EmotionalRollercoaster

To my veteran, the man of my dreams, the love of my life 🥺💕

If you've seen my previous posts you'll start to notice this is a trilogy 🤣

The gulf war veteran who freed my heart from heartbreak with the truth. And accidentally fell in love with me😳

I was still coming to terms with the fact I had been lied to by some loser with stolen valor (as you'll see in my previous posts).

You were still hurting over the godawful breakup you just had a few weeks ago.

We were just two broken souls looking for peace.
Never did we expect life to lead us to where we are now.

You came to pick me up so we could hang out at your place. I could see the presence of depression in your environment which made you nervous but having been there myself It did not even phase me. You were polite and funny, a complete gentleman. And we talked for hours about our history our trauma and our lives. I enjoyed your presence so much I didn't wanna leave and I began to stay the night. You resected my space and boundaries and made me feel safe. But sheeesh I did not expect you to confess your love for me on the THIRD DAY. After all didn't I just go through a situation like this?? I'm not going to lie I was absolutely terrified. But you respected the fact I would need time. We continued to spend every day together and my own feelings of love started to develop.
And I eventually said I love you back✨

Tho it's not that simple. But is Love ever simple?

You sat me down and explained in great detail that after your ten years in Iraq, you are suffering from PTSD (but actually you weren't lying to me like SOMEONE I KNEW) and had %100 disability from it. And that if I wasn't comfortable with having a partner with this mental disability I was free to walk away with no hard feelings. And I looked you in your eyes and said I choose you. As long as you truly love me I will stay by your side.

The time came when your symptoms started piercing through your mask of “normal”. You tried to combat it with alcohol and smoking with little result. But I stayed by your side, I gave you words of encouragement and love when you felt like your body’s nerves were on fire. I reassured you of my love when you were afraid I would leave you or hurt you for you had such Horrible horrible past relationship experiences. Finally, I had a place to put all my empathy, love, and understanding not only that but to receive it in return.

But it wasn't all smooth sailing from there. I randomly started to change I began to feel anxiety I began to be irritable for no reason my body ached and I couldn't handle alcohol or vaping anymore. I began to throw up and became so exhausted all the time. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I felt overwhelmed I didn't mean to snap at you because I was irritable I didn't know why I was starting to change.💔

I was pregnant😳

Holy shit I was pregnant. Everything made sense🤣. You were over the hills excited and I was scared as hell🙃. Was I ready to be a mom?! Am I even capable of such a thing? I've always wanted children but sheesh I thought I would be married and have my own house first😅. You immediately went into dad mode you decided you wanted to be medicated so that you could hone your symptoms better and be a good father. You reorganized the entire house and began to dote on me. And by God did you do your best to handle my mood swings 🫠🥹. It wasn't easy as the months went by, we fought, we cried, and we went to bed upset. But we always came back together and learned and we're better for it each time. I will always be incredibly thankful for your family’s support especially your mother she is such an inspiration and always helped me through my feelings. They were just so happy the eldest had finally found “the one” and did whatever they could to help us. And I was grateful that my family was also accepting of you and happy for me.

I began to struggle with anxiety and depression and I got stuck for a while. You felt so hopeless and it put a strain on our relationship. Then you were told some bad news about your health during your checkup and were told you would need to give up smoking and drinking if you wanted a long life. It was hard on both of us but you tried your hardest to get sober and I was so proud of you.

The day came when we found out we were having a baby girl 🥹 and it was like something in me changed. It honestly felt like my mind had finally found its way back to my body. My anxiety started to simmer down and my depression was going away. I was having a daughter 🥺 and I want her to have the best life she can have full of love. I want to give her all the love and care I was never able to have all the opportunities I was robbed of free to be whoever she wants. And to do that I needed to get my shit together.
Seeing me change sparked a new sense of hope in you. Getting sober was so hard on you and your symptoms. Somedays you were relaxed other days you felt madder than the mad hatter it was draining you but at least I was getting better and was able to be there for you🤍

You have been so misunderstood since coming home from your ten-year service. Seen as a loose cannon a ticking time bomb with no one to turn to no one who knew the hell you've seen. You have a heart of gold you care so deeply and you want so badly to save the world to save those less fortunate than us from the horrors of war and evil. You've seen so much evil and it's left its mark on you. My heart breaks during the far and in-between times you've told me about the deaths you've witnessed. I can see the gentle scared little boy in your eyes fighting everyday to be the man he needs to be for me and our daughter. And I'm so proud of you. And I will do everything in my power to help you succeed and advocate for you. You've done nothing but take care of my heart and give me time to trust and heal and fall deeper in love with you and im so glad you are in my life.

