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    Throwback reflection

    There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
    Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

    What surprises me the most is:
    I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

    It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
    I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
    I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

    I'd never wanna go back to before.

    A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
    What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

    Thing is, there has been terror.
    I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

    I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
    Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

    Crying helps me too.
    If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
    Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
    To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
    It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

    Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
    Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

    Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

    But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
    Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
    I've been backfired.
    * I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

    I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
    And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
    And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
    So - I still can change and for the better.
    There's and I have hope in it.

    #Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

    20 reactions 5 comments

    When the dragons roar #Bipolar #BPD #Depression

    Hello mighty peeps
    You know that your day was a total mess, when it’s 6PM, and everything you’ve tried to do, has gone T…s up!
    I call #Bipolar , #BPD , #Depression and #ADD that live in my brain, The Dragons.
    Today, they woke up, and #roared like mad!
    It works like this:
    #the dragons spit #fiery insults at #Loved ones… and I am #helpless to stop them. I seem to be saying #Sorry a lot, for stuff I’ve not done. The worst of it for me, is feeling #helpless . Then, for some stupid reason, every single thing I attempt? #Broken ! My computer decided to stop working, the postman left my packages from an expensive online shop in another district, never to be seen again. Post office takes NO blame!?! Then before computer kicked off, I get an email from another online store’ my package was returned, and I must pay more money for a re-delivery??? The postman is on my hitlist. Everything including my voice is gone, my #mind is #roaring with #fury , #Bipolar is having such fun! And I’m about to take a chill pill, or I’m not responsible.
    I hope you all have a fabulous evening

    3 reactions 2 comments
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    Discover How your Body Tells your Story

    The body reveals itself in all its manifestations: through posture, gestures, muscle tone, attitudes of interaction, mastery of space, and speech. Science affirms that the body holds the explanation for the functioning of the mind. The physical constitution and its external characteristics would define, therefore, the performance of people's psyche. In 1933, the Austrian Wilhelm Reich, physician, psychoanalyst and one of Sigmund Freud's disciples, published for the first time the results of his research within psychoanalysis.
    #MentalHealth #Selfcare #mind #body #Selfesteem

    1 reaction 5 comments
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    Something that helped me Conquer my Mind

    Hello everyone!
    I just wanted to recommend this eBook. It helped me a lot to understand myself and to accept myself the way I am. It also helped me in various areas in life like work, relationships, and University as well!
    Just leaving a recommendation of something that helped me and might help others as well:)

    #Ebook #Ebook #mind #body

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    “The Body Reveals The Mind”

    I totally recommend this book. It is a book based on psychoanalysis that amplifies your knowledge on the way you think, feel, and act in various situations of life. This understanding was of great importance in my life & led me to self-knowledge. This book taught me how our character traits are formed, and how they will be reproduced in the body. The nervous system will be formed during the 5 stages of our lives . And it all start in our mother's womb!
    With this content I learned how to deal with my character traits in my day to day life.
    #MightyBookClub #Selfcare #Selflove #psychoanalysis #psychology #mind #MentalHealthCare

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    The Light Within

    “Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.”
    - Cassandra Clare

    Wildlife photography has been my way to enjoy the present, to focus in on the wonder of nature and see it in its purest form. In mother natures arms there aren’t the human constructs we are bound by there is no time, no expectation, no judgement, no fear, no insecurity nor need to identify and control just a place to be, to be me connected to all things and free of thought and full of life. Man have I felt my pain body calling me of late, showing me all the many dark and negative sides, urging me to fall so it can feast but in existence there is always polarity so for every negative thought there is the light of the now, there is a way. Remember always and right now that you are more than your mind, more than your illnesses and struggles the light of existence is in you all. When you feel yourself falling into a cycle use that as a trigger to remind yourself of your blessings, to be present and connected. It’s so easy to surrounder to the notion your life story is written in the pages of your past but we can turn the page, change the narrative and trust the journey.

    I wish every single one of you happiness and joy

    #Depression #Anxiety #Hope #Presence #Serenity #mind

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    My mind

    This is my mind tonight. It's sometimes what keeps me awake. I feel like I am all sorts of mixed up sometimes. LOL



    Do you know how does it feel being a host inside your body , being controlled by your thoughts and your mind ??! #h #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #yourself #mind

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    Grieving the loss of a person who is still alive…

    This goes for the person you were, or the person you could have become. It also goes for those who lose a relationship through divorce, non-communication, or estrangement of a family member, or through illness, dementia, or due to drug treatments for serous illnesses, those treatments that alter a person. A broader sense of grief: “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” #Grief #Loss #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #abandonment #Cancer #cancersucks #Drugs #mind

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    My Social Media

    #SocialMedia is a way we communicate with one another. However, there are always the platforms when you speak your #mind that someone feels the need to degrade you. I have noticed over the years that if you express an #Emotion then people automatically feel like they have something to say about it.

    Most of the time I noticed that people would be empathetic or even sympathetic, but then there are those who are neither. I encountered a lot of people who were #confused and did not understand what it meant to have #BipolarDisorder or #Depression . It always felt like a challenge to try to explain that my moods change. I was using #Facebook like a journal entry. It was not good.

    Today I do not go on it. This is my #SocialMedia and this is my #Outlet to communicate with others. Not many people can relate to the #fracturedind the way this #Community does. For this all, I am very thankful! 💗