Join the Conversation on
154 people
0 stories
79 posts
Explore Our Newsletters
What's New in weddings

"Old" friends, mental health, and identity

I've been a terrible friend in the past year. I have deliberately not responded to dozens of messages, and deliberately not even opened dozens more. I just got to a point of being so burnt out and overwhelmed that I had no emotional or mental energy to share anymore.

I had a message sitting in my inbox for the last two days and decided to open it tonight. It was from someone I was fairly close to about five years ago. He was letting me know that he and his fiancée were finally reunited in the same country and getting married. The wedding was going to be a few hours from when I opened the message (on the other side of the world) and I was invited to join their celebration via video link.

I didn't.

I started having an anxiety attack thinking about it, thinking about who I am, about who I'm not, about how I have failed and am failing and continue to fail. And anything to do with weddings is a trigger these days, anyway.

I can lie to him and say that it was late and I fell asleep - reasonable enough - but I can't tell him the real reason.

And this is why I keep failing as a friend. Even in these greatest moments of someone's life.

I learned as a child that, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all," and I don't think I've had anything positive to say in years at this point so I've just stopped talking. I can only excuse myself so many times before it just seems that there is none of *me* left, buried under all the apologies. So I stop even making the apologies to release a bit of the weight and I pretend it doesn't matter that I'm missing all the births, deaths, and marriages, because, what do I have to offer anyway?

I'm a shell of myself and I don't think an old friend would even recognize me anymore. Who am I if I'm not even a good friend?

#Relationships #Friendship #Identity #Sorry #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Breakups #Weddings #triggered



Me: Ok today we are practicing for the wedding. If you do a great job I'll get a new video game.
Grandson: Ok I want Plants and Zombies
Me: Nice Job, now remember today was practice. On Sunday you do it again in your fancy clothes. Then we will go to store and get your game.
Grandson: I don't want to go to the wedding. I want my game now.
Me: Well today was practice.
Grandson: If you were a Zombie I would make you disappear.

See full photo

Struggling #Depression #homophobia #Familydrama #ItHurts

My mum has always had a problem with me being gay. There is a lot of history there. She has now ‘turned a corner’ and become a celebrant. She now celebrates love is love.. so now I get to see her posting on Facebook for her business about #gayweddings .. not just #Weddings .. it’s got to be #gayweddings .. because they are so different..

See full photo

Today I gave my daughter away.... #Marriage #Love #Parenting #Weddings #FamilyAndFriends

Yes, you heard me right… today I gave my daughter away. Just to give you the full story, my daughter married the man of her dreams today and I couldn’t be any happier. In the name of full disclosure, I am ugly crying and can’t seem to stop because I selfishly miss her desperately and I know any extended return trips home signifies bad news. I walk in her room and see the things that she has yet to move and I can almost see her there. I lay awake waiting to hear the door open as she quietly comes in at night as to not wake the dog aka the whole house.
Where did the time go?
If I could rewind I would pay attention to every detail and drink in every second that I had her here. I would savor the little girl that was so sweet yet tried my patience at times. But today, I was filled with excitement and bittersweet tears as I watched her walk down the aisle, face beaming, holding the arm of the man I love. I watched the man she loves overflow with emotion as he saw her for the first time in white. I saw love….. I could see myself walking toward the man I love some 26 years ago. I have the advantage of having insight into what is ahead of them. The trials, the hard times, the coming back together, the laughing at inside jokes, the family that they will create…. the memories that they will make.
As much as I miss her laugh and our late night talks, I know she is just beginning a new chapter. I did lose some things in this new chapter of letting go but I have gained a whole new relationship that has graduated from little girl to an amazing young woman. I gained an extended family that has a heart of gold. I gained a son in law that is truly a son. I gained family. So as I think back on the events of the week my heart is full and my prayers have been answered. I have prayed for this man before I knew his name. I wanted the man that would love her and take care of her, lead his family and be her best friend and rock. I know God answered my prayer and I am so blessed.


#Weddings #CheckInWithMe

I'm getting married tomorrow afternoon. My father is not going to be there. He and his wife, not my mother (she passed away this past July), have decided not to attend the occasion. I'm his only child and I'm 33. This is my first marriage. I'm so angry that he and his wife have chosen to go on a Hawaii vacation, FROM ALASKA, instead of being with me. I am having a hard time finding a way past it. Does anyone have any suggestions?