grooming

My partner is from a different culture than me, although we were both raised in the same country. (Their parents are immigrants)
My partners uncle is visiting from that country, and I have a huge issue with this uncle.
When the uncle was 37, he married a 14 year old girl… this was in the late 1980/s or early 1990s. The uncle was wealthy and the family has always referred to his (now ex) wife as a “gold digger” and the uncle “was always in love with her” (she was 12 or 13 when he met her) They insist the uncle was always awkward, a stereotypical “computer nerd engineer”’type.
I feel that this uncle is a pedophile and he groomed his “wife” and I refuse to be around him. However this is causing tension with my mother in law, who has stage 4 cancer.
My partner says they are torn and can’t decide if the girl was a victim or not as she stayed married to the uncle for 15 years and they have 2 children.
I don’t know if I should keep my mouth shut or keep singing like a canary to anyone who will listen? Is it possible this is a cultural issue and I just don’t understand? Does anyone know of a Ted talk or something I can show my partner to help them understand how awful this is? Any advice is appreciated.

TW: Child Molestation, Grooming, Victim Blaming, attempted solicitation of child pornography

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I used to think I was alone but after a quick Google I learned multiple kids were molested with this same “game.” So I feel more comfortable talking about it.

You know that scene I’m the old film Liar Liar where the father tickles his son with “the claw?” My uncle used that same method and threw in a creepy piano hand walk to molest me. It starts off innocent enough but the hand goes down and does other things.

After being adopted my adoptive father was a fan of the film liar liar. And he liked to do the claw thing in the innocent movie accurate way. And my reaction was well psycho. It was so extreme my terror terrified everyone. I ran to my room. Slammed the door. And sat against it on the other side screaming and crying bloody murder.

Through out my life I think because of that experience I was convinced my dad had molested me. At age 12 I had a dream where I had phantom sensations. I woke up and accused him of rape as I had a panic attack. My mom couldn’t go to work that day because of my panic attack. My dad was a drunk so he didn’t go to work and I was afraid to be alone with him. Eventually my mom reassured me my dad didn’t rape me was just a dream. Though it took a while to convince me as my whole life I had been convinced subconsciously that my dad was sexually into me. He may not have been a sexual predator but he was still a very bad and abusive man. Don’t misunderstand.

When I was in my 20s (still am lol) I was on Instagram and was looking at Miley Cyrus’ page for old times sake. She had posted the art she stole. You know the food porn. And the next thing I knew I could remember my uncle molesting me at age 2 1/2, the claw “game,” the fear, the sound of my own heart beat, the piano keys playing creepily, the knowledge that I should run for help but was afraid because my uncle was a grown up and kids are supposed to obey grown ups so if I left I’d be in trouble.

My uncle was around a lot my first 15 months of life. We shared a home. So knowing him he molested me through that time period and again when my adoptive family would take me to visit my birth family. There’s photos of him and I together a lot and lord knows my birth mom didn’t want to do anything that didn’t involve partying and drugs.

Typing this out was really damn hard. Triggering. But there it is. The earliest memory I have. And one of the worst if not THE worst that I have. It makes me feel horrible. I’ve confirmed it with my adoptive mom my describing my uncles room and my grandparents entire home layout. I got it right in every aspect. Currently my uncle lives in Peru. Why did he run off to South America? Nobody will tell us.

P.s. my uncle tried to groom me at age 12 via social media and email. I didn’t know how normal families acted. His compliments were flirty. But I thought maybe he was just being supportive. He then asked me to send him naked pictures of myself. I was scared and uncomfortable. So I close my computer and tried to sleep-it was hard. In the morning he had posted all over my Facebook for everyone to see that I was a whore and trailer trash. I cried and called my birth mom. But you see she told me never to talk to my uncle. When I asked her why she had said, “because I’m your mom and I said so!” But he’s my uncle right? Why shouldn’t I talk to family? So when I called and told her what happened there was no sympathy. She said it was my own fault because for disobeying her and I brought this on myself so how dare I come to her for help… and she probably lied to my sister about what really happened to make me look bad. As always.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma #Abuse #SexualAbuse #ChildSexualAbuse #grooming #ChildAbuse #adopted

