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The Day God Said No Part 2 #Suicide #miracle #redemption #Hope #god #MentalHealth

I was so excited to be able to see him again.   Seeing everyone who had passed before me thrilled me more than I can explain. And finally, I went to sleep, the a/c on high, and blowing right into my face, and a light cotton blanket across my body to keep the chill away.
I slept fitfully, and got up two more times in the night to relive myself, but jumped right back in. Otherwise, I never left that car, even to smoke a cigarette.  I smoked inside my car with the windows up. I never smoked in my car before. It was gross.  Eventually I fell into a deep sleep, and knew I wouldn’t wake up from it.
12 hours later, I woke up to the sound of what could only be a bird on my roof.  I could hear it pecking at my roof as if to say “Hey, God said it’s time to get up now, your little stunt didn’t work!”.  I sat up stunned and gazed at my clock. It was now 7pm the next day, and I quickly checked my gauges to make sure I was reading them correctly. I had burned a half tank of gas and been in this car of over 12 hours. More like 15 hours, and yet, here I was, still obviously alive.  What the actual fuck, I screamed out loud! How could I still be here? I looked and listened to make sure my car, which was still running, which of course it was. It was humming its tune to me, the engine and a/c still blowing, as if to say, “Yep, we are still doing our job.    Completely in shock, I stepped out of the car and into the parking garage and looked around, dazed and confused.  How could I possibly still be alive??? It shouldn’t be. Scientifically speaking, I should be dead, and I knew it!
Flabbergasted, I walked around and checked the pipe, swaying a little as I was extremely lightheaded and weak, but apparently fine other than that.  The socks were still intact. No exhaust was coming out of the pipe.  Shaking my head and cursing under my breath in disbelief, I went around to the driver’s side and got into the front seat. I had used a half tank of gas but was still here! HOW??  I screamed to myself!!!  Schock and anger took over. Angrily, I asked myself, now what?  And I heard Gods voice again, plain as day.  “Go home and write the book. I told you that you were divinely protected, but you wouldn’t listen. You can try again, but I assure you that you are simply wasting your time, “He said, firmly inside my head.  “Go get some fresh air, and something to eat. You’ll feel better after that. “, He urged me gently.
I knew then without a doubt that I had witnessed a miracle, plain and simple. God had saved me, in spite of myself.
I didn’t wake up with a revelation. I didn’t suddenly feel whole, hopeful or healed. I woke up because God refused to let me die.
Fifteen hours. Three socks in the exhaust pipe. My engine still running. And me – still alive.
No one found me. No one rescued me, except Him.
When I stepped out of that car, I didn’t know what came next, but I knew this:
God had said no. And now He was saying GO. I don’t have all of the answers. But I do know one thing with terrifying, beautiful clarity: I’m still here.  And if you are reading this, so are you.  Maybe that’s the miracle we both needed.

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The Day God Said No- And Gave Me My Purpose Part 1 #MentalHealth #clarity #Suicide #god #Miracle #Spirituallity #Hope

