I know I am loved. I know I am wanted. Sometimes I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I don’t feel wanted.
2.16 am last night I woke up in a state of panic. Gasping for air I felt as if my lungs were being crushed by bricks. Only to find my self safe in bed next to my partner who was fast asleep.
Envious of his relaxed deep sleep I settled myself and started to think about my happy place. And after what seemed like forever I drifted back off to sleep.
The next morning I had woken to the thoughts in my head pounding and pounding away. Trying to see past my migraine I swallowed some painkillers and got on with my day.
As soon as i return home. I step through my door, drop my bags and head straight to the sofa where my exhausted mind shuts down. I wake up to my stomach grumbling. I drag myself to the fridge as I force myself to cook some food. I was way too anxious to eat dinner last night. I eat my food. Watch my crappy cartoon and boom my mind races.
You see when calm and relaxed my brain suddenly remembers every single microscopic detail of what I have to do or what I haven’t done.
I make sure I make plans for my week ahead because I know that if I didn’t force myself too. I just wouldn’t leave the house. As these events get closer and closer I freak out. And I mean freak.
I sit on the floor and breathe through my nose and out of my mouth. I wait until my panic passes. Wiping the tears from my eyes I stand up and steady myself.
My hole body feels as if I’m on a boat swaying side to side. Then after all of that my lunch decided that it rather be out than in. I run to the bathroom and clench my stomach. After an hour of lying on my bathroom floor. I roll back onto the sofa. Close my eyes and listen to the rain sounds I asked Alexa to play. Until I’m unaware of who I am and where I am. Dreaming of a better day.
waiting for a reply from my boyfriend on WhatsApp. 5 hours later I receive a message. It’s him the love of my life. Not the reply I’d hoped for.
He’s staying later at work again tonight and won’t be home until late. “Just stop worrying” he says.
Tears rolling down my face... all I’m yearning for is a cuddle and to hear the words “I love you”. To be reminded that I am safe and that I am loved. But instead I blow my Yankee candles out praying,hoping and wishing for a more peaceful, loved tomorrow.