To fit, to shrink, to fold, to blossom
There is at least a 100 pound difference between my weight today and the weight I used to be. But the biggest difference is my level of satisfaction in my life, my acceptance of myself, and my ability to feel and find joy.
I think back to all the times I bribed myself with dresses that were too small, that if I could lose weight I'd fit into them and feel happy.
Maybe it worked, making myself feel awful, and starving myself just to fit into a dress that was a size I thought meant acceptance and beauty and happiness. But it was unsustainable. And it would never actually bring me those things I'd hoped for.
I feel way more beautiful, accepted, and happy now at this weight than I could have ever imagined when I was thin. I'm okay with my body for probably the first time in adulthood.
I thought I felt it even then, a sense of happiness, when I reached my goals to be thinner, when I fit into all those dresses, when I kept getting smaller. I thought that was self acceptance.
But the joy of getting there never stuck and I just wanted more. My body dysmorphia was so intense. I just kept believing I was so much heavier than I was, and hating myself for that and wanting to shrink.
It was such a conditional love I gave to myself, if you could even call it love at all. I punished myself for being me, and rewarded myself for being who I thought I needed to be in order to fit. I never would have dreamed that I could feel so comfortable in my body, but particularly at the weight I am now.
I have learned to accept myself and care about more important things in my life.
An eating disorder is about control and coping, but it's also about how you look and your fear of stepping out of that approved version of yourself into something unknown.
I'm so proud of myself for getting rid of all those clothes I was hoarding thinking one day I will fit into them again. Clothes that to fit into again I would have to be unhealthy. Clothes that I was associating with this version of myself I knew I could never be again but longed for because I felt inadequate compared to her.
#eatingdisorder #bulimianervosa #bodydysmorphia #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #eatingdisorderrecovery #anxiety #bodydysmorphicdisorder