Mom. She's that miraculous creature who gave birth to... Us all. She's suppose to have all the answers; fix anything.
I never had one. She gave birth to me then decided I wasn't worth it. But she liked me as her personal punching bag. I was her excuse for all her problems and failures. When she got sick from cancer, I was responsible for taking care of her. I was 11. She died before my 12th birthday. She despised me but I stupidly kept wanting her love and approval.
After she passed my role was mother. Make sure my half-brother and I had food. Sometimes that included stealing from a drunken stepfather who could care less if we died. Eventually I took over writing the checks, forging his signature to pay bills as long as he put money in the bank. Till one day that stopped too. I was a failure according to my mom and then I finally felt like one. I was homeless at 17; so in a way I was lucky. Had some friends I could stay with till I was legal.
At 18 my life began and I left my brother to his father. So mine began and his.... Went to hell.
I'll be 40 in August. I have 4 children. A marriage on the rocks and my broken brother lives with us now. Then there is Covid-19.
I am soo tired of holding up the world for everyone else when I'm soo broken. I keep glueing every chipped piece back in place while it crumbles above my head. In the middle of trying to keep my marriage working my husband got kicked from our health plan. No more antidepressants, no more anxiety meds, no more antipsychotics. Took me 2 months to ease myself off my meds. Been taking them for 4 years. All while balancing my families world above me. Now on top of being super mom; i dont sleep again. I'm just soo tired... Emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm trying so hard.
(No Im not suicidal. Not gonna harm my family. I might just walk away and not stop but not gonna harm them. Just tired of those questions.)
#Parenting a child with special needs