Ok so… I don’t really want to avoid saying stuff in a place meant to be safe but I am tired to the bone.
It’s February 26th, that means the year had only 57 days so far, and it’s effing crazy! I do something, I think I can stop and breathe then no, the gods hate me and throw something new at me.
My retina is dying, I’m exhausted, I’m depressed. I just can’t take having so much medical appointments and phone calls to do, and yet I have to do them. Trying to get as much as I can through WhatsApp from the clinics I attend, but some are only phone or basically having to go in person. And I have some points to make about this ordeal.
Also, accessibility is being ignored basically, and I’m not like in the USA where they’re actively harming ADA and DEI, I’m in effing Brazil but due to a lot of international relations stuff to be done, if you don’t know Brazil is basically on the leadership of the movement for the independence of the World’s South. But then the things I and many other citizenships have to face daily are basically abandoned, and it’s even more crappy when it comes to my State, that is with a disgusting governor that is basically screwing all the progress we had from education to social morals so far. It’s just exhausting. And this year are presidential elections over here so yay, let’s have another fierce fight against extreme right facists, anyway,
I think I finally can with more agency understand my mum, because when I was a baby and she discovered I had congenital cataracts, absolutely nobody was there to support her, she was my age with a me baby, going everywhere just to get me to have surgery and be able to live a sighted life. And now I’m basically facing the same, with the exception that I have some support from, you guessed, my mum. But she can only go so far as to help financially mostly because I’m an adult, so I have to make the phone calls, look for resources, adapt my day-to-day life and basically deal with it and kind of suck it up. Because acconrding with my grandma I have no motive to cry, when I was crying out of despair because I’m getting blind and I held composure for too much time and I just broke when I was home.
Is anyone actively invested on my life? Well, only the surface stuff and expectations I’ve always had to deal with. Be the perfect student, be the perfect adult, study my ass off to be able to get a job, etc. my grandma can’t even grasp that I’m only in university because of the effing paper/degree, because it teaches me nothing actually useful, everything I have to learn I have to do it by myself, and she can’t understand it, and look, she’s not an old senile stereotyped grandma, she’s tough as a rock and stubborn as a mule. If I’m at an external course, she always asks if it’s with uni, and when I say no for the hundredth of time she asks “what about uni?” And I’m like “I don’t give an eff about uni, I only do what’s required, get a good grade and forget about it for the rest of the semester” .
Anyway again.
I’m so frustrated honestly, not only because my blindness, my difficulty with being autistic in a society that’s not empathetic. But basically society in general! I’ve been to a wonderful place in January and met wonderful people, when it was over i came back to real world, and it sucks! People have no empathy, people disguise empathy on fundraisers for public image, and I was able to see it behind the curtains. People have no interest on important stuff, people are basically choosing ignorance and that make them stupid. People have no more critical thinking. And that’s frustrating. For me the world feels like having to play dull because rarely will I find someone I can have a conversation on topics I’m more interested in, and a very ungrateful place to be in, because I invest emotionally on people just for them to not be reciprocal and it’s not a “oh my date turned me down”, it’s basically being the one reaching out to no avail, or being reached out by others only when they need my help.
I am tired.
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