Body Dysmorphic Disorder

There is at least a 100 pound difference between my weight today and the weight I used to be. But the biggest difference is my level of satisfaction in my life, my acceptance of myself, and my ability to feel and find joy.
I think back to all the times I bribed myself with dresses that were too small, that if I could lose weight I'd fit into them and feel happy.
Maybe it worked, making myself feel awful, and starving myself just to fit into a dress that was a size I thought meant acceptance and beauty and happiness. But it was unsustainable. And it would never actually bring me those things I'd hoped for.
I feel way more beautiful, accepted, and happy now at this weight than I could have ever imagined when I was thin. I'm okay with my body for probably the first time in adulthood.
I thought I felt it even then, a sense of happiness, when I reached my goals to be thinner, when I fit into all those dresses, when I kept getting smaller. I thought that was self acceptance.
But the joy of getting there never stuck and I just wanted more. My body dysmorphia was so intense. I just kept believing I was so much heavier than I was, and hating myself for that and wanting to shrink.
It was such a conditional love I gave to myself, if you could even call it love at all. I punished myself for being me, and rewarded myself for being who I thought I needed to be in order to fit. I never would have dreamed that I could feel so comfortable in my body, but particularly at the weight I am now.
I have learned to accept myself and care about more important things in my life.
An eating disorder is about control and coping, but it's also about how you look and your fear of stepping out of that approved version of yourself into something unknown.
I'm so proud of myself for getting rid of all those clothes I was hoarding thinking one day I will fit into them again. Clothes that to fit into again I would have to be unhealthy. Clothes that I was associating with this version of myself I knew I could never be again but longed for because I felt inadequate compared to her.
#eatingdisorder #bulimianervosa #bodydysmorphia #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #eatingdisorderrecovery #anxiety #bodydysmorphicdisorder

Did you know that your skin is your largest organ?

There are an estimated 3,000 identified health conditions that primarily affect the skin, and countless other conditions that involve dermatological manifestations.

Because the outer layer of our skin is just that — on the outside — skin conditions or skin that falls outside the “norm” can feel like it’s under more public scrutiny than some other physical and mental conditions. We’re also bombarded with advertisements for makeup and skin care that are supposed to fix all of our “flaws,” but really just drain our pockets.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with my skin since around age 10. Acne (yep, I had it as a preteen and it’s gotten even worse in adulthood), easy bruising and skin fragility, the odd case of hives here and there, constant irritation, and repeated skin infections have caused me to be quite self-conscious about the appearance of my skin. I’m working toward having a more neutral relationship with my skin, rather than viewing it as a source of constant shame.

How do you feel about your skin?

#Psoriasis #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Eczema #Acne #RareDisease #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #MastCellActivationDisorder

Two weeks ago, I weighed 203.5 pounds. Today, I weigh 191. Semaglutide shots are working for me, and I should be happy about that. However, I still look in the mirror and see a fat face. I don’t see progress. In my mind, I’m still the 125 pound 26-year-old that I used to be. It kills me to see the flabby cheeks and two chins that I’m currently rocking. My stomach protrudes. My thighs rub together. My arms wobble. I exercise and I eat right and I’m still fat. I’m still morbidly obese c-type. I’m angry and I dislike myself and my body.

I’m also over this body dysmorphia garbage. I’m not healthy. I’m not happy. This isn’t dysmorphia, it’s an unhealthy body that needs to be fixed.

My obesity also causes other aspects of my life to go wonky… work? Harder. Friendships? Harder. Being an aunt? Harder. Being a good sister? Harder. Being a good dog mom? Harder.

Per usual, not looking for advice. Just a safe space to vent and feel heard.

Thanks 💗

Please enjoy the picture of my delicious, homemade salted caramel macarons. Reason 973 for my obesity—I love baking.