unheard

I have come a long way in coming to understand what I have been dealing with all my life.

I have done this inspite of unsupportive family, friends and unhealthy romantic relationships. I really tried to trust my therapist as an ally. Someone in my corner who was listening and understood me and my lived experiences.

I’m trying to do all this in the aftermath of my father and cat passing away within weeks of each other. To say my emotions are all over the place a a huge understatement. So having to need my therapist especially to fill out important governmental forms right now is overwhelming.

I life is not fair. I also know I’m not the only one dealing with multiple emotional issues all at the same time. I am someone who has very little support of people available to stand by my side throughout any of this. While I have people who show me compassion and can empathize with me, I am on my own in dealing with this stuff.

I knew when I started to work with my psychodynamic therapist over 5 years ago he was not the right therapist for me, but beggars cannot be chosers. He is a retired medical Dr so is therefore covered by insurance (OHIP). So I already have known I needed to limit my expectations. I thought I could still gain some benefits, but in the last few weeks it has become very clear he is not been my ally.

Last week he stated that he never took my trauma seriously, in his “biased expertise” it was secondary to what “he” thought was more important. He is not even clear what he had decided were his priorities. The reality is that he does not understand trauma and how it can impacts someone. He has training in psychodynamic therapy and continually reinforces that is all he knows and recognizes as being relevant.

I had just stated a trauma group program at a local hospital when I started to see this therapist. The program did not have the resources to supply participants with 1 on 1 therapy so we had to find our own. The main issue that became very apparent was that my therapist did not understand even one thing I was talking about. Unknown to me he was dismissing everything he did not understand and tried to convert everything into his narrow minded perspective of psychodynamic psychotherapy.

I just did not realize how much he was pretty much dismissing any of my new awarenesses and learning about developmental trauma/c-ptsd, somatic sensory psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and any other therapeutic approaches I learned about from that trauma program I took and anything else I learned about and really started to resonate with over the years.

As he was filling out this current governmental forms which has my future held hostage. I’m learning that he does not know what’s he is doing. That he understands very little of what my current official diagnosis are. This person who I have been talking to for 5 years is completely ignorant of me and what’s most relevant to me. This is as traumatizing as how my family treats me.

Today's song of the day is Whalien 52. I tried to be vulnerable with my counselor and she didnt hear the point. I was vulnerable with a loved one and I am waiting anxiously on a reply. I tried to just talk about my interests and my family is too codependent with each other to care what i am talking about or if their lack of attention hurts me. I am singing in a lonely ocean today. I trust my fellow Whaliens here will hear me.
BTS taught me that they were eventually heard too. I hope I can feel that moment when this ocean isn't so lonely anymore.

I couldn’t feel more unheard than when I’m sitting in a hairdresser’s chair and I tell them what they want and I end up with what THEY want anyways. And to top it off I get to PAY for it. #Anxiety #Depression #unheard #unhappy