Some days your up and some days well IT is one of those days.
However this one is for you and you need IT
I'm trying to be active and productive. I have spent the whole day (now it's 5pm) waiting to reach the point of my to do list where I would have had to study.
Here I am, 10 hours after I woke up, and still haven't done a thing. As yesterday and as the day before.
I've actually found an inspiring spot and have all my stuff in front of me.
The progress today is: I have opened the file I should listen to and focused for 15 minutes. Then I just watch myself opening up pages, daydreaming, thinking, unfocusing. -.-
Good thing: I'm in a public place and they're playing some music - "I Want It All" reminded me of how I used to feel, when I was 11 yo, listening to Queen.
I do have energy and enthusiasm inside. A LOT.
I miss it. I sense it, but I don't feel able to grab it and take it up here.
[People who knew me before remember this, my old self, and maybe something of it it's still visible, I'm not aware].
It's part of me, I could burst and explode, if only this drowsiness would fade away. I have a sun inside which got suffocated through the years and now I can't move. I just follow the days as they go by and this crushes me.
I've tried several strategies, in the past three years, but I can't find what could work for me.
I've tried to concentrate for short periods of time, then take a break, then study again and so on, but it has worked for a few days and then stop.
Same applies to anything else.
(I change my way of studying as my needs do, though, so I don't expect a method to work all the time).
Does anyone have tips to focus on the short term, heading to bigger goals?
(I'm referring to college's exams in particular, in my case!)
How do you manage to mantain a regular studying activity? If you manage to do so, otherwise feel free to comment down below you too, if you wanna share something. :)
How do you like to study?
Btw: "My Fairy King" and "Great King Rat" are two curious songs by Queen I really like. I'm trying to take my light and my younger spontaneous and full-of-enthusiasm self out and these songs resonate in a particular way, now eheh ^^
Thank you for reading - a hug to everyone ~
Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.
So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.
But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.
I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.
I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”
Tell me about your apathy.
#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder
Big news about the toolkit already. It made a big difference! On DAY ONE I knocked out all but two action items on my new daily Checklist Tool. I could feel the momentum building as I checked off each item, so it definitely helped me be more motivated to actually do things. Yay!
Then came DAY 2. My life is full of stressors, triggers, symptoms, and side-effects that legitimize why I struggle with apathy as a form of numbing and escapist self-medication. This morning I got hit in the face with an enormous cat vomit pie, which was a great test of the effectiveness of my new strategy.
The photo I used today is the bakery bag with a doughnut in it that my sugar-obsessed cat found on the counter and broke into while I slept last night. He is a known “scarf and barf” cat. (Sadly, yes, that’s a thing.) There were multiple piles and smears of the resulting cat vomit everywhere. I can’t believe I was so careless, but there it is. Very unpleasant. I stubbornly ignored it all to do my morning light therapy, the first item on my Checklist Tool, because it was a dark rainy day and I knew I needed it. I couldn’t do the second item on the Checklist, meditation on gratitude, because I was completely jangled by the shocking cat vomit mess. Instead, I checked out the news headlines as I sat in front of my light therapy lamp. When the session was over and I was full of depressing international news, I just wanted to hide in my safe nest. But I had to clean up the cat vomit mess before my husband woke up and tracked it everywhere. He is disabled with no short-term memory so there is no way to warn him to be careful where he steps. Such is my life.
Before I was willing to start the cleaning process I made my “morning comfort coffee,” which I then started drinking before I had brushed my teeth because my mind was no longer focused on my Checklist, but on cat vomit. So I blew it on item 3 on the list. After finishing the cleaning I refreshed my coffee and headed to the safety of my bed to escape further stress, naturally! I was unconcerned about doing the rest of the items on the list that day because I was still triggered. Maybe I would get back to it later and maybe I wouldn’t. I made that choice for resetting my well-being and don’t regret it, but I also wanted to strengthen the tool against being derailed at the “brush teeth before coffee” point on the Checklist again.
So armed with determination (and some desperation) I tied a little bow out of clean dental floss to the handle of my coffee pot. Silly? Maybe, but I have to do whatever works for me.