(TW for talks of CSA and abuse, nothing detailed at all)

There is a user on here that decided to message me. They asked if I wanted to be friends and I said I don’t trust strangers well because I’ve been hurt in the past. They said “oh, well that’s the past, you can forget that and move on.” Yeah sure. Forget the years of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of several men. Right. Anyway, he also asked where I lived and if I was male or female. I told him very broadly that I live in the US, and that my gender was not his business. He said that since he has his picture in his profile and he is open about being male, I should be open about who I am. Hmm. No!

Anyway, it culminated in me saying that if he actually read anything I posted he’d know my gender and then he promptly said “I know you’re a man.” And blocked us. LOL yikes. Firstly, no, I am not a man. I am a non-binary DID system. I have several male alters, but that doesn’t mean I am male. I also have several female alters, a genderfluid alter, non-binary alters, and alters whose genders aren’t important to them. How interesting that this man (who is pretty clearly impersonating an actor) is suddenly freaked out and blocks me when he thinks I am male.

Not the first time this has happened, on my first day here I was messaged by a man who promptly blocked me after finding out I was not a minor.

Stay safe out there, everyone. Seriously. Just because this is an app for support in disabilities does not mean bad people aren’t on it. People with disabilities are often targeted purposely because they are considered easy to manipulate and control. Be careful! If you are a minor, I don’t suggest advertising it. If you are female, be aware. I was manipulated at a teen age by an older man online and I didn’t realize how bad it could have ended up at the time. I was lucky I decided to nope out pretty early on, but it could have gotten very bad.

Be well, everyone. Remember internet safety!

-Jules
#Trauma #Childhoodtrauma #grooming #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder

When I was younger (16-19) I worked with someone and never understood that he was grooming me. Once I quit and moved away a friend helped me understand what happened. I opened up to this friend. He listened and gave advice. However what I didn’t realize for 3 months was that he was doing the same thing but in a little different way.

These guys played with my emotions. One of them fantasized abkht cheating on his wife and wanted me to send photos. I got uncomfortable and afraid. I drew the line and blocked all contact. It’s been a lot better since I stopped talking to him. The other guy who I thought was my friend and helped me through the first incident, wanted more. I enjoyed feeling turned on with his words but I never wanted him to touch me for real.

My mental health went to an all time low. For weeks the depression worsened. Another friend advocated for me. She was there for me 24h a day every day. She actually cared for me like no one I’d ever talked to. She was the one who helped me through these experiences. Eventually, she convinced me and he was blocked on social media too. Still I’ve never blocked his cell number. And occasionally I get messages. I got one prior to my birthday. On my birthday. Valentine’s Day. And he still wants me.

I want to not be afraid to be around him. I don’t want to be triggered by these pop up messages. I can’t get rid of him completely because he’s a friend of the family. That makes it worse. He’ll never be really gone.

I hated myself for not paying attention when they were grooming me. I never had a S. O. I thought that they liked me. Well they did, however it wasn’t what I thought.

I’ve beat myself up so much over the last year. I still feel that everything that happened is my fault. It’s not... but I can’t stop feeling like I’m a bother to people and that it would be better if I weren’t there.

I don’t know what I want to come out of writing this. If you made it this far- thanks for my rambling.

#grooming #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #tired #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #imsorry #hopeless #Myfault #IntrusiveThoughts

Tomorrow, I go back to my grandparents' house to look through things, pack up things, and take the few things I want to keep. I broke the cycle of enmeshment & grooming when I walked away from my grandparents & uncle in 2003. I only saw them five times since then. They just moved out, into nursing homes and adult care facility. My aunt let me know the house is going to go up for sale. She wants me to come get what I want and also help her pack up photos. I'm trying to be brave about it, because I know nothing there can actually physically hurt me, but I also know that being back in that place may very well trigger a panic attack. My uncle was an alcoholic and I was forced to play bartender a lot. He also was grooming me, until I realized what was happening and refused to be around him.