The Silent Horror Show - What it’s like to live with Trauma induced Panic Attacks
Here we go, an impulsive seemingly random dreaded wave of panic washes over me.
What is it this time? What triggered the sudden rush of adrenaline? I was feeling so good today!?!? No time to process or identify the trigger; I have to prepare for the tsunami I feel building up inside of me.
Great, another "episode" to interrupt my day; both mental paralysis and odd bodily sensations show up pumping massive quantities of adrenaline through every vein in my body sending me into a state of panic and confusion because the world around me hasn’t changed, yet I feel like I’m about to be attacked by what!!? The dining room chair?!??
The unwelcomed duo have now fully arrived and the horror show will begin within seconds silently engulfing all of me with its insidious fangs as the world around me keeps carrying on. I grow quiet and turn inward as my mind is always the first participant to be tortured behind the invisible curtains from the people around me.
It's time. I prepare to fully surrender and get comfortable with the uncomfortable; to “let go” and "float" so I can get through this internal nightmare labeled “Panic Attack” quickly without anyone noticing. The psyche is always the first to be victimized into the trance of corrupted narratives stuck in a persistent loop of false reality. The words on repeat telling me I am going insane and will drop dead from a heart attack, stroke, seizure or brain aneurysm.
How can this just be all in my head!?!! The terrifying catastrophic thoughts triggering such mental anguish and fear!?!? The bizarre unsettling physical symptoms so intense you fight every urge to not run out of the room screaming like a lunatic, or even worse, call 911 because your mind has literally made up its mind that the Grim Reaper is the next guest to show up. Oh, and then there’s the compulsion to whip out your phone frantically researching DR. GOOGLE’s online medical records so you can really convince yourself that the tingling hands and feet is a confirmation that you now have a neurological disorder.
No matter how many hundreds, actually probably closer to thousands, of full blown panic attacks I’ve experienced in the last 20+ years of my life; my brain refuses to believe we’re going to be okay. Every single time the thoughts race around my head like a dog chasing its tail; exerting energy and getting nowhere.
I whisper to myself “Please don’t let me lose my mind or die this time.” At this point, I am just waiting for the day when permanent insanity joins the dynamic duo of mental paralysis and bodily sensations become the three musketeers, the ring leaders of the horror show.
The intensity increases rapidly as it pulls me into a dissociative state of terror like a riptide's tumultuous force dragging you out to the depths of the dark sea.
Great, another “episode”….. My body is extremely tense, my chest is tight, my limbs are wobbly and trembling, my breathing is labored from the rapid inhalation of hyperventilation resembling what feels like drowning in air.
I obsessively start mentally scanning my body frantically checking in on every little sensation of anything that could resemble a heart attack. "This is it. It has to be!" My inner dialogue intensifies growing louder with each overly drawn breathe. #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicAttacks