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    So frustrated, hurt and exhausted #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #developmntalemotionaltrauma #HSP #dimissed #unheard #invisible

    I have come a long way in coming to understand what I have been dealing with all my life.

    I have done this inspite of unsupportive family, friends and unhealthy romantic relationships. I really tried to trust my therapist as an ally. Someone in my corner who was listening and understood me and my lived experiences.

    I’m trying to do all this in the aftermath of my father and cat passing away within weeks of each other. To say my emotions are all over the place a a huge understatement. So having to need my therapist especially to fill out important governmental forms right now is overwhelming.

    I life is not fair. I also know I’m not the only one dealing with multiple emotional issues all at the same time. I am someone who has very little support of people available to stand by my side throughout any of this. While I have people who show me compassion and can empathize with me, I am on my own in dealing with this stuff.

    I knew when I started to work with my psychodynamic therapist over 5 years ago he was not the right therapist for me, but beggars cannot be chosers. He is a retired medical Dr so is therefore covered by insurance (OHIP). So I already have known I needed to limit my expectations. I thought I could still gain some benefits, but in the last few weeks it has become very clear he is not been my ally.

    Last week he stated that he never took my trauma seriously, in his “biased expertise” it was secondary to what “he” thought was more important. He is not even clear what he had decided were his priorities. The reality is that he does not understand trauma and how it can impacts someone. He has training in psychodynamic therapy and continually reinforces that is all he knows and recognizes as being relevant.

    I had just stated a trauma group program at a local hospital when I started to see this therapist. The program did not have the resources to supply participants with 1 on 1 therapy so we had to find our own. The main issue that became very apparent was that my therapist did not understand even one thing I was talking about. Unknown to me he was dismissing everything he did not understand and tried to convert everything into his narrow minded perspective of psychodynamic psychotherapy.

    I just did not realize how much he was pretty much dismissing any of my new awarenesses and learning about developmental trauma/c-ptsd, somatic sensory psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and any other therapeutic approaches I learned about from that trauma program I took and anything else I learned about and really started to resonate with over the years.

    As he was filling out this current governmental forms which has my future held hostage. I’m learning that he does not know what’s he is doing. That he understands very little of what my current official diagnosis are. This person who I have been talking to for 5 years is completely ignorant of me and what’s most relevant to me. This is as traumatizing as how my family treats me.


    Fighting family members during anxiety

    So, I have a lot going on... GAD, PTSD, MDD, PMDD needless to say I am drowning in anxiety most days. But some days are way worse than others, which points to my cycle and PMDD. Oh, also I have endometriosis and both my breast leak... (had diagnostic mamo is was negative)

    During a week or so after I ovulate all my symptoms are elevated and added to them is suicidal ideation and mania. It’s super fun. Last Month I randomly drove across town with my kids to buy a kitten and then checked myself into a mental hospital all in the same afternoon...

    So now we are running a bunch of blood work, I even got the doc to get me a brain MRI.

    I am in therapy twice a week, I see a psychiatrist, working with my gyno, being seen by a breast specialist, seeing a pelvic specialist for possible ovary removal, and working with my primary doc. I am advocating for myself in every way possible, we even made a plan this month that my husbands and parents work schedule could accommodate my anxiety this week. (I am a stay at home mom of two children with lung diseases during covid)...

    I feel like I am running in place and I am
    So so so tired all the time, I sleep everyday. Which is honestly the best feeling thing
    For my body.

    But my mom degrades me and makes me feel guilty for not being able to take care of my kids. Saying “we can’t do this forever, you can’t raise kids like this.” - Yea ya think!?!? That’s why I am asking for help!!! That is why we made a plan!! That is why I am getting all these tests done and taking all these medications and talking to all these people!!!! I can’t make the test results come any faster or my anxiety go away any more that you could make your gallbladder stop hurting when it’s filled with stones...

    I don’t understand why she actively making me feel worse when I’m already down? Why point out that I am struggling, that I’m not being a good mom, that I’m a burden to my family!!!!

    Does anyone else experience this?

    #angry #unheard

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    Whalien 52 (SOTD) #unheard #hurt #self -care #coping #Music

    Today's song of the day is Whalien 52. I tried to be vulnerable with my counselor and she didnt hear the point. I was vulnerable with a loved one and I am waiting anxiously on a reply. I tried to just talk about my interests and my family is too codependent with each other to care what i am talking about or if their lack of attention hurts me. I am singing in a lonely ocean today. I trust my fellow Whaliens here will hear me.
    BTS taught me that they were eventually heard too. I hope I can feel that moment when this ocean isn't so lonely anymore.

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    I couldn’t feel more unheard than when I’m sitting in a hairdresser’s chair and I tell them what they want and I end up with what THEY want anyways. And to top it off I get to PAY for it. #Anxiety #Depression #unheard #unhappy


    I sometimes just feel that I’m not listened to.

    Sometimes I feel when I’m trying to say something that I’m not listened to. Either ignored or dismissed. I speak clearly and I know what I’m saying but it’s like I’m not being heard. Family, friends, at work... yes I’ve always been shy but I find it hard to be heard. #unheard #hearme


    Medical Gaslighting



    #ChronicIllness #medicalgaslighting #dismissed #unheard #Amazing


    Poor Communication, leads to frustration #frustrated

    The hardest part of living I find is not being understood. When you know that your right and have a valid point but it is not understood by the people you are talking to, it may be loved ones, it maybe Dr's. Gov, or even shopworkers. I lose respect for those who do not understand and avoid, if I know they are just going through a routine. Family are worse... when they ask what you want but dont listen and things turn out 2nd rate or impractical. It can be a dark world when it should be plain sailing. Also, not knowing the information for hotels, restaurants holidays, always missing out... oh dear
    #ItsOKMan #Communication #unheard , #missingout