passivelysuicidal

I don't even know if I'm being sucidal. This is new for me. I think about getting hurt just enough so that I can get a way out of this drowning feeling that I'm in. I think about bruising, or starving or not sleeping days in a row, because it just feels that my inside does not match the outside anymore, and how can I explain that to the people outside? I can't even explain it to myself. I want to be better, I want to have the courage to break this bad circle that I am in right now, I don't want to die, I am scared, but at the same time I have this floating fantasy-like thoughts about being sick, or injured or...idk. The reality, this reality does not match. I want to go back home, back to my friends and family....

Hi! I just graduated from high school in June and am living with my parents this year while working a part time job. Earlier this month my mom accidentally read something I had written about wanting to die.
(Just as an fyi, I have Anxiety, PTSD, and Depression, and possibly ADHD/ADD. Also Im only passively suicidal. I dont want to kill myself, I just wish there was someway for everything that is negative about my life to stop.)
I write all my feelings about myself down, because I am trying to understand them. That is also an outlet for me to take out my anger and feelings of hopelessness on something other than my own body. It is a more healthy way of expressing my feelings than harming myself.
I know both my parents are worried for me, but I dont know how to explain what I just wrote down, because we have had conversations about my mental illnesses before and they end up either questioning me or trying to explain whats happening to me. I dont want either of those things. Whenever they say things like that I feel as though they are simply trying to fix me, which makes me feel even worse about myself. And I've told them this, and Ive explained the concept of validation, which they partially understood. But they keep doing the same things when I try to talk through what I feel. I dont want some one to fix me, because at this this point I dont even know how I feel, so I want to talk through it with a person, but its hard to do that when all they seem to want to do is fix me. #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #passivelysuicidal

The truth is I've been passively suicidal for the majority of my adult life. There are hours, days, and weeks I don't think about it. My passive suicidal feelings have never really made it beyond the abstract, and mostly focus on just everything being too much. Too many things to do, too many feelings, too many people who've left me, too many people pretending to care, too many expectation from the people who do care, too much hurt, too much uncertainty, just too much. The too much that fills all of me to the point where I don't know what to do with myself, and my entire existence hurts me. There is never a plan, and there probably never will be. The feeling usually lessons, but the feeling never really goes away.

The one thing I've always told me myself is I will never kill myself over a person. No matter how bad another person makes me feel they will never be the reason for why I'd kill myself. Those feelings that are the product of a person's actions are something to work through and not a reason for me to stop existing. Oh, a person can hurt you beyond belief, but for me there has to be more of a reason. Those feelings that result from a person's actions are the product of a changing dynamic because in order for a person to hurt me bad enough to want to end my life they have to hold importance.

The hardest part is accepting that you don't mean as much to them as they do to you because they'd show it. They'd make you a priority regardless of the situation, but because they don't put the same type of care into your relationship, whatever it may be, you get hurt. Wanting something more from someone that they are unwilling to give will always hurt, and it means you need to shift priorities. To stop hurting, you have to start expecting less because you will just keep hurting yourself. That person isn't intentionally hurting you they just don't see you the way you see them.

The perspective shift isn't easy because change is never easy. But a person will never be the reason that my passive suicidal thoughts become active. No matter how much I hurt, that is not a level of control I will ever let one person take from me. It's the mantra I keep in my head when I've been deeply hurt by family, friends, and partners. I won't let your actions take my life from me because your actions are not enough for me to want to stop existing. One person is not too much, they are just one variable in my life that is too much.

#passivelysuicidal #toomuch #Depression

I just want to end. I want to end it all and disappear. Am I safe? Yes. I won’t do it because I cant. I have too much to live for. But why don’t I care? And if I don’t get it? If I don’t get what I am working towards? Then is that it? Is that all of me and nothing else? I am safe, but I am in danger of my thoughts. If my emotions. Of my desire to disappear. I am safe from harms way but not from my own. I need them to stop.

Does your partner know how you feel day to day? Do they truly understand and/or empathize with your feelings and thoughts? Do they seem concerned or unconcerned?

Or do you keep them in the dark? Tell them nothing?

She’s constantly passively suicidal and talks herself off the ledge but I want to help her in any way I can. She’s done with medicine (doctor recommended) doesn’t want to find a therapist or psychiatrist and I feel like I don’t know how to do more for her. #passivelysuicidal
#CheckInWithMe

I’m in the process of (hopefully) getting SSDI. I just found out today that it might take up to a year for them to schedule a court hearing date.
I am physically and mentally #exhausted from paperwork, doctors, and fighting to be my own #advocateformigraine
Working part time is difficult enough in daily pain, not to mention my psych diagnoses. I feel like a burden to my family. Why am I still here?

I have reached a point in my life in which I see no worth in me being here, existing, it just ain’t for me. I’m too scared to kill myself, shit, I’m scared of dying in general, but somehow dying sounds so much less exhausting than fighting. This loneliness invades my body like the flu during the winter or allergies during spring time. I tell myself that it gets better, it will get better but it never does. My mistakes are constantly haunting me and it’s hard for me to “take them as lessons” and learn from them. I’m not as strong, I try to be happy around others because what’s the point if no one understands how sick I really am. Can everything just end? With no more pain, no more agony, no more broken heart.

#diagnosedat17 manic depressive when I was involuntary inpatient at my house 1st of many psych wards 7 1/2 months I assumed bipolar was my diagnosis still. Recently I was told by my current treatment team of the last 10 years, that they have me diagnosed #schizoeffective disorder. I swore I wasn't gonna research it in the least because #mydiagnosisdoesntdefineme . Now in here the first story I read I can see my actions make that an accurate diagnosis. Delusions, hallucinations, not knowing what's real plus mix in major depression and anxiety and there you have it. Over 30 years of #meds #psychwards #dualdiagnosis (10 years removed from 20 year heroin addiction and right now Im not doing well. I have never been tyis actively averse like I am now to regularly taking my meds. Much much more to story. I don't want to get better and i guess and that comes from the fact that I need to care about myself before I care whether i get better & the truth.. i don't care enough for me to help me.
That's enough for now. It's late for me. Thanks for letting me ramble. #lowselfesteem #passivelysuicidal