Depresion

Hello. My name is Ed. This is my first post. I’m not sure this is the type of thing to post.

Just for context. I have BPD/Complex PTSD/Depression/Anxiety and I show patterns of bipolar. I also have dyslexia which become worse when I’m struggling the most. I take Pregablin Lamortrigine and Mirtazipine.

I am really really struggling with my gf. Our relationship can be very very volatile at times, and she always lies by saying I said something or did something when I know I didn’t. I stick up for myself and then it’s like throwing petrol on a bonfire, and the rage goes up inside me and my brain feels like it’s on fire.. it’s unbarable. My reaction to such is often to shout and become defensive, but also to become withdrawn.. but it’s like being exshausting.

I need help with dealing with triggers like this, but I just can’t find it.

I often find it really difficult expressing my feelings to her, whether that is if something’s good or bad. I don’t tell her I love her that often, but it’s not because I don’t (I don’t think haha) I just find it so hard overcoming all the fuzz in my head day to day to be forward thinking enough to be all like “you’re amazing and I love you because of this this and this” and it’s like, when she’s upset me I destroy that thought of love etc and hide it away some way, and that looks like I’m being cold or whatever.

It feels like she sometimes treats me like I’m broken and need fixing and is always saying in arguments “you need to go back to the doctors” or “your pupils have come massive” meaning I have crazy bipolar eyes.

I just want to hide away, or drink myself silly to cope…

Sorry I’m just ranting, I don’t know how to cope..

Living with Life-Long Suicidal Depression since at least 4-years-old (mid 1970s); and Migraine Headaches that have been regular (at least 1 to 2 times a week [more weeks now are turning in to at least 2 days] since the mid 1990s) and many other health problems that are on and off weekly or monthly; Extra Debt that I was pressed in to; which can cause me to lose the house, SSDI so it is hard to earn extra money to get out of Debt; and with Life-Long Suicidal Depression, in addition to the Major Pains, I really have been desiring more to be able to go Home to be with my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I would greatly appreciate any feed back.

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#sad #Depresion #ADHD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder is it possible to feel emptiness and sadness forever? I have taken and done what seems like everything possible for myself to become a better person and have a happy life. I'm relatively healthy. My husband is a good provider. I just can’t seem to find joy in anything anymore. I get bored with hobbies very fast. I'm not too crafty. I used to love hiking and exploring where I live. Now it's just boring and repetitive.
I'll be 39 in November and I just feel like this is going to be how I feel forever: Sad. Angry. Depressed.

MOST of the time, I’m not even “present “
But trapped in my mind
battling for my life.

I had a brilliant week, I finally could breathe a bit better but it seems that when I say I’m better something bad is always happening.
Last week I rant up about my home problems, tonight being at work I received a call from my dad telling me that my grandma cannot breathe.
Instant anxiety attack.
I’ve been to office talked with my shift manager and at break, I’ve met with my dad outside the workplace saying he’s gonna go home because she cannot breathe and to lend him some money.
I’ve talked with her at phone, it was disturbing for me., struggling to breathe, to say anything, I felt her pain, I can’t describe but it hurt me so much.
I went back,inside, booked emergency holiday, stayed till 2 and after went home.
I have an airplane to go home in 3h, hopefully she will not pass till than 😞
Like I told to my boss, I cant do it, it is so hard for me, knowing that she’s not feeling alright is killing me.
She grew me till i was 16-17, i cant she s like a Mom FOR me.
I’ve tried everything to try to calm down, I can’t, I had another anxiety attack ☹️
I don’t know what I’m gonna do because after I had my trauma at work, I don’t think I can go through grief 😖😭😭
#Depresion #Lowmood #Anxiety

Im having a crap time today. Cant seem to shake off my feelings. Previous mistakes looming to repeat themselves. Suicide kit in my car boot. I have everything I need,,,, why am I so low. Helped a very vunerable lady yesterday but my joy is short lived. How much fight have I left,I dont know anymore