Suicidal Thoughts

Hi, my name is SerenePetrel6491. I'm here because I don’t know how to progress or advance with suicidal thoughts. I’ve tried therapy for a few months and I felt like it only allowed me to get my thoughts out. I haven’t gone in over 6 months and I thought I was doing better, recently I’ve lost my best friends. I don’t have a person that I could call and just let it all out and have listen to me for hours on end. Most of my adolescence I’ve been quite solitary but I’ve finally reached a breaking point. I live with my mother but she’s drowning in paying bills and putting food in the table, I don’t want to stress her more with paid therapy and by putting more weight on her.

This is my first time sharing anything of the sorts online and I wanted to see if anyone had advice, similar experiences or a perspective to give. Thank you.

#MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety

My parents don’t understand what I am going through. I have been in and out of mental hospitals and they make it seem like what I am going through isn’t as serious as it actually is; it is extremely serious and should not be taken lightly. I have been in a mental hospital more than 10 times. My older sister, I don’t get along with her and she told my mom to lock me up in a mental hospital. One of my aunts told me I have nothing to be depressed over because I don’t pay any bills. People don’t understand how much I have been through. Bullying, people being rude to me. I have been rejected and called ugly my whole life. One of my cousins even told me I crave attention. Very rude and disrespectful. Also my cousins say I am not their age and yet they talk to people my age. I don’t want them in my life but I do know I deserve so much better than them all

#Depression #MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #ADHD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Trauma #PTSD #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PanicAttack #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Bipolar1 #Selfharm #DepressiveDisorders #CheckInWithMe #Mania #MightyTogether #SocialAnxiety #SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #EatingDisorders #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Autism #Grief #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ChronicIllness #Disability #LearningDisabilities

People often say I have a good life — the kind others would wish for. And maybe, on paper, it looks like I do.

But most days, I feel like I’m barely holding myself together with invisible thread. And when that thread breaks, I break in silence.

No one really sees that I cry alone — in the car on the way to work, at the office, in the shower at night, on walks where I pretend to be deep in thought. They just see me smiling. Functioning. Being “fine.”

I don’t talk about how I really feel, because every time I’ve tried, it’s backfired. People think I’m complaining, or being dramatic. So now I just say, “I’m okay,” and ask them how they’re doing. Because that feels safer. Cleaner. Less of a burden.

But I carry everything. I carry the exhaustion, the hopelessness, the shame. I carry the weight of therapy that’s supposed to help. I’ve been in therapy for over five years. I know why I feel like this. I understand the origins of my pain. But knowing hasn’t set me free.

I still repeat the same choices, still end up in the same place — watching my life from the inside like I’m stuck in a loop. Wanting to do better, to be better. And constantly failing.

It’s hard to explain how deep the loneliness runs. I don’t really have people I can talk to — not fully. I don’t have friends I trust not to leave, and part of me believes it’s because of who I am.

I often think I’m just a bad person pretending to be a good one. Someone who tries to help others, but can’t help herself.

Sometimes, when things were really dark, I used to think about suicide with planning — choosing the “right” day that wouldn’t fall near birthdays or holidays. Trying to protect the people I’d leave behind.

But now?

Now I don’t care about those things anymore. And that’s the part that scares me.

I don’t want attention. I don’t want pity. I just want this pain to stop. I want to stop pretending. I want to stop being trapped in this in-between space — where I’m not okay, but not gone. Where I exist, but don’t live. Where I breathe, but don’t feel like I’m here.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just the truth. And I’ve spent too long keeping it to myself.

#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts

Well, today makes 11 years since we lost dad. One of the best things he ever told me was this…
“Throughout your life people will come in and out of it. Some you will miss terribly and others you will breathe a sigh of relief when they’re gone”
Miss you dad. You’re definitely one I miss terribly. #Grief #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

For years I kept walls that I built because of so much abuse I endured in different ways.

I needed so much time to work on that and it was hell to become vulnerable again. To be open so much like giving someone opportunity to love you or stab your heart.

You need a lot of courage to be that vurnerable towards others. My lecture was that I was always fool in the end with showing my vulnerability and in the end so rejected that I don't have real friends nor any relationships and I can't trust anyone. At the same time I don't know for how long I should "hide" my problems before I open myself. I never get that mindset of hiding things and gradually opening. My ex colleagues told me several times why I say everything in the beginning to others I'm dating. But I can't see a point of not telling it. I am honest and raw. Maybe I don't have social skills because I am autistic and I don't get some things that most people I know do. It doesn't make a sense to me.

