I am so tired. I am in so much pain. I am so frustrated.
My chronic illnesses come with a variety of symptoms. Brain fog, paralysis, joint pain, nerve pain, migraines, fatigue, mutism, seizures, aphasia, altered consciousness, memory loss, neuralgia, dissociation, muscle spasms, tremors, and too many things that come and go too fast for me to recognize or remember.
Tonight the biggest one is loneliness. Bone-deep, soul-crushing loneliness. My life is at the mercy of the people around me and the willingness of them to work me into their life, with their time and their energy.
And while I have the things I need to survive and function, I am lonely. I woke to a quiet, empty house, and did quiet, empty things, while everyone else’s lives moved on around me.
I tried to talk to my mom about what was going on, and she was sympathetic, but disappeared mid-conversation with no word or warning. Just silence. Life intruded, and what I had to say did not put me in pressing danger, so I was shuffled aside, to read at a convenient time.
I messaged my college best friend to ask how she was, but the kids needed her attention, so I know she’s officially moved into her career as a stay-at-home mom, but not much past that fact.
On our way to dinner because w were both too tired to cook, I was trying to talk to my roommate about something to do with all of this that was... is... important and scary and very impactful for me that’s happening right now, and she turned to me and said, “I know this is important for you, but I am getting very frustrated trying to park this vehicle, and I am very tired, can you just -not- for a little while?” And she is literally sitting 5 feet away with her headphones in, ignoring me crying here as I type this.
I am just tired of asking. I am tired of watching my voice get quieter and quieter. My entire world just keeps getting smaller and smaller, while everyone else’s keeps going with more life and stress and responsibility, plus the burden of me.
I miss being held and hugged and snuggled and treated like I am the most important thing that exists for more than just the few precious moments at a time.
God, I sound like such a pity party, and I hate that SO MUCH, even I don’t want to listen to me anymore.
I just want a couple of hours with someone who genuinely wants me, wants to spend time with me, wants to talk to me, without their# entire world intruding on it like it always does. Without me looking at them and seeing them drift off because they’re tired of me. #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #PNES #ChronicPain #Migraine #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Schizophrenia