Feelingtrapped

I have, after almost 15 years of marriage and an escalation of issues, realized that my husbands bad attitude, mean words, and refusal to communicate or be concerned about feelings (mine and our 4 kids), is due to him being narcissistic. I have come to the determination that I would be better off not being in this marriage any longer. However, I am currently trapped. I have been a stay-at-home parent throughout the entirety of the marriage, therefore I have no income of my own that I could rely on to support myself and my kids if I left. I am looking into getting a job (even though he doesn’t know that yet), but I am really worried because I have Fibromyalgia and CFS, along with a laundry list of other health difficulties, so I am very worried that even if I can get hired somewhere that won’t be too strenuous on me, my bad symptom days could cause serious problems for me to wake up and get to my job everyday. I am working on obtaining my Bachelors in Community Health through an online program, but I am still a few years away from completing it due to me taking only one class at a time. I also have to worry about my two daughters. One is 19 the other will be 18 in a couple months and both still live at home and have a long list of chronic health problems themselves that I have to help them manage. The 19 year old even has Aspergers and was recently diagnosed with BPD to go along with the EoE, Ehlers Danlos, and AMPS that she has. The soon to be 18 year old has CFS, depression, EoE, and Dysautonomia. My oldest son is 16 and is actually my stepson, but to me he is just my child since I have been his mom since he was 8 months old. However, I know if I leave my husband, I won’t be able to take him with me since my husband is his legal guardian. My youngest son is 13, has ADHD and still has several years of school left. So, even though I feel it would be better for me to leave, I have to consider my kids and their needs. I don’t have family to turn to for help, nor friends either. The couple of friends I have are actually joint friends to both me and my husband, not just mine, and are struggling financially themselves so are not in a position of helping me even if I asked. I simply don’t know what to do. I am horribly unhappy and tired of being emotionally neglected and abused. I need a game plan, but am not sure what steps to take to create one. Any words of advice or simply understanding would be very appreciated right now. Thanks for reading! Sorry for the lengthy post! #narcissism #Fibromyalgia #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #EmotionalAbuse #amps #EosinophilicEsophagitis #ADHD #Support #Dysautonomia #Aspergers #Feelingtrapped

Leading to deal with my depression and Bpd , I’ve also learnt how to notice the signs of what I call my episodes. And these emotions come in waves that are either to big to handle so I crash hard or they’re just the right size where I can control the on coming episode... lately I haven’t been able to hand the waves.. I know I’m going to crash and it’s going to be hard, which scares me because with everything going on I know I don’t have the access to the resources I need at this time. I need my doctor but I can’t leave my community either #Feelingtrapped

as it’s coming towards a new year and a new decade I sit here and wonder will anything actually change. this year has been a year of absolute roller coasters a year of so much tears and that scares me so much because what if next year and the year after is the exact same what If this pain never goes away. I sit and think how grateful I am for having the things I have but a dark cloud always looms over. my friends all have someone special to bring the new year in with and I’m the only one who doesn’t and lately that has actually upset me because that’s one of my biggest fears that I will end up alone forever. I just Hope next years a better year. #NewYear #Depression #alone #Feelingtrapped

I moved across the country with my sister and her family in Sept with the hope of starting a new chapter, but it has backfired for me and I am struggling terribly with my mental health. I quit my job, gave away and sold a lot of my things before we left- I literally have a few boxes of clothing to my name. I am overwhelmed with paying for my health insurance and right now I don’t have a job. I have no friends or support out here. Now the plan is to move back home since my sister’s job isn’t working out. I don’t want to stay out here all alone when they move back. Isolation is the worst thing for me. It has been extremely difficult for me to find happiness and my anxiety has been very difficult to manage for the past 2 months. I feel very sad and uncomfortably angry at times. #Feelingtrapped, #Cantstopcrying

I blame myself for coming over to my family’s for the holidays! I should have stayed home alone & be lonely instead of having to feel suicidal thoughts & self hatred! Most of my family are Muslim religious people! I’m not. I bought small gifts for my sister’s kids only my niece and nephew who are 12 years old which is a normal thing to do & I like seeing them happy! My mother gave me so much shit for getting them gifts to the point where I was in tears & didn’t want to escalate the situation so I didn’t speak my mind! Later on I heard from one of my elder sister that my mother has bought 2 gifts for my brother’s 2 girls & she wants to give it to them when they get here tomorrow! She’s such a hypocrite... I seriously have no other words to describe how I’m feeling! I just wanna be back home & not have to deal with my mother or associate with her! Since the 24th I’ve been crying & having suicidal thoughts! My insomnia & stress level has gone up! I hate my mother.... & I hate the fact that I chose to come over! I wasn’t expecting this at all. I’m seriously thinking of changing my ticket to an earlier date & go back home even though my finances are extremely tight. Then I’ll be the one creating more problems for leaving earlier than expected! I’m dammed if I do & dammed if I don’t! I’d like to kill myself & get it over with. I don’t wanna deal with mental & physical abuse since I was a child & this brought me back to my childhood memories where I seriously don’t wanna deal with them at à supposed to be a joyeuse holidays! It’s shitty holidays for me so far!