There are several situations in which hurt was so big that I decided I'm nobody's fool anymore and even though I respect everyone's freedom to choose to be with me in any kind of -ship or not but I also don't have to suffer others insults, rejections and simmilar.

Now I rather keep distant and inside my high walls than to let anyone to play with my feelings and betray me. Rather suppress my longings to be protected. I betrayed others too and I can't get that time back but I try to be different and I tried to repair damage I did towards others.

In 2023. I started dating one man I fell in love and it was mutual. As I was open from start he knew I suffer from anorexia, he knew my mental health problems, my other problems too. We dated for shorter time and then came time of decision should we step into relationships or go our own ways.

For me it was decision for relationship and for him it was no in the end even though he had romantic feelings for me. He couldn't accept me with anorexia. I was also a risk for him in meaning what if he wants to leave and he feared I'd harm myself because of that because that's his similar experience from past. I started proving myself, justifying. I would never use emotional manipulation.
After our last big talk I realised that at that point I didn't want to be with him despite my deep romantic feelings for him. I was rather finding my wrongs than see that he was one who also has big problems but always my fault.

I was often asked by him how I'm doing and after my answer I would get unsolicited advices and felt like he wants to fix me. I'm not a problem, I am a person who has problems, illnesses and disabilities.

Numerous times I told him to stop giving me unsolicited advices and many things happened. I was cutting him off from time to time from communication as we couldn't be friends, it was dating and going to relationship or going on in life each in their way... but I would in the end always approach him first which would result with frustration and being angry because he hurt me in past and other things repeated and repeated. After being so rejected and hurt only because I was vurnerable, open, with all cards on the table I was the fool. I hate how much he hurt me and how I let this happen.

Recently, I completely, without any bye long stories, cut his off from my life as he wasn't playing any role, no proper communication or anything else. So what is name of that? Probably situationship which has no purpose.

I'm adjusting to the fact that there will never be any change in our -ship and to go on. My hopes will vanish with time, I will endure that even though it hurts. It hurts to be too much, burden, broken, unwanted!

A year before I met that guy, I started to build friendship with one girl. I didn't notice that it wasn't any kind of relationship. I was in one situation last year of almost being homeless, praying for miracle for place to live or going back to my abusive parents. I decided I will go to homeless shelter because I can't stand abuse anymore. I was desperate. She offered to stay at her mother's house for some time. It was offered by her, I didn't ask for it.

Her mother got scared when my "friend" described me to her mother in my diagnoses, just diagnoses. Fabi needs a wheelchair, Fabi is autistic, Fabi has a PTSD, she's disabled.
I was in shock. Like, we knew eachother for few years, we spent time together more or less frequently and she just told her mother my diagnoses, she didn't know to describe me? I was speechless. That gave me an opportunity to question friendships in general and this one which actually never existed. I distanced and I was hurt. I was full of etiquettes by someone who can't say a sentence about me, by someone I thought she is my friend, who spent time with me but she couldn't describe me in any proper sentence. I was shocked by her inability of describing me more than just giving my diagnoses. Her mother was scared and said that I can't stay there. Her mother has stereotype look on autism and PTSD, and when you add a wheelchair you're unacceptable totally.

Also she told me a bit later that she has no capacity for me and doesn't want to talk about anything intimate with me, the message was - "You're too much". She doesn't want to have anything with me. I still question what happened in between because she knew my problems with health and being disabled but then I turned into bunch of etiquettes.

In the meantime I started to date one man and feelings were mutual. I was open again and told him my illnesses, struggles, told him my struggles with suffering and being suicidal. In start he wanted to be with me immediately and I'm not that type of person to just jump into relationship.
Once I noticed he wasn't okay so I asked and he told me that he fears my suicidal thoughts and doesn't sleep for days. I was going back from work like around midnight and I called him. In the end I came to his apartment, hold his hand and was with him so he can sleep. Later therapist told me that I put his needs over mine, blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault. I went straight after hard work to his apartment in 1.a.m. I was beating myself mentally so much. His fears are valid but they come from his unresolved trauma with his mother who tried to take her own life numerous times and he was the one who had to save her. Again I was there with him, offering to stay so he can sleep, go over myself. Shortly after that he said he doesn't want to be in relationship. I told him that he needs therapy for his traumas because he's projecting the same things and told him we will go no contact because I am not a toy. I was hurt and my openes was curse again.

