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This morning something scary happened. I think I mentioned before this vibrating sensation I constantly feel. Sometimes it’s very minor but today was the worst.

I woke up feeling like the blood in my body was like a dam opened up and the water was roaring strong and fast causing everything to vibrate. I lay in bed for a long while vibrating and twitching. I got up and went to the washroom. The vibrating became visibly noticeable. I called to my husband 4 times. He didn’t hear me so he didn’t come. I heard him get up and I called one more time. By this time I’m crying. I asked him to come in and just hold my shoulders. I was hoping I’d feel some calm. He did rub my back but his mind was more on getting ready to sign in for work.

So like another whoosh and roar I felt so many things at once. The main theme was that I do not ever want anyone to tell me I need to talk about what’s bothering me and that it’s okay to ask for help. When I do I feel like my thoughts, feelings, knowledge, etc is dismissed. I am dismissed. I have to argue my points every day like I’m in some debate club.

I didn’t call the doctor. He’s only in Monday’s and Thursday’s. I didn’t go to emerg because over 8 hours waiting to be told it’s nothing is not okay.

I went to work. Vibrations and all. Mail was hard because of the dizziness.

Time to nap. I just had to get it off my chest that I see the people in my life clearly now. #alone #Unknown #Depression #Anxiety

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What are your dislikes and likes about a tornado?

Here we have a tornado. It's a distructive creature from nature presenting itself as a powerful source. Imagine that you are this tornado, who are you being destructive towards? Why are you being destructive? What are the signs that nature gives to us prior to a natural disaster in the human real life? What kind of message does a tornado give you? What is your interpretation of a tornado in a human life?



Looking for doctor

Hello everyone
I'm looking for a doctor in #German or #america or wherever...
To send my medical files for, and figure out what is my disease...
If you know them and have an email address, please leave a comment
Or send me a message...
It's an emergency, so please give me help:)))
#Unknown disease #Doctor #ChronicIllness


When You Don't Know What to Do

These last couple months many things have come across my plate as an individual. Home, work and other things have brought joy and struggle. I've faced thoughts of giving up and walking away from everything, to thoughts of happiness and fulfillment. In those moments I've tried my best to understand why I feel what I feel. I keep on coming back to this statement "you don't need an answer." This frustrates me. This makes me want an answer even more. I want to know how to take care of my family. I want to have the answer to my wife's anxiety. I want to have an answer to where I should be at in my life. This can drive a person wild, looking for an answer to the waves of life. One day, it's calm. The next, here comes the hurricane of emotions. My main goal in this season is to find people in the unknown. Find healing in the unknown. I want to get my mind and heart right, not just for me, but for those around me. For my family. For my wife. I have hope, I hope you do too. #Anxiety #Unknown #Hope #Depression #Healing


Obsessing over verbal attack on here

#CheckInWithMe #Intolerance #Ableism #Unknown so I had to abort trying to fall asleep in order to email my therapist about scary memories that were triggered by this great book on how messed up society's perspective on grief and loss is. While I was doing that, I got a notification from this app that I had new responses to stuff I'd posted. The very last response it mentioned (and of course, it only gives you so much of the comment, not necessarily all of it) seemed to be pretty nasty. Accusing me of always going off on a rant and never liking anyone's stuff or having anything good to say, and of having "bad humor". Then part of a sentence. When I logged on to see what this person's problem was, so I could figure out how to respond, my tablet wouldn't load the post, no matter what I did, much less the comment. I went to my laptop. It briefly loaded the comment before erasing it. I read enough to see this person was being ignorant and intolerant (again. As I've seen them do on at least one other person's posts), but not enough to tell whether they actually had anything meaningful to say, or whether they were just being narrow minded and arrogant in their belief that essentially 'the world is flat', to use a metaphor.

Nothing I do brings the comment back, and sometimex the post says the response doesn't exist. I'm hoping the moderators caught it, or someone else reported it before I was able to, but I don't know that. And knowing there was an attack against me (I'm pretty sure that's what it was now, though at first I didn't have enough information to make a determination), but not knowing what it said, is driving me a little batty! Even knowing they were being rude and woefully inaccurate (the number of positive responses from other people proves that, to start. Never mind the majority of my posts lately have been about good things in my life!), I still find myself obsessing a little. 🙄.

Anyways, thought I'd post about it, and see if I could get confirmation (or otherwise) about whether it was deleted as inappropriate or something gefore I got to it, or if others can see it and I can't because of some technical glitch. (Computers certainly have enough of those! 😂)


I can no longer control my body

On Friday i spent the night in the er, I had developed sudden tics that had no explanation and still have none. I have seen countless doctors and have been contacted by all of my family every day trying to ask questions. I have no idea whats wrong with my body and I am so so so so exhausted #tic   #Unknown   #tired #Mystery #ouch #Anxiety #Depression

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I'm a little unerved. I can't remember today at /ALL/. My family tells me I was up walking around and doing things, that I had full conversations with them. But I don't remember any of it. And when I did wake up and look at the clock it was 4:30pm.
I'm pretty sure its from my sleeping medicine that I take for my insomnia and maybe the stress I'm under (I snapped yesterday, everything I've held in since I was in middle school [I'm 26] and told my mom how I've felt about everything that's happened since I tried to never make myself a problem for her and I just would be quiet and take the emotional and mental pain and never told her everything everyone had/has done/did to me so she could focus on my sick sister]
But, I'm just writing because I'm scared. I've had hours missing before, but never an entire day!
#Depression #scaredandnotquietaboutit #help #Whatsgoingonwithme #Stress #lost #Unknown


Feelings #Unknown

**Possible triggers read at own risk

*As I lay here in a hot bubble bath trying to calm myself my mind drifts to the unknown the What If this happens what if that happens ?!?! So much uncertainty . I suffer from depression , borderline personality disorder with ocd traits.
I pretty much keep to myself most of the time because of my mental health so self quarantine is not an issue for me what is tho is not knowing what lies ahead Im also very afraid of dying or my kids getting it and I can’t do anything to help ease the pain of this goddamm virus that’s got the world by the “balls” .
I’m so tired
I’m weakening by the day
I’m afraid to eat
I’m afraid to breathe at times for fear I’ll Catch the virus.
I have a cpap machine that’s suppose to help me as I have high blood pressure and severe sleep apnea but I’m to afraid to use it that maybe I’ll get the virus from my machine.
I know crazy talk right .. I’ve
Never been this scared before in my life I’m lashing out at my family
I’m crying many times through the Day thinking this is the end of the world . Please tell me what I can do aside from medication as meds scare me ? I’m so lost ...#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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does it get easier?

last night I was in the hospital and I was in so much pain I couldn’t breathe my vision went black and I was overwhelmed by pain I can honestly say I have never been more scared in my life I feel helpless in a hole that just keeps getting deeper #Unknown #RareDiseases #Chonicillness #unbearable #Pain