Body Dysmorphic Disorder

My disorders are so much worse when I’m in a relationship and I don’t know how much longer I can cope 😓
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#BodyDysmorphia

My disorders are so much worse when I’m in a relationship and I don’t know how much longer I can cope 😓
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#BodyDysmorphia

I have tried so hard to overcome this on my own but it is only getting worse.

I hate my body. Not just the look but the feel. Not only am I constantly in pain but I am just ugly. I am gaining so much weight. I don’t recognize myself.

Why can’t I lose this weight? Why am I stuck like this? I don’t want to see my body. I especially don’t want my boyfriend to see my body. He doesn’t think I’ve changed physically but I see it.

I see how big I am. I see how disgusting I look. I am thinking of enabling my eating disorder so I can stop hating myself. I just want to stop hating my body.

I have tried so hard to overcome this on my own but it is only getting worse.

I hate my body. Not just the look but the feel. Not only am I constantly in pain but I am just ugly. I am gaining so much weight. I don’t recognize myself.

Why can’t I lose this weight? Why am I stuck like this? I don’t want to see my body. I especially don’t want my boyfriend to see my body. He doesn’t think I’ve changed physically but I see it.

I see how big I am. I see how disgusting I look. I am thinking of enabling my eating disorder so I can stop hating myself. I just want to stop hating my body.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #EatingDisorders #Schizophrenia

Hi, my name is Sarahlc910. I'm here because

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Migraine #PTSD #ADHD #EatingDisorder #OCD #Grief #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #PanicDisorder #Agoraphobia #TraumaticBrainInjury

Part 1 of 2 In the summer of 2022, my husband and I finally had our wedding celebration after postponing it 3 times due to Covid. In early 2020, we had a priest come to my family home to marry us as my visa was to expire later that year and with the uncertainty of the pandemic we didn’t want to take any chances with an expired visa. The small ceremony in my mom’s living room was beautiful, really. My two dogs served as maid of honour and best man and Zak Bagans from Ghost Adventures served as the cantor (we forgot to turn off the television as the priest blessed our marriage). I wore a short white dress and my soon to be husband wore his nice navy suit and there we got married in my living room followed with a cake cutting in the kitchen next door. The experience was nearly perfect and would’ve been if my husband’s family would’ve been able to travel to the US, but Trump’s travel ban stopped that from happening. As well as this, my sister who I am extremely close to was trapped in Chicago and was only able to attend, Nike track suit on, over Zoom. We were therefore excited for the wedding celebration where families and friends could finally meet and we could finally party and let loose after years of being stuck indoors.

The wedding celebration was an absolute success. Family and friends came over to Scotland from near and far and all had an absolute blast, primarily due to the whiskey tasting that subsequently got all the guests plastered. We made so many happy memories I will cherish forever and have beautiful photos to last a lifetime. And yet, there was a sense of emptiness in me all day. Every dance and every speech and every toast reminded me of him. There was no dad walking the bride down the aisle or father daughter dance. Not because he’s dead. No, because he abandoned us.

My father abandoned me and my sister and brother years ago and as much as I try to erase that part of my past it haunts me. I did nothing wrong and yet I’m the one left to feel guilty and ashamed because my dad isn’t in my life. It’s a lingering feeling and one that I do not wish on my worst enemy (except, possibly, my father). How a father could leave his children and start a whole new family is beyond comprehension to anyone I meet and yet this happens all across the world, every single day. And it feels he’s getting away with the damage he caused, leaving my sister, brother, and me with mental health issues ranging from depression to body dysmorphia to OCD. We feel less than and unloved on the best of days and are currently in therapy receiving treatment for the damage he caused.

This is in no way a letter pitying my situation, but rather a reflection of how abandonment will follow you throughout your life and will rear its ugly head on the best occasions of your life. I can only imagine how I will feel on the day my first child is born. And yet it is okay to feel sadness on those perfect days. I still had an amazing time at my wedding celebration because I accepted and embraced these sad feelings. I allowed myself to feel the whole day and experience a range of emotions that left me exhausted by the end of the day yes, but I was my authentic self the whole day. And this was an achievement for me. I didn’t allow these sad feelings to take over the whole day but rather I welcomed them and let go as happy moments and laughter and dancing and singing filled the air around me.

We as a society should embrace this attitude, especially when it comes to weddings. Many couples feel the day has to be perfect and nothing can go wrong or the whole day is ruined. You feel you have to live up to a certain standard and be your best happy holly jolly self the whole day. This leaves the couple feeling like they have to prove themselves. To who? For what? I cried during my whole speech and brought up my father, not knowing how the guests would react. And I am so glad for it. I had so many guests come up to me and tell me my speech brought them to tears and it was so powerful and emotional and honest. Yeah my makeup was messed up after but god am I glad I didn’t think or care about that. And the celebration in my eyes was an absolute dream.

I hope women and men reading this who may have been emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually abused know that they may experience flashbacks or fear or sadness or despair on their wedding day, and that’s okay. Accept these feelings and embrace them wholeheartedly and allow yourself to feel every emotion possible in that moment because that will create the most authentic and genuine day possible for yourselves. And know that you deserve this day of celebration despite everything you have been through. The wedding celebration felt overwhelming at times and invigorating at times and depressing at times and exciting at times and empty at times and that’s what made the day so