I can't describe my suffering because of that and my hurt for messages I got. Even though I'd like to have friends and be in relationship I realised I'm unlovable and those things won't happen.

I also don't ever want to be hurt again so I am building walls, I know that I will never find someone who would truly love me and I don't need floscules because I know what I was told, what&who I am and no nobody will get a chance to get close to me because they would hurt me. I don't believe in love anymore and I don't trust people anyway. I am on alert about myself so I never allow any closeness.

I'd rather go over my longings and wish to be with someone and have friends than to be betrayed, hurt, rejected or harmed in any way.
I hate that I'm too much, that I'm a risk, that I am unlovable and what others did to me when I was honest, vulnerable and open. I gave three persons to choose to either love me or stab me in the heart after hard work to be open and vulnerable again. They choosed the latter.

I will never again follow any advice to be vulnerable, I may suffer but it's better to suffer from that than to be hurt in such awful ways. I didn't heal from these things and maybe I never will but I learned my lesson.
#WheelchairUser #Disability #AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #vulnerabilitykills #Autism

So it’s 1970, I’m getting ready to start school. Now in a couple of months I’ll be 60. How?? I’ve been married 3 times, my marital status is widowed. Both parents have passed, I sat and watched my mom just quit breathing. I lost my son almost 5 years ago, no more conversations about “Breaking Bad”. Thank God I still have my 32 year old daughter, who is an absolute blesssing. I’ve had 45 years of dealing with depression, Anxiety and suicidal thoughts, though in the beginning we never really had names for any of them. How did everything pass so quickly? I’ve endured loss after loss, and there were times it was almost me. Today is a two Xanax day, anxiety is rearing its ugly head in such a horrible way. I don’t guess there’s a point to this rant, it’s just what’s going through my mind over and over at a hundred miles an hour. I work nights and I’m unable to sleep today. Maybe this has come up because my dad passed eleven years ago this Thursday. I don’t know…if you read this all the way through, thank you and I’m sorry. #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and with the epic universe opening at universal studios in Florida in a few short weeks, my depression has skyrocketed.

I live in the Midwest, far away from anything fun, pretty much in bum f*ck nowhere. I think the greatest clame to fame we have anywhere around me is The Dells and the water park capital of the world. Which I cal bullshit because it’s literally cold all the time!! The Dells is also garbage. Just tourists crap, nothing really cohesive.

Needless to say I hate where I live, it’s cold all the time even in the ‘summer’. My anxiety and depression are terrible and only get worse when we fall behind and then not only is it cold, but now it’s dark.

I’ve been struggling for just shy of a year now to find a job. Apparently, the postings are for show because absolutely barely anyone is calling me back. I’m aware that the currently political situation is only complicated things even more.

I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and videos of previews of the epic universe have been abundant and the first few were cool to watch. But now they are just making me extremely sad. I feel completely powerless and just want to be there in that beautiful weather at the theme parks. Yes I’m aware it wouldn’t end my anxiety and depression, but I bet the warm weather coupled with the theme parks would be a massive pick me up.

I’ve been to Disney and Universal a handful of times throughout the years and always wanted that escape from the Midwest permanently. I’m aware working for the parks would be different, but honestly it can’t be any worse than the Midwest…I’ve been trying for years to work for the parks for litteral years. First through the collage program, but was rejected not once but twice! A few years apart too, and always turned down for anything I applied too posted on their website since I’ve now aged out of the collage program. Including custodial! Which I have 14 years experience in :(

I wish I just had the money to pick up and leave, not I do not have that luxury and would need an offer before I just packed up. I also cannot stand my family’s reaction to this want of mine always trying to tell me of how awesome the state is…using Facebook and showing me posts from people who have visited maybe once for a few days…bro they have not been here in the middle of January when it’s negative outside they come for summer fest or whatever. So no, I’m sorry those peoples opinions do not count. Sometimes they tell me to just move then if I’m so unhappy. Well I can’t just move because of this thing called money.

I hate drowning in my anxiety and depression, which honestly is what makes up most of my days. I don’t know why I’m writing this, just wanted to vent I guess.

#CheckInWithMe
#Depression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts