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Imposter Syndrome

Most days I feel like I am an imposter in the chronic illness space. My bloods/xrays are not that ba, but bad enough to show somethings wrong. But then why the pain, fatique, brain fog, blackouts, nerve pain, stiffness. If I'm not that bad, why do I feel miserable? The thought that this can get worse is overbearing! I look normal, I'm generally a helpful, talkative, able human being. So I feel like an imposter. I feel like I am not sick enough and don't belong. I have to fight to get heard by my docters, my friends and family don't understand. I'm tired of explaining. I now know that I don't absorb medications, THIS SUCKS! All I want is to be pain free, have energy, sparkle and enjoy my life. I'm in limbo as I can do neither whole heartedly. I am not deathly ill, neither am I capable to have a normal everyday life without the constant reminder this is hard, this is painful, this is exhausting. So yes, I feel like an imposter.

Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly greatful for the things I can do and that I am not gravely ill. I am so incredibly thankful that I am not as bad off as a lot of people on this platform. All I want is for my current symptoms to be treated so I can continue with a normal life.

So yes I have imposter syndrome and I don't know how to overcome that! Not healthy enough to belong, not ill enough either!

#ImposterSyndrome #PsoriaticArthritis #Spondyloarthritis #nervepain #ChronicDepression #PTSD #CPTSD #generalizedanxiety #InappropriateSinusTachycardia #AutonomicDysfunction #atrialfibrillation #costochondritus #discbulges #JointHypermobilitySyndrome

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LIVING WITH #atrialfibrillation

I try to stay positive about my heart, but it is hard sometimes, wondering when the next episode of Rapid Afib will cause my stroke. It is inevitable really.
I'm on so many meds for blood pressure, one to slow my heart down, another to counteract that ones affect of dropping my pressure to low, a water pill, blood thinner, and a bunch of other meds for chronic pain, depression, panic attacks, sleep, Lupus.
I can't help but wonder what these are doing to my liver?? I do take Milk Thistle, my doctor said it cleanses the liver.
A month and a half ago, I was in the hospital for rapid Afib for 11 days. My heart rate was up to 180. They finally found the right cocktail of meds to control my heartbeat, but I still get Afib once in a while. That will never go away.
So this is what the rest of my life will be, I'm 68 so I don't have that much time left.
This is the time of my life that I thought my husband and I would be enjoying retirement, we've been married 50 years in September. Oh well, I am at least grateful for my husband, he understands and takes care of me.
I just feel bad our dreams fell apart.
He's all I have now, my parents, sisters, Aunts, and Uncles are gone. It's not fun being the youngest in the family, watching everyone go.
Sorry for rambling on, it's just that I have no one to talk to anymore.


1 comment

#atrialfibrillation # Fearofwharcomesnext

I have my echo tomorrow and get all my results from all my tests I have had done on Friday. I feel so alone, I am afraid to have someone go with me. I have friends who are nurses but am afraid of being judged by them.I have been a cardiac/ open heart/ icu nurse for 35 years. I feel like I some how caused this to happen to myself. Just another stupid mistake.

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