After suffering years of narcissistic abuse at the hands of my now ex-husband and his psycho girlfriend, I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to end my life.  I wanted to see the ocean one last time, so I drove to Galveston.
It was everything I had hoped it would be. I watched the sunrise as I sat on the beach, and I marveled at God’s creation. The sunrise was magnificent, with dark pinks and oranges mixed with light blues and grays streaked across the sky. I cried when I saw the big orange and red orb of the sun peek over the horizon, as if mocking me with its brilliance. It was truly majestic. The water was green and crystal clear that morning and I could see so far out. I sat with my toes curled into the tawny, wet sand, the warm breeze blowing my hair across my face, and I cried. I cried for the stupidity of the whole thing. The needlessness. It didn’t have to be this way.  He didn’t have to treat me like he did, I lamented to myself.  Why is he so cruel? Why is she so broken that she helped him, I wondered. But here I was.  Homeless and alone, truly alone for the first time in a very long time.  I couldn’t hear God’s voice like I normally could. Only the sounds of the waves lapping at the beach and the distant sound of children’s laughter could be heard.  The silence was deafening, as if God too, was angry with me.  Sad, resigned and defeated, I made my plans.
This was it. Today will be my last day on earth, I thought to myself, as I gazed at the sunrise.  The weather couldn’t have been better for it, especially for an August in Texas. It was still early, and the temps were only around 78 degrees. It was a good day to die, I thought sardonically.   Still determined, I made my plans.
I went to the store and bought a utility knife with razor blades, a green utility rope, like the kind you would use to tie down things and a 12 pack of Corona (must keep hydrated, I wryly thought to myself) as I brought the items back to my room and spread them out onto the bed.
As I surveyed them, I cracked open the first beer, and it tingled on my tongue and tasted so good as it went down.  Crisp and cold, just the way good beer should be on a hot summer day in Galveston.   As I drank the beer, I perused the items I had purchased and thought about each one analytically.  I had to think things through and not go into this half-baked, or I knew it wouldn’t work.  I could be very impulsive, and this had to work on the first try, I   thought.
I first started with the green rope.  I googled how to tie a noose and quickly ignored the messages that popped up from the suicide prevention places.  Tying the noose was easy, it turns out.  I could hang myself, but where, I wondered as I looked around the room.  No good, I deduced. The doors wouldn’t hold rope and the closet rod and shower head seemed too flimsy, and I figured it would only break and cause damage to the room, so I checked it off of the list.
Next, I eyed the utility knife warily.  Nope, I quickly shot this idea down, as I don’t do pain (I had had enough pain in my life lately, and this was not the way, I firmly told myself) as I nixed this idea altogether. Too messy anyways. I would be terrible, and this had to work.  I couldn’t handle the idea of the mess I would be leaving for the poor maid, either.  Also, what if I missed the veins altogether? This stopped me in my tracks. So I checked this idea off my ever-growing shorter list.  What can I do that doesn’t hurt, I wondered, as I cracked open the third beer and feeling slightly buzzed by now.
I decided to drive around and think things through, so I packed everything into my car and drove aimlessly up and down the Seawall, looking out into the water,  beginning to fill up with the families out playing with their children in the surf, enjoying the fine weather, and having a happy vacation.   I wish I had taken more vacations, I thought, as I watched them play.
Finally, I had an idea that I knew would work, and didn’t hurt at all.  I would put socks in my exhaust pipe and give myself carbon monoxide poisoning. The exhaust would back up into my car. It was perfect, and painless, and I knew just the place.
I turned my red Honda CRV into the hotels front entryway, and made a sharp right and went down into their parking garage. It was small, and very quiet down here. Apparently, some people used this for cruise parking, so there wasn’t a lot of in and out traffic down here. I knew this was the place.   Somewhat excited now, at the thought of going home to heaven (I hoped anyways) I hopped out and grabbed everything I would need: three socks, composition notebook, pens, my phone and charger.   Looking around nervously to make sure it was clear, I used a pen and jammed three socks into the tailpipe, stuffing them in tightly then started the car.  I ran back to the exhaust pipe and tested it to see if any exhaust came out of it. It did not, so I knew it would back up into my car and kill me rather quickly.
I hopped back in, this time into the back seat. Comfort was a must, you know.  I grabbed my water and kicked back in the seat, my head on the pillows I had brought from home and began to watch movies on my phone.  I could smell the exhaust filling my car, but it wasn’t terrible like they show in the movies. In fact, I really couldn’t tell much difference other than the slight exhaust smell, like when you ride motorcycles. It was perfect, and I knew it.
The only concern I had at all, was that even with my lights on “off”, they still came on in the dimness of the garage and I feared I would be spotted. Then, I thought about it some more.   People are so busy with their own lives that they wouldn’t even notice me, I had said  to myself. I was correct about this assumption.   Only two cars came in or out of the garage that night and no one looked my way twice.   No one even gave me a second glance.
I cried a little at the unfairness of the world, felt incredibly sorry for myself, and attempted suicide notes. In the end, I decided to forego written notes altogether.   I made a few drafts of suicide notes for my family in my TikTok drafts folder.  There were no words anyways.
The one constant in my mind was Cami and Amee and Colton.   This was going to be so hard for Cami, and I knew it. Guilt would wrack my body each time I thought of her, yet my determination never wavered. I figured my two other kids would be relieved I was gone.  They both had me in their phones contact list as Batshit Crazy at one point, so I figured I was doing them a favor by ending it.
This was it, and soon I would be free. I was really doing this.   The car was quite comfortable, with the air blowing high. The silence from God was deafening, however,  so I assumed He agreed with me.   It’s time to come home, I thought, as I settled down to watch Marley and Me.   Resolved in my mission, I kept on going.
By the time the movie was over, I could tell the carbon monoxide was working.  I hopped out quickly, but only pee beside my car.  Hopping back in quickly, my limbs begging to feel oddly light, like Jello and I didn’t seem to have much control over them, so I laid down to fall asleep. This was it, I thought. Goodbye, cruel world.  Then, as I drifted off to sleep, I heard God speak to me.  He said, “You’re divinely protected,” as if a tired parent would say to a child who was doing something that the parent knew wouldn’t work.  My eyes snapped open, and I retorted hotly back out loud to Him, “I’m doing it anyways, and I will see you soon! Tell Steven to pick me up!” Steven was my little brother, two years younger than me, who had taken his life in 2004 when he was 32, and I was 34. I was so excited to be able to see him again.

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The power of giving up #Depression #Faith #Anxiety #Relationships #Hope #MentalHealth

This might seem a strange post but please stay with me. I have been a Pastor for 35 years but I have never taken a salary as I have chosen to earn my own money and let the church use the money for other projects. 33 years ago I started a business and it was extremely difficult. Some fortnights my income was huge, other fortnights the nature of the business meant I could get negative income and so I would have to tell my Wife it was essential spending only and sometimes, not even that.

