Rainbowbridge

I had to put two of my best friends down today cause old age and cancer and dementia. They were my babies. I’m in mourning I’m bawling every chance I get. Then calm for a little bit. It was this morning and even though I have two of mine here and my roommates dog the house seems soooo quiet. I want to cut just a little to transferu to the pain. But my hubby and roommate are watching me. I won’t cut. Well one. They hid everything and I know I’ll regret it later and another line to cover up. I miss my boys Emerson and Tyberious (em and ty). I needed to write. My heart is just broken

At approximately 12:15 pm 1/18/22 we had to say Goodbye to our fur baby Roxie 😫🥺. She went peacefully in my arms. I held her for a long time afterwards, not wanting to let her go. 💔😫
She was in early stages of kidney failure. She had a stroke and her Dr said she was throwing blood clots.
She Crossed the Rainbow Bridge to be with her name sake Rocky ( my 1st pup who passed at 11 years old), who passed 2 months before we got her in 2005 They are all together with Precious ( passed in 2017 she was my 2nd pup ) , Creamie, Tiny, Kit Kat and Midnight ( they were all my kitties). I'll miss our cuddles and her gentle swats on my face. The purring in my arms every night 😢 with those little kisses on my nose and forehead. R.I.P. MY SWEET BABY GIRL. UNTIL WE MEET AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. I'll always love you and cherish our 17 years together. I'll never forget the day I got you and all the bottle feeding as you were only 3 weeks old if that. Play free of pain and enjoy your time with your fur siblings. Roxie mommy misses you so much already. I Love You Roxie 🌈🙏🐾💖🥰😭
I'm having a hard time with Roxie passing. She was the oldest cat I ever had. I often hear her little meows, her purring and when I go into my room I look expecting to see her laying on her pillow or sitting waiting for a treat or for pets under her chin & face. I know she's in a better place playing & laying in the sun. 🌈🙏💜
#Rainbowbridge #Roxie #Furbaby #Broken -hearted

On November 3, 2020, my doggo of 10 years crossed the #Rainbowbridge . He was my constant companion, and he saw me through some really bad 💩 over the years. My kids picked him out at a shelter, so he was all I had left of my kids’ childhoods.

When he was diagnosed with a mast cell tumor, I was hopeful we could cure him. Unfortunately, that type of tumor is especially aggressive in German Shorthaired Pointers (GSP). We got three month from diagnosis to saying goodbye, even with aggressive treatment. But, I did everything I could possibly do for him, and I have no regrets. He was a good dog, but it was his time to go where I cannot follow. Hopefully, he is running and playing with the dog we had when my buddy came to live with us.

In the meantime, I’ve adopted the wild birds and squirrels in my neighborhood! It is late autumn/early winter in the American Midwest, and wild food sources are getting thin. My feeders have become a favorite hang out of about nine different species of birds, some of whom I’d never seen before starting this project. I get a great deal of peace watching them just outside my bedroom window. It’s very grounding at a time when I need all of the help I can get.

Adopting the wild ones has helped me deal with my grief. I think fondly on memories of my Max, but I don’t feel sorrow or depression. The birds don’t replace him (and he would have chased them all away if he were here), but they give me something to care about and something to take care of. They give me purpose for those times when the pit swallows me up and the lies in my head get loud. My birds need me to stay and fill up the feeders on occasion. That is reason enough to stay, for now.

I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder , and I know that I am emotionally sensitive. It is just a part of the disorder, and I’m okay with that. I don’t trust people anymore, because people suck. But my animals have always been my world.

A week ago (November 3, 2020), my German Shorthair Pointer crossed the #Rainbowbridge to be reunited with my Border Collie, Charlie. My Max fought a very aggressive mast cell tumor for about four months, but two surgeries and a month of chemo just couldn’t bring us to the result we had hoped for. My previous dog, who was with me when we adopted Max, died of lymphoma about nine years ago, so this was not the first time cancer robbed me of my pet.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I should be far more upset than I am. I had previously posted that I feared this end was coming and that Max was my reason for living. And he was. I worried that without him here, I’d have no reason to stay. But, I am okay, and I’m not sure why.

The day after Max died, a new dog bed that I had ordered for him arrived. I didn’t return it. Instead, I donated it to the vet clinic who treated him. Also, I washed and donated the winter coats I’d purchased for him (chemo made him unable to control his body temp, and it is cold in the Midwest) to the same vet clinic. I live in a relatively poor community who cannot afford such things, and I requested that they give the coats to any dog who needs them, particularly cancer patients. Making those donations in my Max’s memory helps me feel like his legacy lives on. Someone will benefit from our loss, and that brings me peace. Once I did that, the tears stopped.

I choose to remember the good times he and I had over the last 10 years. He kept me somewhat sane while I was in an abusive relationship. He reminded me that I was never truly alone. He -needed- me, and I needed him.

My Max was an unwanted shelter dog. He had been in the shelter for over a month when I fell in love with him. He wasn’t the smartest dog I’d ever had, but he was exactly what I needed. I treated him like a member of the family, and I think he had a pretty great life for a shelter dog. I certainly did everything possible to save him, and I have no regrets.

I just can’t believe how stable I am through all of this. Is it too good to be true?

Monday, I had to do one of the hardest things of my life. Rikki, my #Kitty and #esa ,has been sick for months, and my husband and I had tried thousands of $$ to test and medicate her, but it didn’t help. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore.
Backstory: I had 2 cats previously, but right after we got married, we had to move cross country from TX to CA. I left my cats with my parents because 1) they don’t travel well, and 2) we knew we were only going to be there 1.5 years. When we moved in, after a couple weeks, I was so #lonely , I told my husband I needed a cat. He was working 8-12 hour days, and I couldn’t land a job, so I was home, everyday, all day, #alone . My psychiatrist helped me certify her as my ESA, and she took her job *seriously*. She would follow me Room to room, wherever I was. She would even sit on the mat in front of the sink while I washed dishes. When we napped, she would lay on my chest, her face inches from mine. It’s like she knew. I was super #depressed there. I went to an out patient program, fighting the urge to end it all. But Rikki was there, sitting on my lap while I cried, snuggling in bed at night.
And when traveling back home to TX, she was an excellent passenger for the almost 1,800 miles. If it wasn’t for her, I might not be here. She saved my life every day.
The amount of #Guilt I feel putting her to sleep, after she has kept me alive, I feel like I betrayed her. Rikki was about 10 years old. I’m sorry, baby, I had to do this. Please wait for me, after crossing that #Rainbowbridge . 🌈💔🐱