I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder , and I know that I am emotionally sensitive. It is just a part of the disorder, and I’m okay with that. I don’t trust people anymore, because people suck. But my animals have always been my world.
A week ago (November 3, 2020), my German Shorthair Pointer crossed the #Rainbowbridge to be reunited with my Border Collie, Charlie. My Max fought a very aggressive mast cell tumor for about four months, but two surgeries and a month of chemo just couldn’t bring us to the result we had hoped for. My previous dog, who was with me when we adopted Max, died of lymphoma about nine years ago, so this was not the first time cancer robbed me of my pet.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I should be far more upset than I am. I had previously posted that I feared this end was coming and that Max was my reason for living. And he was. I worried that without him here, I’d have no reason to stay. But, I am okay, and I’m not sure why.
The day after Max died, a new dog bed that I had ordered for him arrived. I didn’t return it. Instead, I donated it to the vet clinic who treated him. Also, I washed and donated the winter coats I’d purchased for him (chemo made him unable to control his body temp, and it is cold in the Midwest) to the same vet clinic. I live in a relatively poor community who cannot afford such things, and I requested that they give the coats to any dog who needs them, particularly cancer patients. Making those donations in my Max’s memory helps me feel like his legacy lives on. Someone will benefit from our loss, and that brings me peace. Once I did that, the tears stopped.
I choose to remember the good times he and I had over the last 10 years. He kept me somewhat sane while I was in an abusive relationship. He reminded me that I was never truly alone. He -needed- me, and I needed him.
My Max was an unwanted shelter dog. He had been in the shelter for over a month when I fell in love with him. He wasn’t the smartest dog I’d ever had, but he was exactly what I needed. I treated him like a member of the family, and I think he had a pretty great life for a shelter dog. I certainly did everything possible to save him, and I have no regrets.
I just can’t believe how stable I am through all of this. Is it too good to be true?