One night I was still awake at 3am, stressed out of my tree about the business and had resolved to go to my manager in the morning and resign. I would get a regular job with guaranteed income. Seeing I couldn’t sleep I went into my home office to pray. God spoke to me, almost audibly. He said, “Well, have you had enough trying to run things on your own?” I gave an emphatic YES. God asked, “Would you like Me to run the business?” I replied, “Yes, I have tried but can’t do it”.

So I quit running the business and installed God as the CEO. I even typed up a contract to that effect. I promised to work hard, be honest, but leave the results to God. God managed it very well. In my last 10 years of business (I sold it 12 years ago), I was consistently in the top 100 advisors in Australia.

What do you need to give up, to surrender today? God has very safe hands. He loves you with reckless love.

He has this.

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Being held by Jesus #Depression #Hope #Anxiety #Christianity #Faith #Relationships #MentalHealth

I had a fall at home this week. I was doing some gardening and tripped on some branches and landed on a branch. I knew straight away something was wrong as a huge lump instantly appeared below my knee.

Having experienced a few years ago, acute spontaneous compartment syndrome in my other leg I knew I had to get to the doctors to check out my injury.

The doctor did a thorough examination and said it was a pool of blood that would resolve itself but I needed to use ice, rest and use compression bandages.

Last night I was in a lot of pain as I tried to sleep so I prayed, “Jesus hold me”. The pain meds were not helping and I couldn’t sleep so I just wanted to be held. I instantly knew that Jesus was holding me. No judgement, no platitudes. Just a beautiful awareness that I was loved by God who knows me and loves me anyway.

He loves you too.

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The blessing of remembering #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Hope #FamilyAndFriends #Relationships #MentalHealth

This photo popped up on my phone as a “memory”. It was from visiting a Van Gogh exhibit not long after Covid restrictions were eased a bit.

Being able to go to a public place outside the previously imposed restriction zone of 5 kilometre from home, was liberating.

I think there can be a lot of truth to the phrase, “You don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it”. Who would have imagined a time when it was illegal to travel in your own city, and that staples like toilet paper and testing kits would be fought over?

Today, I am grateful for essential workers who risked their lives for societies sake, for well stocked shelves and freedom of movement.

What are you grateful for today?

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#Hope

#warriors #nevergiveup #liveit #keepmoving #Hope #one #lifes #energy #victories #988helpline #life #trend #reels #youtube #like #subscribe #free #determination #entire #video👇🏼
youtu.be/QiFwsae33Co #creatorsearchinsights

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Christians and mental health #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Hope #Relationships #MentalHealth

It’s time to address some truths about Christianity and mental health.

1. Christians can and do struggle with mental illness. It is NOT a sign of secret sin, hidden shortcomings or lack of faith.

2. Many people in the Bible struggled with their mental health.

Hannah who struggled to have a baby.
Elijah was burnt out.
Job lost everything and everyone that he held dear.
David suffered the depths of depression.
Jonah was suicidal. Etc etc

3. No one is immune. Being in the ministry doesn’t make you immune, in fact, statistically speaking mental illness can be more prevalent in Pastors than many other professions.

4. It is NOT wrong to take medication, seek professional help or be hospitalised due to mental illness. It is no different to diabetes, high blood pressure etc.

5. Things are getting better, but we are way to go. My church knows that their Pastor, me, takes medication, has been hospitalised for treatment and still consults doctors to stay healthy.

Reject shame. Don’t let anyone look down on you. You are courageous, you matter and you are loved.

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Hope

Hope. I have hope. Hope that things will work out and get easier. That my mental health symptoms will ease up or diminish all together. That this med change I am on will work. It has to work, I think. I am hoping that it works. I have hope that it will work all the way because I am already seeing results. It has given me hope in my darkest moments that things will not always be like this as hard as it is to see through it all. So, I am hopefully and was today when I woke up because I was given a new day! I am hopeful that today will be even better than yesterday because my meds will be working even more. I will get through this because it is all in the mind controlled or uncontrolled, but we must have hope, hope that things will get better. Without it my mental health symptoms will take over.

#Hope #MentalHealth

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Feeling Better After a Mentally Tough Time — A Little Update

After going through a really tough time mentally, I can finally say I’m feeling much better. The heaviness has lifted, my thoughts are clearer, and I feel more like myself again. It took time, patience, and small steps, but I’ve come a long way.

I'm focusing now on building healthier habits, staying present, and appreciating the calm after the storm. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about feeling okay, and that feels like a huge win.

If you're in the middle of your struggle, just know that things can change. Healing happens in quiet moments, and one day, you might look up and realize you're doing better than you thought.

#mentalhealthrecovery #healingjourney #feelingbetter #Hope #selfcare #progress

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In case you needed to hear this today, I did. #Hope #Anxiety #Depression #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #PTSD #MentalHealth

You are loved, you are seen, you matter and you are not alone.

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