Myfault

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    I was groomed.

    When I was younger (16-19) I worked with someone and never understood that he was grooming me. Once I quit and moved away a friend helped me understand what happened. I opened up to this friend. He listened and gave advice. However what I didn’t realize for 3 months was that he was doing the same thing but in a little different way.

    These guys played with my emotions. One of them fantasized abkht cheating on his wife and wanted me to send photos. I got uncomfortable and afraid. I drew the line and blocked all contact. It’s been a lot better since I stopped talking to him. The other guy who I thought was my friend and helped me through the first incident, wanted more. I enjoyed feeling turned on with his words but I never wanted him to touch me for real.

    My mental health went to an all time low. For weeks the depression worsened. Another friend advocated for me. She was there for me 24h a day every day. She actually cared for me like no one I’d ever talked to. She was the one who helped me through these experiences. Eventually, she convinced me and he was blocked on social media too. Still I’ve never blocked his cell number. And occasionally I get messages. I got one prior to my birthday. On my birthday. Valentine’s Day. And he still wants me.

    I want to not be afraid to be around him. I don’t want to be triggered by these pop up messages. I can’t get rid of him completely because he’s a friend of the family. That makes it worse. He’ll never be really gone.

    I hated myself for not paying attention when they were grooming me. I never had a S. O. I thought that they liked me. Well they did, however it wasn’t what I thought.

    I’ve beat myself up so much over the last year. I still feel that everything that happened is my fault. It’s not... but I can’t stop feeling like I’m a bother to people and that it would be better if I weren’t there.

    I don’t know what I want to come out of writing this. If you made it this far- thanks for my rambling.

    #grooming #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #tired #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #imsorry #hopeless #Myfault #IntrusiveThoughts

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    accused of cheating #Myfault #insecurepartner #

    partner blaming me for row when he started it over me asking why he needed access to my home camera to then have him get the hump and say it coz I want blokes round. saying if cheated. feeling so angry and triggered but being strong

    Post

    Does it even count as trauma? #Trauma #SexualTrauma #confused #Myfault

    My therapist and I recently started doing trauma work. I always knew I have had bad experiences in the past, but I guess I just sorta shoved it under the rug because it’s not rape and it’s not child abuse, so therefore it doesn’t really count as trauma and I should just get over it, right? I feel like it’s technically my fault, because I wasn’t forced into doing anything sexual, and I never said no. I mean, I might have quietly said no, or umm a few times, but I’ve never actually really tried to get any of the guys to stop. Saying “I did this for you, now you should do this for me” when I didn’t even want him to do what he “did for me” doesn’t count as sexual assault. For all he knew, he had my consent, he was just being a horny asshole about it. I’m really struggling to put a label or some kind of name on this, because I’m the one who didn’t stand up for myself...