Tomorrow is another day. I’m hopeful my new Apathy Toolkit will help me claw my way out of this apathy hole I am in. As I start using it regularly I will look for more ways to reinforce it with helpful cues around me. Wish me luck! ☀️🪥 🦷 🌻
The Not Today image is actually from one of my favorite t-shirts.
Yesterday ended up being a familiar waste of potential. I felt ok physically, but my usual apathetic reasoning encountered little resistance anyway. I don’t know why. Maybe it was from communicating with my sisters about how difficult it is to help our brother accomplish the things they want him to do. He has many health problems, both physical and mental. I have volumes more to say about that, but I will have to share it another day.
Today I am not the sharpest bulb in the crayon box. When my energy is this low I sometimes give myself permission to just cancel the whole day and read or watch movies or sleep. It’s a bit of self-kindness that is designed to reduce the need to beat myself up for just letting myself relax and rest when I have to. I may punt and do just that. I definitely WANT to, especially because sitting here quietly has given me the opportunity to notice which parts of my body ache today.
It’s a “leg day,” it seems. In an effort to fight for the wherewithal to at least get outside and walk a bit, I have started to stretch my leg muscles while I write. Naturally that leads to my noticing tightness and aching in my neck, too, so I start to stretch there too.
My chronic fibromyalgia pain has often made me think about peeling an onion. When my doctor asks me where I am hurting, it takes me awhile to release my pain-ignoring defenses. I have spent so much time and energy trying to block out my pain that I have to pull back the layers of denial and “go looking” to see where I am actually hurting. I might notice first that my right arm is buzzing with carpel tunnel pain. But unpacking that sensation leads to the realization that my hip aches, then I notice that the finger I jammed 35 years ago is throbbing unpleasantly a little.
Then it hits me—maybe it’s going to rain! So I check my weather app. Sure enough, the barometric pressure is falling and rain is expected. That means I can count on increased pain until the stormy weather passes. It isn’t raining yet, though, so I am going to gather myself for a quick walk outside because I know that will help me.
Now I just need to mobilize my husband and make sure he is ready to go walk with me because he cannot be left unattended, with his cognitive impairments. He has basically no short-term memory and is unable to think well or steer his brain. It’s like having a six feet tall toddler. What is likely to happen is that it will take so long to get him ready, because he has no focus and cannot follow instructions, that the rain will start before we get out there.
Is it any wonder that I am prone to just rolling over and taking a nap instead of even trying?
Maybe tomorrow. #apathy #Fibromyalgia #Depression #ChronicPain #lowenergy
OK, ok, ok… So yesterday I succumbed to old habits and let my apathy hold me back. That’s not unexpected. I have A LOT on my plate. If the new me can break free of the pillow-call of apathy for several days of movement and productivity and then I have to “crash” for a day… that is still so much better than hoping to get things done just one day of the week. I’ll take it!
There have been times in my life (when I was still young and immortal,) when I would berate myself for a pattern that was less than perfect. That’s a crazy standard for anyone to try to impose on themself. Now I am a wiser old bird and know to celebrate success in any form or duration.
After my two cups of coffee and a light therapy session, today I have a surprising amount of energy so I am going to get a bunch of cleaning done. See you when the dust settles. Here I go! 😉
#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #Depression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy
Last time I refused to go out because it was always best for me just only stay in the room and sleep
But actually was not 🙅 my health getting worse and I feel tired easily
What am I experience now is when you have negative thought you are not feeling well you have to go out
It is hard at the beginning but you can feel the happiness of freedom and sunlight when you go out
Have a try and tell me your experience
Take some photos because you are beautiful with the nature and scenery
I was at the store some time ago and as I got in line to check out, I instantly felt like I couldn’t breathe. My first thought was whether or not I had little energy left in me, then everything stopped and my head began to hurt. I thought, “ Oh, no.” As soon as I said this in my mind, I almost began to cry in front of everyone, but I kept reminding to breathe the whole time I was there. I almost ran home and couldn’t get my keys out fast enough with my shakey hands. I barricaded myself in my bedroom, lit a candle, the fan is going, and I’m laid out on the floor with a headache. I don’t know if I has a anxiety attack or not, but it was sudden and I felt like I was losing control of myself very fast. #MentalHealth #PanicAttacks #lowenergy #Headache #helpmedeal #ineedhelp