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Grit, Determination, and Sharpie Markers

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder


#Depression or #apathetic ?

People have been talking about how scary the pandemic is and I don't feel anything. I work for a military contractor so I still go to work like normal. Several people at work have tested positive for the virus and yet I go about things like normal. My mom has been using PTO because she is scared to go to work due to the virus. Meanwhile, I find myself thinking if I did catch it I'd most likely be fine and even if I did happen to die from it, bad things happen every day so it'd be nothing special. I'd just wish I spent my last good days doing something better than going to work.

1 comment

Losing Friends

Over the last couple months there’s been some big changes happening in my life and whenever changes like this happen —even if they’re positive— my mental health seems to plummet.
I’ve been trying to handle the mood swings and whatnot myself but I also talk to two of my closest friends about it too. They are usually helpful. But the last week or so I really just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to be their friend right now.
It’s hard to listen to their drama and act like I care, because I don’t. It’s really a cycle of me isolating myself because I can’t handle them, them ultimately not talking to me as much or including me, and then I feel hurt and annoyed at them so I act bitchy and push them away.
In my brain it’s like, fine if they don’t need me then I don’t need them either. I know it’s just because I’m not in a good headspace at the moment. But I get annoyed. I wish they could know that I’m trying. I’m trying to get through this and get better, and I need them to not push me aside like trash. But on the other hand it’s like, f*ck them, ya know?
#Depression #Anxiety #MoodDisorders #Friends #moodswings #apathetic


how do I conclude if I am #apathetic

I've been told that I show signs of being apathetic and I can only agree how do I conclude and how should I deal with it #help