WhyAmIHere

Don’t even know where to start. Cause just thinking about it makes me mad and emotional. I am currently 28. I have a boyfriend. I technically don’t have a job, but he kinda has one that is fair (he is into developing) He has been trough a few well paid jobs in the past 2 years. He has money and he know how to work with his money especially when he has a cred card. We live with his parents. I had to ask my mother to help pay rent while i live here. And It makes me feel so bad. I don’t want a job where it’s 9-5 everyday working for someone. Sure I’ll get paid pretty well then I currently am. I am a self proclaimed artist. Doing customised art for people. (Graphite pencil drawings) it takes like maybe 2 weeks for a drawing to be done. And It clearly isn’t enough in my parents eyes an especially not my bofriends’. He keeps pushing me to get a “real” job. My parents too. They don’t understand that I don’t have that mentality or strength to have a work everyday. For the rest of my life. I have no idea how people stay sane. I couldn’t even fathom how I would deal with it. I know for sure i will in the future off myself. Look, I want to make money. Enough to pay my rent and still be reliable for my self. But it’s hard when yout drawings don’t sell and people aren’t interested. I work my ass off just to finsih one drawing and I don’t get that much for it. I don’t know what to do. My bf told me he will have to end things between us if it keeps going on like this. (We are 4 years together this year) #Depression #Anxiety #moneyproblems #financialproblems #failedartist #failedperson #failedson #Idontbelonghere #WhyAmIHere

I feel like I deserved to get hurt. This is one of those days where I think that I’ll forever be denied love. I feel like I’m very easy to replace. Easy to ignore. Again, I’m faced with the question,” why am I still here?” Who really needs me to stay here? How am I able to help anyone if I feel helpless myself? How can anyone look at me as this strong person when I have days were I no longer want to exist? How can anyone see value in me when I’ve come to hate the so-called “good” parts of myself? I just feel so empty inside. #MentalHealth #Depression #WhyAmIHere

Sometimes, I feel content in my sadness. Sometimes, I’d rather feel numb than to feel everything intensely. Sometimes it’s the other way around. This morning, I kept telling myself that someone abandoned me and that I should just give up on expecting things from people period. Everyone seems to have their reasons for leaving. I personally feel that it’s because they got bored of me, or that they were only around to lead me to think that I could trust them and they told their new friends about me and whatever private information I’ve told them. Or simply because I’ve become unlike able to them after a short time. Either way, everyone wins while I lose another battle where everyone else except me knows who wins. Lately, I’ve been wondering why I’m still alive. I wonder why I still hold on to people who are too busy entertaining other people. Why do I feel like I should die whenever I feel rejected or left behind? I’ve got many questions, and probably two answers. #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #IntenseFeelings #intenseemotions #PeoplePleaser #peopleleave #sometimes #Sadness #numbness to everything #holdingontopeople #reasonstoleave #Catch22 #WhyAmIHere #Rejection

I just told my bf I might be bi and he got upset, regardless of the fact that I told him that it wasn’t going to change anything between us, I just didn’t wanna lie and now he’s mad and ignoring me. How do I handle this?

I want so badly to have a purpose. Some reason for being. A gift I can maybe though not necessarily give to the world, but to at least a few people. Anybody. I have no point. Not a good one. I am used then discarded until needed again. What I can do, means nothing to anyone. That shouldn’t matter, I know. I create what I do, and as long as it makes me happy, that’s all that should matter. Right? But instead I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I like it, it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. Why am I here?
#Depression #purpose #WhyAmIHere