BORDERLINEPROBLEMS

Hi. I was diagnosed with BPD around 5 years ago. Once I was diagnosed I was shortly after diagnosed non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. In the 4 years I have received 8 rounds of chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. I have been in remission for 13 months now.
My parents have been the one that helped me get to appointments, took care of me if my BPD started showing it’s ugly head. I know I should be happy I have beat cancer for now but my BPD won’t let me. Ever since I was told I was in remission I have not felt a single iota of happiness. If I’m being honest I have not had a happy moment since I was diagnosed with cancer.
I’ve been struggling for a long time. But last week I hit the lowest I’ve ever gone in my 41 years. My parents explained to me that they could only help me a bit with appointments. I fell apart. I didn’t understand. I felt rejected. I felt like I did something wrong.
Then I realized I had no one to ask to help me. I have no partner, or kids and no close friends. Almost all my family I have hurt so bad they have cut me out of their lives. As well as every close friend I had. I thought if I have no one to help me how am I going to make it to appointments or my immunosuppressant treatments and the millions of other things I had to do. I would have to stop my treatments. My cancer would come back. If I lost my parents I’d have nothing.
For the first time all the negative thoughts like “I’m alone” “no one cares” “I’m unwanted “. They were all proven to me they were true which was my greatest fear in my life!
Last Wednesday is when this all happened. I reached out to 3 friends I thought could help and my one sister, one aunt and my parents. Out of all of them one person contacted me back and he tried so hard to help but he just couldn’t understand! He didn’t get it. My life was over. My parents returned my texts but they were so burnt out from help me in the past couple days.
So Wednesday night I decided. I had made attempts before. Probably around 10 and it was always the same. When I really thought about it I would take tons of pills not to die but to sleep, to have a moment of peace, to scream for someone to help me. But Wednesday this was not the case. I did not want help anymore. I didn’t not just want to sleep. I wanted to die. To finally give up and have peace. To stop hurting everyone around me.
That evening I took enough hydromorphone to kill me 2 times over. And what happened? I woke up. I was so disappointed. I couldn’t even do this right!! I reached out to my parents again and since Thursday I’ve been staying with them.
But that feeling has not gone away. I don’t know if it’s all the chemo or my BOD but I’m finding out things in the past 4 years that I’ve done to people and I don’t even remember doing them. I’m so scared. Please help me. Tell me what to do!
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS #Cancer #Suicide #helpme

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

How is everyone dealing with therapy on zoom?

My therapist of 2 and a half years left in October to start her own private practice. I have gone on with two different replacements so far and I feel like the second one doesn’t have enough experience for me. I find myself holding back a lot because I often feel angry after a session with her on the deeper issues. I was told by my clinic their is no one else. I use to look forward to therapy and now I want to change it because I hate it. I currently go once a week and I am thinking of asking for every other week. Just feeling very up and down lately like an old wooden rollercoaster. #BPD #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS

I just got started on a nee medication called abilify for short, its a anti-psycotic its for my borderline and ocd. I am wondering if anyone else has tried and can give me a review? So far its been weird for me (usually meds are).. i get tummy sick even on half doses and i almost always end up in either a euphoria or a disconnected overall feeling. This one has me being able to go back and forth between euphoria and disassociated. Ives only been on it for a week, so still waitingout the first symptoms that might pass. Like being hungry but not being able to finish anything or even half of anything like not even a fucking taco man.. #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS

Water and then mouth wash twice am I ok? What can I do to cope with my anxiety and fear better?#PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #Disability #GADsucks #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Depression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #HashimotosThyroiditis #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #CheckInWithMe #DistractMe #52SmallThings #checkin #MightyQuestions #MightyMail #MightyTogether #MightyQuotes #TheMightyTakeaway #MightyBookClub #mightywarriors #Spoonie #Aspergers #AspergersSyndrome #checkinonme #Bipolar2Disorder #Love #Friends #Hugs #Yoga #PinchedNerve #PhysicalTherapy #distraction #lonely #Fibromyalgia #Fibromyaliga #Aspie #Aspies #Selfcompassion #Selflove #Upallnight #Arts #ArtTherapy #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #OCDoutofcontrol #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlineStigma #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS #ADHD #Acceptance #ModernLove

So I found a chat community that's been pretty healthy for me. There are firm rules about boundaries and behaviors towards each other and everyone's generally friendly. The issue is that I had been chatting with someone quite a bit and them having being abused by someone with my diagnosis came up. I'm constantly worried about manipulating people without thinking about it or doing something that's perceived that way. At the same time people really try to pathologize me when they find out so I treat the diagnosis as need to know. I didn't feel right talking to someone that had been hurt in that way while keeping it a secret so I shared the truth and where I'm at in treatment privately. They had a friendly chat wit me about it, applauded me for all the work I've been doing to change, but I haven't really chatted with anyone since. I've posted a few times in chat but I'm so worried that I lost out on chatting with someone I really liked talking to over it that I keep reading into how quickly people respond and whether it's directed at me as proof that everyone knows now and they're grey rocking me to get rid of the psycho.

ready to go to the farmers market later on what’s everyone up to today? #PTSD #CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2Disorder #bipolar2depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS #BorderlineStigma #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Fibromyaliga #Fibromyalgia #FibromyalgiaDiagnosis #CheckInWithMe #Flareup #Upallnight #SocialAnxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #fibroflare #lonely #sad #Art #Yoga #PinchedNerve #Prayer #Faith #god #Religion #inthistogether #Photography #Disability #Depression

night because of his cigarette smoke I have asthma and chronic bronchitis now I have wheezing in my lungs and congestion because of him. I did breathing treatment this morning and took a very hot shower still no relief any ideas what I can do I called my drs office to have appointment at noon over phone how can I take care of myself today how do I get better? Doxycycline for sinus infection on last dose tonight?? #PTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #CPTSD #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2Disorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlineStigma #BORDERLINEPROBLEMS #AspergersSyndrome #Aspergers #ChronicIllness #HashimotosThyroiditis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #ADHD #CheckInWithMe #DatingWithAChronicIllness #Upallnight #MightyQuestions #TheMightyTakeaway #Mightyfamily #MightyBookClub #Photography #Art #Friends #Hugs #Love #Poetry #Journaling #diet #GradedExerciseTherapy #lonely #sad #ButYouDontLookSick #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #ChronicIllnessStigma #Stigma #MentalHealthStigma #Activism #notalone #Selfcare #Selflove #Volunteer #Reading #COVID19 #wearamask

How should you feel ?

there is suddenly someone who tries to empathize, who knows what you’re going through and that’s when you start to feel a little less lonely ,you feel that now that someone will understand ,you won’t have to cry alone in pain ,but then there is a sudden realization that the person is gone the person no longer understands he never did and you feel as empty and as hollow as you ever did and you no longer know how to feel because you still have no one.