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    Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

    I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

    When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

    The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

    It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

    I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

    This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

    I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

    EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

    #Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

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    With all the negative things happening in my life I have began to loss hope that things will get better. Finding out I got kicked out of school because people had a vengeful motive for going to the President of the nursing department. Today finding out I need to get another Upper Endoscopy because of my swallowing issue form four years ago making a return. Also, my therapist telling me I don’t have a mental illness was a huge blow.

    That hope though was restored today. The hope that there are good people that still see the good in me and care about me. It came from an unlike source, but not a truly surprising source. Let me give you a little background on the person. The person is a nurse at the local hospital, and I first meet her when she was a student. I have had other encounters with her over the years through transferring patients, she was my nurse when I got my second endoscopy and was my dad’s nurse in the endoscopy and then radiation oncology. She has always been super sweet and nice to me hence why it wasn’t a total surprise. The surprise came today when I took my dad to an appointment at the hospital and after he was checked out she came over with open arms and said I haven’t seen you in awhile and have be a big hug. Something she had never done before. Little did I know until after she asked my dad extensively about how I was going and if I was in school. Her hug was not because she hadn’t seen me awhile, her hug was instead a hug of compassion, worry, and genuine caring.

    This hug made my day better even though I thought it was just a hug because someone hadn’t seen me in a while. The true impact came after I found out the true meaning of the hug. This person went out of there way to give me a hug when others see me as a horrible person. This hug showed me a level of caring that I haven’t seen since my life started circling the drain. She will never know the impact her gestured had on me, but I hope to one day be able to tell her and I pray that life rewards her with many great things. The thing that is amazing about it is she could easily have done nothing, she didn’t have to show compassion toward me, she didn’t have to be caring or compassion toward me, I wasn’t her patient, and we don’t see each other on the regular. But she choose to act, to show compassion to someone going through a rough time. She is the true image of what a nurse is. She is truly ana amazing person that choose to act when it wasn’t required. I pray I get to one day tell her the impact her action had, but I fear I will never be given that opportunity.

    So, Jessica you are an amazing caring and compassionate person that choose not to see that negativity put out there by people trying to tell my story, you instead choose to make your own view of me, a positive view, a view that I am going through a rough patch and just need to know someone cares. So, to you I say thank you and tell you that you are one of the most caring people I have ever meet. I can never repay you or reward you for your action today, but you have forever changed my life. I have always thought you were nice and sweet, but today’s action permanently cemented that for me. I pray I get to tell you one day the positivity you have brought into my life with a simple hug. They say things happen for a reason, well today’s hug came a time where I have been mentally and emotionally beaten down to the point my life is metaphorically circling the drain.

    It is amazing how something as small as a hug can have such a huge impact. It amazing how going against the majority and showing compassion and caring toward someone can have a huge impact, an impact you may never know you are making. I have seen this only a select few times in the last 6 months. The first time came from Amanda that I used to work with that still talks to me despite facing ridicule from her coworkers and when her and her daughter got me a birthday present. The second time this happened was today with the hug. She could have easily viewed me how the rest of society views me, but she went against the majority and showed compassion toward me. I think about it and I wonder if with my social anxiety if I would have been able to do the same for another. But, after today and the impact it had on me, I know any future chance I will do the same thing that these two amazing woman have done for me.

    #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar #MentalHealth #Suicide #Depression #Anxiety #compassion #Bekind

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    Talk About It Tuesday: The Compassion Of Others

    What’s the kindest thing someone has done for you because of your diabetes condition?

    Share your stories in the comments 👇🏾

    #Diabetes #DiabetesType1 #DiabetesType2 #Diabetestype3 #lada #mody #prediabetes #GestationalDiabetes #JuvenileDiabetesType1 #ChronicIllness #AutoimmuneDisease #Lifestyle #compassion #Support #SupportGroups #Health #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether


    Growing Pains

    Back in the day,

    We used to play outside till dawn

    Now, we're just another government pawn

    Back in the day,

    We used to live, laugh & grow

    Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

    What is this shit? (mind my language)

    Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

    As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

    Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

    The days when we could cry and be comforted

    Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

    Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

    But it's life,

    So put away that knife

    It is what it is -

    God is good, all is his

    Better days are ahead

    So, go and continue to chase that bread!

    #Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion

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    Have you ever?

    Have your ever felt like no one understands you?

    Like you are alive but yet you feel like you are also dead

    Have you ever tried to reach out or talk

    But then, you are like 'nah, they won't get it'

    Have you ever felt so anxious,

    you masked it with ridiculously lame and 'weird' humour or sarcasm?

    Just to make it look like you are super chill but you are really just nervous

    Have you ever wanted to win a stranger's heart

    By giving them random compliments or by trying to make them smile or laugh

    Secretly thinking to yourself that this is exactly how you feel everyone should be and treat each other

    Have you ever been so naive to ignore the bad in someone and focus solely on the positives and look at the good in everyone?

    Have you ever been so foolish that you've tried to help and support or cheer up someone that has repeatedly hurt you and you know does not care about you and probably would not do the same in return? Yet, you do it anyways?

