For years, my body had been whispering things I could not hear. There were moments of fatigue that sank bone-deep, so heavy I couldn’t will myself to move. My legs, once my solid foundation, started giving out beneath me. Sensations tingled in my fingers and toes, like electrical currents surging through the wrong wires. But when you’ve lived with chronic illness for as long as I have—Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), and Ankylosing Spondylitis—it’s easy to lose track of new symptoms amidst the noise. How can you tell when another storm is brewing, when you already live in a constant downpour?
The search for a diagnosis, as many with chronic illness know, is an endless run of doctor's appointments, tests, and dead ends. The language of our bodies is complex, and deciphering it can feel like solving a puzzle with missing pieces. I would mention the numbness, the cognitive fog, the moments where my vision blurred at random intervals. But none of it stood out enough to demand urgent attention—until one day it did.
It started with a fall. The kind of fall that felt unnatural, like I’d been pushed by an invisible force. My legs gave way in an instant, and I hit the ground before I even registered what had happened. That’s when the whispers became screams. Something was terribly wrong, and I couldn’t say it was my EDS anymore.
I found myself in yet another neurologist’s office. By now, I was accustomed to medical professionals reviewing my already complex file with raised eyebrows, but this time was different. There was an urgency in the doctor’s demeanor as they ordered an MRI and bloodwork. They were searching for the tell-tale signs of Multiple Sclerosis (MS): lesions on my brain and spinal cord.
I’d heard of MS, of course, but in the periphery. I knew it was serious, progressive, and incurable. As I sat in the MRI machine, the loud clanging around me, I felt more like I was in a confessional than a diagnostic tool. I thought about how much my body had been through already. How could it possibly handle something else? After all, the connective tissue disorder had already taken my colon and most of my mobility. Did I have any reserves left to face a new battle?
The results came back, and there they were—white spots, small but undeniable, scattered across my brain like misplaced clouds. The neurologist explained the significance of those lesions, how they corresponded to the nerve damage that had been slowly wreaking havoc on my body. Multiple Sclerosis. A progressive disease where the immune system turns against the nervous system, attacking the protective myelin sheath around the nerves. It explained everything: the weakness, the falls, the electric tingling, the confusion, the sheer exhaustion. My body wasn’t just whispering—it had been screaming for help all along.
Hearing the words felt like being hit by a slow-moving train. It wasn’t sudden, but the impact was immense. Another diagnosis. Another fight. I couldn’t help but think about my body teetering on the edge of collapse. The MS diagnosis felt like it was threatening to bring everything down with it.
MS affects everything. It isn’t just the limbs or the brain—it’s the entire body. It’s the unpredictable nature of the disease that makes it so insidious. One day, you might be able to walk with the assistance of a cane, and the next, you can’t feel your legs at all. Vision can blur without warning, cognitive function can slip, and then there’s the relentless fatigue. Not the kind that a good night’s sleep can fix, but the kind that feels like you’re dragging an anchor behind you, no matter how much you rest.
For me, the MS diagnosis wasn’t just another illness—it was a permanent reminder that my body would continue to shift and evolve in ways I couldn’t control. It was one more thing I would need to accommodate, to adapt to, to plan for. I was no stranger to adjusting to new limitations; I had done it with EDS and all the complications it brought. But MS felt different. It was an illness that wasn’t just about pain or discomfort—it was about losing pieces of yourself, bit by bit, as your nervous system betrayed you.
Daily life with MS is a balancing act. On top of managing the complexities of my other conditions, I’ve had to become more mindful of how I pace myself. I plan around my energy levels, rationing out my stamina like a finite resource. I make sure I have access to mobility aids at all times, knowing that my legs might decide to quit on me without notice. I’ve had to become more forgiving of my body’s limitations, allowing myself the grace to stop when I need to, even when I’d rather push through. It’s humbling, frustrating, and often terrifying.
Emotionally, receiving the MS diagnosis was a form of grief. It wasn’t just about losing physical abilities—it was about losing the vision I had of my future. I already knew I wasn’t going to have a “normal” life, but this felt like a confirmation that my life would always be shaped by illness, by the unpredictable whims of my body. I mourned for the things I hadn’t yet lost, fearing the day they might slip away. I mourned for the days I felt mentally sharp and physically strong, knowing those days might become fewer and further between.
But in all the complexity and heaviness of this new diagnosis, there is also resilience. My body, for all its betrayals, is still here. It’s still fighting. And in this community of people living with chronic illness, with MS, with conditions that shift the ground beneath our feet, I’ve found a sense of belonging that anchors me. I’m reminded that we aren’t alone in our struggles, even though it often feels that way. In sharing our stories, we share our strength.
If you’re reading this and facing your own diagnosis, or you’re somewhere in the murky waters of uncertainty, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. It’s okay to grieve, to be angry, to be scared. But you aren’t alone. There’s a community waiting with open arms, ready to catch you when you fall. Together, we’re stronger than we are alone. We may not be able to control the storm, but we can hold on to each other through it. And sometimes, that’s enough to see us through.
Community will keep my head above water. It always has. It always will.
#MultipleSclerosis #EhlersDanlosSyndrome