I am thankful for the life I've had tho sometimes it felt like hell. For now, I see that I was being formed so I could be the best version of me for you and you for me and for our little Raven🥺

Right now you are in a veterans program so you can really get sober and become stable so you can be a good father before the baby comes. And I'm so proud of you. I am so happy after the heartbreaks, pain, loneliness, death, and what felt like an eternity of sorrow God led us together. You tell me all the time I saved you but my love you saved me and I can't wait for you to be home I cant wait to be your wife and I can't wait for our baby girl to get here.
God is so good all the time and I'm thankful I didn't give up before receiving this amazing blessing in His great timing🤍😭✨

Thank you for taking the time to read my series of stories and watch me grow in my journey and the journey still to come.
I can truly say even when you think it's only a matter of time before you give up
It truly does get better💕

Keep on keeping on and keep your head up and heart guarded remain kind to yourself and be mindful of your thoughts. Don't spend so much time looking down that your chances of a good life pass you. And maybe stop trying so hard to find love and give more love to yourself and perhaps like me it'll find you when you least expect it✨

Yesterday was horrible. I was trapped in my head, seeing only darkness and despair. Today I see clearly again, with clouds, but clearly and without problems. But it can't go on like this forever. Either good or bad. It's so exhausting to have to endure this emotional roller coaster every day.
Black or white. No gray. I hate it.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

How do you handle conflict when dealing with borderline personality disorder? When my FP is angry, I can’t help but think it is my fault. That everything is my fault. They might not be angry at you but you just can’t shake off that knot in your chest, stomach or throat. Because that’s how you are, you analyze everything- reading between the lines and always coming up to the conclusion that what they say is some passive aggressive comment about you.

So, do you try to tell them how you feel? Intentions of trying to resolve by talking about it, but instead it makes it worse. Now, they are telling you that they can’t feel angry or be able to express their emotions about something. Ironic, isn’t it?

Do you then just ignore how you’re feeling next time? Try to make them feel better by focusing the conversation on them, hoping that they would realize what they’re doing without you pointing it out and making them feel like everything they do is wrong. What if they don’t realize it? What if it just keeps happening and you’re then finding that you’ve buried these unresolved feelings from before. Next thing you know, something small triggers you and all these buried feelings comes surfacing back up and you just explode.

You’re then feeling guilty, ashamed for lashing out. You’re crying thinking why can’t you just handle it without such intense reactions? Why am I this way? And why doesn’t anybody just understand that I tried, that I do care but no one is recognizing how hard it is? Then the vicious cycle starts over again...

For years I have been battling: bipolar 1(mixed), PTSD, BPD and SAD. Now throw in a TBI and you have a mixture of complete chaos inside my head. Many days I am so emotionally that I scare myself.

May I start by asking how is it that we are all on week 52 It never occurred to me that in a week we will be in the next decade or year at that. I think we all need a round of applause for getting this far ( even those who might have started in different parts of the year ) . With my #AttentiondeficitDisorder and  #SocialAnxiety I have managed to not procrastinate as much or feel guilty for posting on different days.  Honestly, it is not easy to do something faithfully for a full year without getting distracted.  I was telling someone about doing this challenge and explaining how much it has changed my outlook on life.  It truly has not been easy to do this.  I have been known to not follow through on things or feel guilty for doing nice things for myself.  But each week I have realized that there is a community that is outside of my regular community that is rooting for me no matter what kind of week I am having.  I have learned to comment when I can and cheer others just as I am cheering myself (hopefully that makes sense).  This year I tried the at home facial which I have always wanted to do and bought myself things that help me while I work.  I started saving articles and keeping them somewhere so I can look at them again when I need that mental boost.  Realizing that my anxiety is not a bad thing but something that I live with and not ashamed of.  The way my mind works is something all together unique.  Than the job I got when I put myself out there was something all together that I couldn't have done a year ago.  I am going to try this again next year and hopefully see more things that I didn't see this year.  I also realized that being hard on myself is not a good thing and that it is generally my fear talking me out of doing things.  Even as I am typing this I am trying to ignore the grammar errors that my anxiety is pointing out to to me.  Do you know how hard it is to express yourself when you are afraid of how others think about your spelling or grammar?  Or being proud that you have a blog or something that you are good at.  I spill my thoughts out hoping that someone out there can relate to me.  It was why I started my blog in the first place.  Because I felt insecure and unsure of being a mother.  I go to bed at night wondering if my son would be proud of me someday or any day.  The daily milestones that I tell myself that I am good enough tries to heal the emotional wounds on my heart.  Wounds that are still sore and why I was abroad to heal from.  There is so much more to me than meets the eye and I am slowly getting comfortable with telling my story and inspiring others.  So 3 cheers for all of us as we have gotten through this challenge of loving and being comfortable with ourselves no matter what stage of life we are in.
#52SmallThings #CheerMeOn #Anxiety #EmotionalRollercoaster

I ride horses and one of my trainers and I have a social friendship separate from the client/trainer relationship. Socially we have stopped doing things and I don’t know why. As we have stopped doing things socially, she has started treating me weird and talking down to me in that client/trainer setting. Last week she really insulted, humiliated and hurt me with things she said to me in front of other friends and clients. Other clients were stunned how she treated me. I am still quite upset. I’m trying to keep it professional with her. she has not even acknowledged that her actions effected me. Her boss and I talked about it and I know she was talked to about it. It’s a huge elephant in the room.

I am newly #Bipolar2 . I’m finding myself questioning my #goodmood on a daily basis. Is it real? Or is it #Hypomania ? How long will it last? Do I savor it or #medicate it? What’s the next #mood gonna be? I used to be so in tune with my moods back when I only had #Depression . Now? I just don’t know. #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #hypomanic #moodswings #EmotionalRollercoaster #HighsAndLows