At least do no harm
An Evening Reflection:
My anxiety is reducing as I learn new tools. My guilt has subsided as I embrace compassionate care from deep within myself. Yet the ringing in my ears is ever so near. I thus cannot forget that there is a disruption deep inside my head.
I have an injury that is taken more time to completely heal. I am now therefore learning, I can conquer my mindset. With acceptance and truth. I accept the fact, I have a traumatic brain injury, and that’s worth resting so it will reduce.
There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.
What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.
It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.
I'd never wanna go back to before.
A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.
Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.
I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.
Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.
Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.
Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.
But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.
I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.
#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy
I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.
I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.
I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.
I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.
#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control
In the Silence Of My Tears
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
All the memories from demons past and present
come flooding over me
Nights turn to days … and … days turn to nights
As I lay in the silent embers of my burning tears
He lays next to me, Still I am alone,
in the midst of the night as I silently cry
Why must these demons haunt me eternally,
why am I alone in my tears
If all time is eternally present, how can I escape my demons past
How can I reach my future without maddening frustration,
without silent tears
With time past always in my presence
How can I escape the cold darkness of the aloneness
My sadness deepens with each tear that falls on deaf ears
Still he hears me not, in the stillness of the silence
My past and present collide into one
never ending nightmare of isolation
Is this my destiny
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
I scream out in silence through my tear stained face
See me, hear me, I am not invisible
As I lay in the silence of my tears
Negative thinking in Addiction is ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT FALL INTO. I have asked myself and colleagues who are in Recovery, ( ALL STAGES) have did any of you wake one day and SAY , TODAY IS THE DAY I BECOME AN ADDICT? Was it the role that your family inadvertently had a part in the decision to make sure that YOU WERE THE SCAPEGOAT FOR THE MISERY IN THE FAMILY? But really it was US who were the STRONGEST PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY, mentally.
I’m a truth seeker and a rabid researcher. I must find the source of my depression and anxiety. My therapist suggested I make a time line of my traumas. Seems like a good idea but I’m scared of what I will unearth. Will there be relief or just more grief? #Trauma #Depression #Childhoodtrauma #time #Anxiety
What is time?
Well, that's an hard question, but we know for sure that everyone feels it differently; by managing it well we may improve our life.
I used to lose my cognition of the time passing, and i wondered what i could do about it, so i "invented" (surely someone already did that, but i made it up for me) a peculiar practice:
- You just need a timer, and to set a countdown, for example 2 minute to begin with...
Start it, and just count the seconds without watching it, freely, with no pressure!
As the timer sound, you may verify if you could count right..
And here's a key thing, you don't have to judge yourself if you get it wrong, just be aware of it! Breathe, let it be.
You may add more time as you progress, slowly, as you feel it.
- It resulted to me into a better cognition of every moment, and then into less anxiety, since my timing with appointments became on point, without having to watch the clock every minute...
After more pratice, even if i got late (although it got more and more rare), i wasn't stressed about it anymore, definitely improved my life!
I also tried to add some breathing meditation after it, that added relaxation and awareness...
If you want to go deeper, you may also cancel our concept of time, then just breathe while letting it go, live the moment freely, without any connection with the world pressure, just be and connect with existance.
This may not work for everyone, and i'm not a doctor but just a meditation practitioner, and a passionate about neuroscience, so if you suffer of PTSD, or other issues that may trigger you, i suggest you to talk with a therapist before trying.
I hope this may help someone!
Let me know what you think about it!
When in doubt...put it in