Suicidal Thoughts

Hi, my name is Keke. I'm here because
I want to find support in overcoming suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety
#MightyTogether

Hey,
I don’t really know how to start, so I’ll keep it short.

I went through severe depression 4 years ago. I survived multiple suicide attempts. I saw different psychiatrists, but none of them really helped. They just prescribed medications to keep me stable, calm, and able to sleep (I also struggle with insomnia). I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

2 years ago, after my last suicide attempt, I was admitted to one of the worst rehab facilities. It felt more like a prison. They kept me sedated with heavy meds just to keep me quiet, and the staff were manipulative, heartless, and abusive. They isolated me, made sure I couldn’t reach anyone. My dad managed to get me out after my sister panicked when they mentioned electroconvulsive therapy.

After I got out, I tried to act like I was okay. But I realized that no one from my old life really cared. Not one of the people I used to spend every single day with noticed I had disappeared for 4 months.

I got a job and met new friends who actually love and care about me, and I care about them deeply too.

My family loves me in their own way, I know that…But ever since my diagnosis, they’ve been emotionally pressuring me to “just be okay.” My mom cries constantly, and my dad just keeps checking if I’ve taken my meds. The moment they sense anything wrong, they panic. So I’ve learned to wear this mask..always pretending I’m fine, just to reassure them.

At the same time, they won’t let me live my life. I’m not allowed to go out with friends, work, go to the gym…even just take a walk. It’s like I’m being punished for not being okay before

But the truth is…I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time. I still suffer from psychosis and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve tried to go back to therapy, but here in Egypt, proper behavioral therapy doesn’t really exist. All I ever got was medication..no one taught me how to deal with what’s going on inside me.

So I’m asking now: would a life coach help? How do I even find a good one? Because tbh, it feels like this might be my last chance. #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

Hey,
I don’t really know how to start, so I’ll keep it short.

I went through severe depression 4 years ago. I survived multiple suicide attempts. I saw different psychiatrists, but none of them really helped. They just prescribed medications to keep me stable, calm, and able to sleep (I also struggle with insomnia). I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

2 years ago, after my last suicide attempt, I was admitted to one of the worst rehab facilities. It felt more like a prison. They kept me sedated with heavy meds just to keep me quiet, and the staff were manipulative, heartless, and abusive. They isolated me, made sure I couldn’t reach anyone. My dad managed to get me out after my sister panicked when they mentioned electroconvulsive therapy.

After I got out, I tried to act like I was okay. But I realized that no one from my old life really cared. Not one of the people I used to spend every single day with noticed I had disappeared for 4 months.

I got a job and met new friends who actually love and care about me, and I care about them deeply too.

My family loves me in their own way, I know that…But ever since my diagnosis, they’ve been emotionally pressuring me to “just be okay.” My mom cries constantly, and my dad just keeps checking if I’ve taken my meds. The moment they sense anything wrong, they panic. So I’ve learned to wear this mask..always pretending I’m fine, just to reassure them.

At the same time, they won’t let me live my life. I’m not allowed to go out with friends, work, go to the gym…even just take a walk. It’s like I’m being punished for not being okay before

But the truth is…I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time. I still suffer from psychosis and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve tried to go back to therapy, but here in Egypt, proper behavioral therapy doesn’t really exist. All I ever got was medication..no one taught me how to deal with what’s going on inside me.

So I’m asking now: would a life coach help? How do I even find a good one? Because tbh, it feels like this might be my last chance.

its hard to imagine peoples reactions, to me being gone and it being done by me. i am not sure whether they will be surprised or relieved. probably wished i was never conceived, i wish anyone could believe in me im falling like autumn leaves #SuicidalThoughts #Falling #MentalHealth #dying

As of right now I'm okay, I think. I don't know how to feel. I'm not sad but I'm not happy either. I'm awake at least, but it's only when I'm awake that I think about dying. I will be okay I think. but it's hard to think with a million thoughts.#SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Suicide #Awake

People often say I have a good life — the kind others would wish for. And maybe, on paper, it looks like I do.

But most days, I feel like I’m barely holding myself together with invisible thread. And when that thread breaks, I break in silence.

No one really sees that I cry alone — in the car on the way to work, at the office, in the shower at night, on walks where I pretend to be deep in thought. They just see me smiling. Functioning. Being “fine.”

I don’t talk about how I really feel, because every time I’ve tried, it’s backfired. People think I’m complaining, or being dramatic. So now I just say, “I’m okay,” and ask them how they’re doing. Because that feels safer. Cleaner. Less of a burden.

But I carry everything. I carry the exhaustion, the hopelessness, the shame. I carry the weight of therapy that’s supposed to help. I’ve been in therapy for over five years. I know why I feel like this. I understand the origins of my pain. But knowing hasn’t set me free.

I still repeat the same choices, still end up in the same place — watching my life from the inside like I’m stuck in a loop. Wanting to do better, to be better. And constantly failing.

It’s hard to explain how deep the loneliness runs. I don’t really have people I can talk to — not fully. I don’t have friends I trust not to leave, and part of me believes it’s because of who I am.

I often think I’m just a bad person pretending to be a good one. Someone who tries to help others, but can’t help herself.

Sometimes, when things were really dark, I used to think about suicide with planning — choosing the “right” day that wouldn’t fall near birthdays or holidays. Trying to protect the people I’d leave behind.

But now?

Now I don’t care about those things anymore. And that’s the part that scares me.

I don’t want attention. I don’t want pity. I just want this pain to stop. I want to stop pretending. I want to stop being trapped in this in-between space — where I’m not okay, but not gone. Where I exist, but don’t live. Where I breathe, but don’t feel like I’m here.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just the truth. And I’ve spent too long keeping it to myself.

#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts

Well, today makes 11 years since we lost dad. One of the best things he ever told me was this…
“Throughout your life people will come in and out of it. Some you will miss terribly and others you will breathe a sigh of relief when they’re gone”
Miss you dad. You’re definitely one I miss terribly. #Grief #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalThoughts