#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Impulsecontrol #Financialstress #Financialburden
I have BPD and I have been in therapy for 5 years now. I think I’m getting a better handle on my emotions, not going to lie there are better days than others. Right now, what is causing me to feel so much guild, shame, and disgust in myself is my inability to stop spending money on sh*t I don’t really need. My therapist wants me to start tracking my spending and identifying why I bought it and what describe my feelings. I have gotten myself out of debt and now I am back in it. The worst part is that I am supposed to be saving money for a down payment on a house that we want to buy next summer. I can save the money but then I don’t have enough money left over after I pay off monthly bills. The crazy part is that I have lots of money left over but I always shop, shop, and shop as if I have a damn money tree in my yard. I am so tired of feeling this way and I have never really sat down and analyzed all these emotions that I am feeling. I feel like an addict, trying to stay clean, except my addiction is spending money. I want to stop this behavior. I want to stop sabotaging myself. I feel more comfortable feeling like a failure so that when I am succeeding, its foreign. So, I go back to what does feel normal, failure, total failure. The other worst part is that my husband is used to me being this way and isn’t disappointed anymore. I don’t know what’s worse, disappointing someone or not disappointing them anymore?!? I told therapist that I just don’t know what to do. For once, I am not trying to avoid answering a question, I really don’t know what to do. I have starting tracking my spending. We’ll see how that works. But, I wanted to just put this out there. Hoping that maybe someone can relate. Hope someone has some advice or at least an “your not alone.” Sorry for the long post.
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