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Grit, Determination, and Sharpie Markers

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder

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Avoiding Avoidance

OK, another week went by. This time my efforts to get things accomplished on my To Do list were much more successful in spite of my cat’s most compelling recommendation to cover my eyes and nap. I like to think that creatures napping (especially warm fuzzy ones) emit a kind of powerful pheromone that makes anyone who is exposed want to curl up and sleep near them. I call them “sleepomones” and I battle them daily. When you look at Hobbes in the picture you can sense the difficulty with resisting him. This isn’t science, by any means, but it amuses me and gives me a “foe” I can manage. 😃 (1. Avoid cues to nap if you have things to do.)

This week I feel like I did resist the sleepomones and the lull of apathy and am pleased with the results. I got a lot of cleaning done, was consistent with my self-care practices each day, and invested a lot of energy in my family members (my three grown children and my brother.) I discovered, however, that I overspent my limited energy on them. That’s ok! I love them and my children made good use of my energy for positive things in their lives. (2. It’s OK to overspend your energy on something positive, but don’t let it keep derailing your progress .)

My brother is more of a bucket with a hole in it that I can never fill. He has numerous mental and physical health problems that easily overwhelm him and me. So I had to draw healthier boundaries to protect myself from being completely drained by him. How? I stopped trying to help him every time we talk (daily) and just focused on loving and appreciating him. He has trouble understanding many basic things about… nearly everything. He hates it when people tell him what to do though. Instead of attempting to convince him what behavior to change, I started saying things like, “I am pretty sure that is not the way to manage your medication when you don’t think it’s working. Your doctor or any pharmacist can help you with that.” Then I drop it unless he asks me directly for more information. (3. Identify areas in your life that are always drain your energy and strategize to protect yourself from it.)

I have more to say, but need to go empty the dishwasher and make lunch. 👍

#apathy #Depression #ChronicDepression #DepressionNaps #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone