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Trying to find hope

I got a lumbar puncture yesterday and it was absolutely horrible. I knew there was a chance it would show up clear, and it did, but I’m so upset. I felt like it was so scary and painful to do, just to feel like we’ve gotten no further. I’ve had a EEG and an MRI. Both clear. I’ve been sitting here just waiting to them to figure out what’s going on and I’m starting to doubt I’m sick. Maybe I’m just crazy. Or incredibly lazy (unintentional rhyme)! I don’t know how to believe myself and I’m losing faith in my mom that she has the right diagnosis.

#ChronicDepression #losinghope #MedicalMystery #LumbarPunctures #MRI #EEG

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I was doing so well...

Like for many others, this year has been extremely difficult on my depression. I struggled with an intense depressive episode for several months and finally sought out medical and mental help.
August and September I was feeling a little better (mentally) but still not my regular self. October I decided to try start taking CBD to treat my anxiety and had great results.
Around that same time I also started taking a different antidepressant and things seemed to be falling into place for me which was encouraging. Halfway through October I began experiencing itchy hive flares on random pets of my body so I stopped taking the antidepressant, assuming that was the cause.
It wasn’t.
I have had itchy hives outbreaks almost every day since October. I went to see an allergist two weeks ago who ordered a bunch of blood tests. Today was my follow up and nothing unusual showed in the tests. He suggested I abstain from consuming cannabis (legal here) for at least three days to rule that out as a trigger.
Every evening I take both CBD and regular cannabis to relax and have not only felt better mentally and emotionally, but also really enjoy it. Aside from the hives, I haven’t felt this good in years. The thought of potentially not being able to partake in something that helps me feel better and that I enjoy is really negatively affecting me.
Tonight is the first night I haven’t had any and I am so sad. I can feel myself slipping into that familiar darkness from earlier this year. Part of me is willing to put up with the hives just to be able to make my brain feel better.
This is gonna be a long few days... 😞 #Depression #Cannabis #Hives #MedicalMystery #thissucks

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She's Like The Moon By Mica Warsop.

A feminine being with chronic illness, chronic pain and chronic stress on the body and mind, always has to hide part of her spirit or life.
In life she hides her emotional vulnerability,
just how much pain she's in physically
& how much she has to really maintain, mentally.
In spirit she hides from herself, the truth of her physical reality... the lack of support she feels from her body, and the lack of control she can gain with self, there really is no independently for this lady.

She knows the truth, she knows in life, she'll always lose, with regards to health and understanding, she knows chronic illness is maddening. But tells herself repeatedly she's here to bring awareness to society. She's always felt like a medical mystery.

This is the life of a women who is like the moon, living with chronic illness, she's always in a mood, but she still has the most powerful light, her spirit is still bright.

#ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Depression #MedicalMystery


Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

It says “share what’s on your mind” but what if I can’t actually make sense of what’s on my mind? Thoughts forever racing and a fog is so thick some days I can barely function. I’m a single mom so I don’t have the freedom to stay in bed all day despite how much I want to at times. But I know I’m not able to be the best mom possible right now... in fact most days I feel like a pretty lousy one at best.

I used to be so smart and creative , just lacked the drive and confidence to apply myself. I would give anything to go back to that time and actually put my intelligence to good use.

Back before the brain injury, before pregnancy, before the Russian roulette of various medical specialists all telling me they “don’t know” why my body and brain just keeps malfunctioning. Now a days I just find myself dreaming of doing big things and longing desperately to be able to live out even one of those dreams. I wish I would have made use of my abilities to live my life to the absolute fullest.

Now it all seems like a case of the should’a, would’a, could’as I guess...

#MedicalMystery #feelinghopeless #ChronicPain #Depression #BrainFog



Going to yet another appointment tomorrow. It’s been four years since I got “sick.” What even is the point anymore. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I want to live but not the life of a stranger, that’s currently happening. A mind, body, & face I don’t even recognize. I’m sure I’ll go in tomorrow & sob & tell my story & leave without anything. Do I even have anything to start with. At 25 I feel like my life is over & I’ll never get it back. #MedicalMystery #Depression #weightgain #BrainFog #MoonFace #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MuscleWasting #FacialParalysis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #RaynaudsDisease