Cancer

Do you know that feeling of... well, nothing?
When everything - every memory, every feeling - is just so much that you shut down?

When you want to cry, but you can't?

Having that feeling right now.
I woke up to a dream of miscarriage.
I've lost what could have been my first child because I was forced to have an abortion by someone I thought I knew prior, but who raped me and then did this on top of it.
Worst thing is that as much as this child was a product of rape, I never wanted to kill any child of mine by abortion.
Because it was not at fault for what had happened. And yet I ended its life through taking two pills. I even caught it when it came out and buried it in my backyard.

I was so alone through all of this. My family still doesn't know a thing and I'm scared to tell them. Because - hey, life sucks sometimes - my father was diagnosed with uncurable cancer two months prior to the rape and then died at the end of last year too. A year prior both my last grandparents died. And before and in between so much death of my animals, I can't start to list it here.

In addition to that, I will have to take a leadership role in an organization I am in and just feel very inadequate and as if everyone else would be a better qualified fit than me. And I'll have to take an exam to qualify myself further in a completely unrelated area soon. But in addition to not feeling secure in how to talk correctly in the exam, I got so many negative comments about things I did wrong while practicing.

I'm really questioning if I am worth anything and if I should even attempt the exam and that role. It's like I'm destined to fail.

And somehow I'm just subconciously waiting for the next shit to turn up and destroy me all over again. Sometimes I'm just tired.

#Grief #Miscarriage #Cancers #Trauma #PTSD #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth

Do you know that feeling of... well, nothing?
When everything - every memory, every feeling - is just so much that you shut down?

When you want to cry, but you can't?

Having that feeling right now.
I woke up to a dream of miscarriage.
I've lost what could have been my first child because I was forced to have an abortion by someone I thought I knew prior, but who raped me and then did this on top of it.
Worst thing is that as much as this child was a product of rape, I never wanted to kill any child of mine by abortion.
Because it was not at fault for what had happened. And yet I ended its life through taking two pills. I even caught it when it came out and buried it in my backyard.

I was so alone through all of this. My family still doesn't know a thing and I'm scared to tell them. Because - hey, life sucks sometimes - my father was diagnosed with uncurable cancer two months prior to the rape and then died at the end of last year too. A year prior both my last grandparents died. And before and in between so much death of my animals, I can't start to list it here.

In addition to that, I will have to take a leadership role in an organization I am in and just feel very inadequate and as if everyone else would be a better qualified fit than me. And I'll have to take an exam to qualify myself further in a completely unrelated area soon. But in addition to not feeling secure in how to talk correctly in the exam, I got so many negative comments about things I did wrong while practicing.

I'm really questioning if I am worth anything and if I should even attempt the exam and that role. It's like I'm destined to fail.

And somehow I'm just subconciously waiting for the next shit to turn up and destroy me all over again. Sometimes I'm just tired.

#Grief #Miscarriage #Cancers #Trauma #PTSD #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth

Hi,

It’s been almost 3 years since I wrote here, my old bio introduced me as 18 and still in high school haha.

Just a little update since then, I’m turning 21 this year and was able to graduate high school without a GED or anything like that. I overcame my agoraphobia and now enjoy going on walks. My truancy got a lot better towards the end of my senior year, being able to go a week without skipping. And my sleep schedule is back on track with the occasional staying up till 1am but still waking up at 9-10am even on the weekends.

Things are definitely a lot better since high school and since I was last on here but there is a reason why I’m here again. To be honest my therapist of about 7 years moved to a different state. I’ve been talking with a different therapist for about 3 months now but I’m having a really hard time adjusting. It feels like a lot is going on and i lost my only crutch.

Last month my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. She’s been on chemo since then and seeing her has been really tough. I’ve also been stressed because my grandma raises my 4 cousins. My uncles helped her write her will just in case anything happens but haven’t really come up with any good ways to take in my 4 cousins. My cousins told me that they’re going to get split up, my uncle want to take the second youngest because he has a disability that gets him money every month to whoever takes care of him. My cousins don’t have anyone else so i decided to get an apartment through section 8 like my mom did so i can keep everyone together but it’s been really stressful. It feels like at least every other day i get extremely stressed thinking about how this is all going to work. Lately it’s even starting to feel like I’ve been worrying over nothing..

So.. here’s the thing.

I planned to get an apartment for my 4 cousins and I or (depending on the elder cousins’s situation in the future) I get us 2 apartments, one for the eldest cousin and the other for myself and we’d just trade off the three younger cousins when we need some space. We’d both (or I) have to apply for section 8 and work jobs and we’d both (or I) have to apply for food stamps. Things would get complicated with balancing bills, dropping the kids off at school (depending on where we live), going to college and work. To be honest if this all works out I might not be able to go to college right away..

However things might be easier than i thought, I realized i’ve been trying to take this all on at once when in reality my grandma’s house will still be there. In fact, my uncles wrote my older cousin and I down as the owners of her house in her will. That means everything is okay right?

I can help my older cousin apply for food stamps so everyone can still get food and the house has been paid off for a long time now so anything like rent or a mortgage isn’t an issue. Bills will still need to get paid but maybe i can figure something out for that. Maybe there’s a government program like section 8 or something? Or my uncles maybe?

Honestly I don’t know what to think anymore. I haven’t really talked about any of this with my cousins yet but i will soon hopefully. They’ve been busy so it’s been hard to be able to talk to them about this. Plus, even though it’s been 3 years since i was last on the Mighty Im still really bad at talking to people about my problems and concerns. Im a bit better now but not anything really noticeable. I guess I’ll just keep trying though.

If you read all of this thank you, you didn’t have to but you did. It means a lot to have someone read this. Thank you so much!