So today is #SuicidePreventionDay .
As I write this on this early morning, as I do on many other days of the week, I think to myself about why I didn’t do it, even though I felt like I wanted to, during so many moments in my life.
The more obvious answer is because a.) there was always some glimmer of hope – however dim it may have been – that the future would be better, and b.) because I know my family would be left in enormous pain. My mom, in particular, would likely be emotionally devastated beyond repair, and I wouldn’t want that.
But when I look back on it, I’m not sure that was all of it. I think part of it, to put it simply, was because I was too afraid.
As I was writing “A Therapy Session with Myself”, and writing a specific scene involving a decision the character based on me ponders, that much was clear to me. I could feel the fear in that character’s emotions, as I was writing him in the first draft, but it took me until then to realize that I myself often felt that same fear once before, and that was a large part of what was holding me back.
To be clear, I was not afraid of dying, necessarily. Rather, I was afraid of dying a miserable death after a short life that likely had little impact or significance on this world. It’s a vicious paradox, if you will: Wanting to have lived a life that had some meaning to it, but not wanting to continue going through the stresses, anxiety, and loneliness that comes with human existence.
Maybe I’m wrong, but my personal perception has always been that there’s not much point in life, if you can no longer find your place and meaning in it…which is exactly what I’ve searching for over the past decade, and is exactly what’s led me to this stage in life.
Thankfully, as I often say, I do feel better about myself than I did, in times past. I don’t always feel great, but I do feel okay. Okay enough, at least, to be able to look back more objectively on how I’ve felt and thought in times past, and to try and raise awareness through my plays and articles for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. When “A Therapy Session with Myself” premieres in January, hopefully that will further help this important discussion, which needs to be happening more in society.