a career sense. I am at my whits end with living my life this way and I feel trapped in it #Desperate for Romantic love



Life is been so unbearable, it is so hard to go on. I feel trapped here though. I’m alone. And feeling so hopeless. Is there anyone that can relate? #Depression #Anxiety #lonely #alone #Lupus #AutoimmuneDisease #Desperate