Yeah, until you're hit with the despair and loneliness you get from being an outcast.
Please stop telling me that I will one day become one of the greatest's *whatever*, just because I had to endure this shitty mental brain damage. Because I will probably not. I do not want to get into self-fullfiling prophecies again. Believing that something great is ahead of me is highly delusional and it would break my trust in the Universe, who guarantees that while everything may not be great they will be okay.
Personal *development* tends to prey on the weaker people and unfortunately I fell for it. The problem with me was that I was too focused on the end goal itself rather than the process as a whole. I was blinded by this vision of mine that my life will happen like a fairy tale, where everything is shitty at first and then BOOM the magic happens. And then if my goals didn't happen I'd get disappointed, boohoo the fairy tale is now a tragedy. The self-help industry is so culty. It entices you to try their products in the hopes of something happening, and if nothing does you are advertised another product.
I should have written my goals as "become an animator/translator, earn money, spend time with friends, travel the world, buy weird things from Japan, video games, video games, video games" That's it. No more big-time saving the world unless I have the opportunity to do so. Why do our dreams have to be big when you are not spared from disappointment? My anxiety and depressive episodes seem to have gotten worse this year, and I do not want to increase the likelihood of these happening. Because with mental illness nothing seems to matter anymore. I would just want to get better. Anhedonia is the worst when it comes to this, because you've achieved all of this and then suddenly the spark is gone.
This does not mean I will turn down every opportunity to change my life, but I just need to minimize the risk of mental illness creeping in.
#Anxiety #Depression #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #PersonalGrowth #goals #priorities #anhedonia