SelfSabatoging

I have such constant negative thoughts. I can’t escape it no matter what I do. I read the Bible. I listen to affirmations. I get on a negative rant in my head while listening to affirmations. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I can’t seem to beat the negativity. I’m depressed and self sabotaging. I can’t keep a good social circle bc I’m the downer. I replay painful experiences in my head over and over. I even feel like my therapist has given up on me. When I do get a friend, I talk them into compassion fatigue with my constant negativity and rehashing of pain and sadness. I wish I was a different person. #Depression #Anxiety #NegativeThinking #SelfSabatoging

I’ve come to realize that I self sabotage my relationships with others and at times I’m fully aware of it. I like the people that I’m around, I appreciate them for who they are, but after a while I find that I need to distance myself from them because “ I can’t rely on them all the time” or “ I need to make my own way “. I do feel terrible about it and I know that I’ve unwittingly hurt somebody’s feelings behind this. Some time ago, I’ve come to the realization that I do have a form of abandonment issues. Everything could be great with me and another person and then I feel I have to jump ship. They are the innocent party in all of this. I find this to be true with in my friendships men. I like them, but I pull away because something inside me says that I’m not that important to them, that they have other people in mind, or to simply put it, I’m not good enough for them. There are moments when someone might ask where I’ve been, but no one has really been firm with me in a way that pushes me to look at this the way that it is. I can hold my own, but I’ve always felt that if I ever did have a relationship with someone, they would have to bring me back to focus, to keep me grounded and to make me come out of me “safe zone” so to speak. He’d have to be strong though, because I know that I can be stubborn and run the other way when it comes to my feelings and what I really want. I need for someone to tell me “No. We need to settle this.” Until then, I disappear out of fear that they would leave me first. #Depression #MentalHealth #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #Pushingaway #trustissues #abandonment #selfsabotage #SelfSabatoging

Today is 2 months since I last cut myself, and it’s a bittersweet feeling.

I go in spurts of time where I won’t cut for up to 3 months then I’ll start doing it weekly or more. I know that after I had my consultation for surgery, I stopped cutting because I didn’t want them to think I was too mentally unstable for surgery. I am now 10 days post op and recovering.

I’ve been having some self harm urges but like, I’m recovering from surgery right now and it wouldn’t be a good idea. I try very hard to distract myself. I remind myself that if I cut I may need the hospital for stitches and I REALLY don’t want to go back there. My medication while I recover also makes me dizzy and loss of blood could make me pass out. These are the things I must continue to tell myself in order to stay cut free.

It feels good to be able to say I’m self harm free for 2 months. At the same time, it’s making me feel this extreme urge to start up again. I guess it’s like a self sabotage thing. Part of me says yay keep going you’ve got this. The other part says no you need to cut now. I’m going to try so very hard to listen to the side that says keep going you’ve got this. Hopefully I can continue recovering from self harm.

On a other note, I will eventually make a post about my surgery, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Hey, Guys so I'm facing a life difficult decision and have been facing some really hard times and I'm feeling really lost and need some advice. So I had to drop out of all my last year university semesters because I failed the year. I've been facing some really severe insomnia and anxiety. Recently I had to attend my court case where I had to defend myself against the person who assaulted me. So help. Now i have to the choice to move to austalia with my friend, move with my partner down to a small town in the or stay
#Advice #Anxietysexual #SexualAssaultSurvivors   #SexualTrauma

I go through this honeymoon phase for the first 2-3 months after "starting over" (new job, new relationship, etc.) before I want to sabotage everything. It usually starts small such as skipping medication doses which then in turn affects other parts of my life and before long im back on my ass thinking how easily I could have prevented this. I want to stop this cycle because intellectually I know its not worth it but emotionally it still seems like a viable option. Any advice on in the moment techniques to combat this?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #SelfSabatoging

I wrote 4 new poems today, but am feeling anxious about posting them on here. This is my actual first time posting. Sucks how depression and anxiety fill my mind with lies, that my poems are awful and not worth sharing with the world. #Anxiety #Depression ##SelfSabatoging #MightyPoets