I Am So Stupid
Last Wednesday when I went to the ranch to fill bags with pellets for my horse; I discovered the ranch owner forgot to feed my horse in the morning. I totally lost it right in front of three other boarders. I had been having a bad day anyway and discovering the horse hadn’t eaten all day was the straw that that broke the camel’s back. Anyway I believe the other boarders told the ranch owner about my over-reaction and now she hasn’t been very happy with me since then. I am so ashamed of myself, embarrassed, and remorseful for my lapse in judgement. I feel like I owe them all apologies now. I was miserable all day with anxiety and worry over this mess I made. Now I am paralyzed with fear over this mess and scared that the ranch owner won’t like me anymore and it kills me because I adore her and really want to be good friends with her and the other boarders will think less of me. I also know that the boarders and maybe even the ranch owner don’t fully understand me because of my Autism, Severe Depression, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Dyspraxia. I do have a hard time controlling my emotions as a result of the above diagnoses. I feel guilt and remorse when my emotions get the best of me. I am so broken over all of this that I feel like I deserve to stay in my isolated non-existence because I can’t socialize properly anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is to feel accepted, understood, and loved. I don’t know what to do. However I am going to write them each an apology letter. I just don’t know if I should reveal my disabilities or if it’s going to sound like I am using them as an excuse for my actions. Thank you all for reading this. Any and all advice and suggestions are greatly appreciated. #Autism #ADHD #Depression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Dyspraxia