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Every Day, Lately

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan

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THE MIGHTY HAS GIVEN ME A VOICE #Bekind #CPTSD #togetherwecan #Openingup #vulnerability

The Mighty Has Given Me A Voice
I have felt as if, I have been unheard and unseen, my whole life through. I feel like I finally MATTER, to someone, on this earth. The freedom is astounding, but with it, comes great pain. I must warn, as I have already experienced, a hurtful, bully, almost succeed in getting through my thin skin. My life’s wounds are fresh, and yes they hurt; I almost packed up my pen and left. I beg of you, to hear me out, how crucial kindness is, on this, lifesaving site. We must protect this gem of freedom, called “The Mighty!”
The Mighty, gives me, unlimited, thought provoking questions, that I can in turn, inquire of myself. What I learn from my own answers, speaks volumes itself, but more so comes from the comments, soon to follow. The compassion I’m given, which I won’t give to myself, is healing many broken bones. More importantly, I have finally begun, putting ink to paper, allowing those thoughts, feelings, and parts of my life, which remained hidden away, to be touched by the light of the sun. These are the facets of myself, the sun’s light, can start to heal. Exposing the very idea of “secrecy,” as a life draining force itself.
I now beg of you, when I write in prose, be kind, for I’m lying my fresh wounds, out, bare. Please, don’t hurt me, for it’s happened before, and I need you all, to help me, recover. I have CPTSD, and I just opened myself up, to an endless amount of pain, if I’m again attacked, so please be kind, to everyone who puts pen to paper. I will leave you now, but listen up, for I have just learned how to speak…. #Bekind #CPTSD #togetherwecan #Openingup #vulnerability