    Have you ever just stared into space, zoned out and smile...

    Imagining your perfect little dream world

    Imagining Utopia

    Have you ever been so naturally 'high' that people have assumed you drank or did drugs?

    Have you ever felt happy inside but on the outside felt scared to express or show it because of well, so-called evil eye

    Have you ever not believed in superstitions yet still been anxious and overthink your interactions due to them

    Have you ever just been happy for no reason at all like a child

    Have you ever... just spontaneously wrote a post like this without even thinking?

    Impulsivity can be fun but it can be exhausting...

    Humour can be fun but be tiring...

    Good things come and go; it is okay to feel not okay and for bad times to also come, they also go.

    Don't stop being you due to the bad moments or days

    KEEP SMILING :) :) Your energy is contagious and is needed to make the world go round - YING YANG - hippie style

    #modernhippie #hippiestyle #yingyang #loa #TheSecret #Energy #vibe #GoodVibes #smile #keepsmiling #haveyouever #justdoit #taketheinitiative #takerisks #risk #Risks #Impulsivity #spontaneous #bebold #bold #Brave #courage #strength #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #resilience #Empathy #compassion #humanity #happyness #pursuitofhappyness #justlisten #listen #justobserve


    Dying is NOT a Pissing Match

    When reaching out to a cousin about my life-threatening illness, I was met with her text response, “Bigger problems. I have HIV”. I responded in a kindly manner offering moral support and received no further response. It's more than a week later. I know she is probably scared. So am I. However, I was quite annoyed with the one-up-manship; especially, because I know she is misinformed. Dying has never been a competition, as far as I know. Let's look at the most current scientific facts:

    With the right treatment and care, people with HIV can live a normal lifespan.


    Analyzing prognostic factors in 84 hematologic patients with invasive fusariosis, the 90-day probability of survival was 0% if patients had persistent neutropenia

    When someone reaches out to you about their life-threatening disease, get your facts straight before being unkind, even if you have your own life-threatening disease. Dying is NOT a pissing match.

    #lifethreateningdisease #lifeexpectancystatistics #compassion #DeathOfFamilyScapegoat


    “When people show you who they are believe them the first time”

    I just saw a YouTube video and heard Oprah say this. I used to say it too, but I no longer buy into this belief, and I’ve stopped saying it. Here’s why:

    “……… believe them the first time”

    People can display unfortunate behaviours because of unresolved trauma, e.g. survival mechanisms, triggers etc. These behaviours are not who people are but merely symptoms of unhealed trauma.
    Instead, I look at PATTERNS. These are also not who a person is, but if there’s a recurring pattern of destructive behaviour, it is a telltale that a person likely is struggling with some serious and unresolved issues.
    In that case, I would reconsider how close I want to be with that person - for the sake of my mental health.
    (Please understand this doesn’t apply for abusive behaviours in any shape or form)

    I’m aiming to be more compassionate, both to myself and others.
    Humans are quick to judge and jump to conclusions, throwing labels around and putting others in boxes. It’s not kind. It’s not cool. No wonder the world is at war; it lacks compassion.

    Can we all become more aware and stop believing everything that meets the eye??
    We never know what someone is going through.
    Humbleness and compassion is cool; maybe we should all practice this a little more?

    ~ JG

    #newperspective #compassion #mentalhealthmatters #discernment #humbleness #Love


    Making a better world

    Spreading #Kindness , #compassion and #Support is now something I am focused on as I continue on my life journey.

    I have seen this world as a very dark and scary place filled with mean people for almost 40 years.

    I am trying to acknowledge people when they impact my life without triggering my fears.

    Going out of my way to thank people who provide me with a service.

    Recognizing people for their positive attitudes that impact and intersect with my life.

    In the past two weeks, I haven't been out in the world just a few times.

    I have encountered two people that I recognized as part of the world I want to keep. Their enthusiasm for their work and helping me with what I needed made a difference in my life.

    My default in life is to see the world as scary place filled with mean people. I still see the scary and the mean people, but I am working on recognizing there are a few that make the world somewhat tolerable even at times enjoyable.

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    Compassion fatigue

    #Compassionfatigue is when you are to the point of exhaustion in an emotional or physical way that leads to a diminished ability to care for others or express compassion or even empathize.

    I feel like this sometimes although I don't know what led to it. Sometimes I'm sitting there all put out because I have to even speak. I wouldn't consider myself even with the gift of empathy in a major way. But there are definitely times when I feel exhausted by all that there is to do or even say or express. Does this mean I am a highly sensitive person? Sometimes I feel like that.

    Back to compassion fatigue, I feel like it means someone always has to put a lot into just their day. Or to put it better, someone puts so much into their day and it's exhausting. I feel like I am coming up short on the fact that I feel empathy. Although there are times that it overwhelms me, there are times when I am very compassionate. It does wear me down and out.

    I am glad I got it out. I am very astounded that I feel exhausted because I ever felt compassion and empathy that much apparently. I always thought it was beyond my ability to feel anything. I am a good person. I guess I just didn't realize it.

    #Empathy #compassion #Fatigue