Recurrent Depression

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Recurrent Depression
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The sun will follow the rain

Today the veil is lifting.
Fleeting moments of intense optimism and excitement.
I get to see my son get older and wow at how he’ll be.. imagining the conversations we’ll have and looking forward to all the happy memories we’ll make. It feels crazy at how positive I can feel in one moment when yesterday I could barely hold my head up. Feeling opposite ends of the spectrum so intensely within 24hours can’t be “normal” can it? It’s not. I know it’s not. But is this more than depression? Do I maybe have bipolar? I’ve read many account of people who went undiagnosed before.. Is this the bpd that I was diagnosed with in the past? I have found it so so hard to accept that one and I feel so vulnerable writing it down. Just saying depression and anxiety has always been easier.

Anyway. I’m here to say the veil is lifting and remind anyone in a similar situation (specifically my post yesterday) that the veil does lift. It always does. Even though in the moment it feels like it never will.
I’m here to remind myself also that this has just been a very very hard episode and I’ve had these episodes and periods before. It always gets better. The sun will follow the rain ✨

#Depression #RecurrentDepression #ChronicDepression #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BPDDiagnosis #Hope #thistooshallpass #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #reminders

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Honest and serious

I havent posted something in a while. I dont want to bore you with my whole story. Just know, that I have a long road behind and that my recovery is taking long. I am making a lot of progress and I am thankful for it.

But right now, life sucks. I am frustated, sad, angry, desprate, numb, aggitated and so on. I ve had suicidal thoughts before but I havent had them in a while. (Dont worry, I am in contact with my therapist and she knows how I am). I am really struggling with them these last couple of days and it doesnt seem to get better.

I know how to manage my depression moods, my anxiety and my eating disorder and I am using those strategies. It just feels like they dont help as good as they did previously. And this sucks. Its tiring me out.

I feel tired. I feel exhausted. I really want to get better and stay on the path of recovery. But right now every other way would be easier to go (dysfunctional behaviors).

Maybe its part of recovery but I dont know how much more I can endure.
#AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #RecurrentDepression #EatingDisorders #ChronicPain #PTSD #Anxiety #Flashbacks #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse

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I just keep getting back up. Again. And again. And again ...

I had a call from my GP yesterday regarding how I've been since I stopped taking sertraline. He asked how I was feeling and I just laughed sarcastically. When I told him about Tara, my husband and I breaking up, and me having to look for a new place, he was a "bit" taken aback that I was dealing with three pretty major stressor all at once: bereavement, separation, moving house.
He also said he'd had a letter from the psychiatrist (note: *must* get a copy of my updated medical records) which said that I am "emotionally unstable with borderline type personality disorder." I'll have to do some investigation into it but regardless, I'll have to contact the DWP about my disability payments and THEN get *another* review done ...
But, yeah, no matter what is thrown at me, I'll get back up. Because what's the alternative?

#RecurrentDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Cancer


A smile doesn't mean I'm not #depressed

I get so angry and frustrated when people assume that I'm feeling better, just because I was able to smile for a short moment.

Every day is still a struggle for me. Every step I take still feels like it's with heavy weights around my ankles.

And please stop asking me when I will be feeling better. If I knew, it would make this fight so much easier.


1 comment

#struggling #RecurrentDepression

Bear with me - it’s my first post and I’ve no idea what I’m doing!!! I’m in the middle of a big fat relapse, my meds are taking their time kicking in, my housemate moved out this week leaving me £250 short on the bills with only a few hours notice, my fella of 5 months dumped me by text yesterday and I’m stuck at work on a night shift as a senior mental health nurse in a crisis team - I feel such a fraud, I’ve spent 10 minutes crying in the toilet for absolutely no reason and my suicidal thoughts are getting ridiculous. nobody can do anything but maybe posting this will help get things out of my head for 5 minutes?


The most hurtful part of depression are the days when you just want your life to be over and some relative or friend say that they love you or need you. It hurts so much #Depression #RecurrentDepression