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Confession time

I’m tired 😓, I’ve had lupus for 20 years and it’s been rough from the start. I’m exhausted in all ways possible. I’ve always done things the right way but recently I found out that the hospital has me as a seeker 🥴 talk about a fucking punch too the heart and gut. I seriously debated myself days was it finally time just to end it all. I have multiple chronic illnesses that causes severe pain and chronic fatigue. I go to the ER and sit hours in agonizing pain just for some doctor to come in and play judge if I’m in enough pain for meds or if I need to be admitted when I think I do and I sit and wait 8plus hours. Just to be looked at funny and sent home in worse shape then I came in. I don’t know how much fight I have left in me I’m really starting to not feel like much of a warrior. It’s 12:38 I’m trying to make this post and am barely able to keep my eyes open to type. I live in Saint Louis city and you can get frights from anyone or any corner but I’ve tried to do it right for 20 years but I’ve recently went and bought pain meds for the first time which wasn’t even worth my time,money or nerves. #Exausted #tired #cryforhelp #Lupus #ic #InterstitialCystitis #bladder #Pain #tired #Fibromyaliga #Depression #MentalHealth #Asthama #hurt #help #Die

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Tired 😓

So I’ve had Lupus for 20 years now I was dx at the age of 8. I can’t believe it’s been so long and I’ve made it, it wasn’t easy and I didn’t do it alone. I got through with family, child hood doctors and many tantrums. It wasn’t easy at any point still isn’t, it’s only gotten more complicated. Can you imagine how many times in a week I wake up and think 🤔 gosh, I bet it’d just be easier to die now. All my pain and life worries would be gone I wouldn’t be a live burden on my mom just a dead one on her and my siblings. Every time something happens I sort of selfishly wonder is this it, is it over? Then I remember how hurt my mom and younger siblings and niece how hurt they would be, I’m not really scared to die I’m scared of leaving them alone to suffer without me. I’m 27 yrs old I’ve been through so much more then most people twice my age experience in a life time being chronically ill isn’t for the faint of heart. I’ve delt with so much I could write my own mini novel. I’m tired 😓 I’m exhausted 😩 and ready to be done mentally. But I can’t I’ve got little people watching my every move. I know why people commit suicide they feel like they been backed into a corner and cut off from everyone and all sources of pain. I’ve been there one too many times I’m exhausted in more way then one #tired #Food #cook #Sleepy #Exausted #Suicide #suicidal #mentally done

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Mental Check-In

So the last two days has been pretty tough for me, I can’t put my finger on exactly why but I’ve been pretty mopey 😔 and teary-eyed. I always have in the back of my mind the what if’s just sitting there taunting me but I don’t think that’s what’s bothering me. I’m 27 I’ve had lupus since the age of 8 so I’ve lived more of my life with it then without it so it’s pretty much all I know. I’m a pretty bubbly person for the most part I think why let everyone know how miserable 😩 I am if there’s nothing they can do about it and have them feeling down because I’m down and they can’t help then I’ll see them down and make me even more down so I figured I’ll fake it till I can’t😁. Music normally helps me out a lot but it’s just not doing it for me, maybe spending some time with my bf will help out. How has your day been? Share with me I really wanna know. #hey #toughday #Lupus #MentallyTired #tired #Exausted #Share #Fibromyaliga #Depression #MentalIllness #Music #DeepThought #musictherapy