mistakes

I don't have followers on here and I've been flying under the radar when it comes to facebook or human contact. I can't face anyone nor trust anyone to talk with except for a counselor. I messed up my life that there seems to be no hope, no redemption, and no support. My own mother yelled at me last night after I told her I was getting kicked out from my ex's place after being lied to and strung along and calling him out on it. She yelled at me for being stupid enough to trust him again. I had my reservations, but didn't have anywhere else to go either. I sold myself out, I knew what I was doing and was stooping to an all time low moving in with him. It was either my son and I live in a dangerous house that was falling down or resort to a safely built dwelling with an abusive/toxic narcissist who could charm his way back into your life just long enough to have you foiled. I ended my career 4 years ago after remarrying another narcissist and being promised the world, then to encounter cancer and it's treatments and to be left by him. My career has zero mercy of forgiveness for leaving the field let alone forgiveness for putting your family first. You could tell me to get a new job, fat chance. 2 of my degrees are limiting to this particular field and it doesn't allow for lateral moves and isn't current for today's job market. I once was someone important, had big roles and positions, and now I'm a big waste. I still am living with cancer issues and appointments, have no hope for jobs after submitting my curriculum vitae over 100 times. Adding salt to injury, I abruptly ended my career after a nervous breakdown with a boss who was a tyrant hence bringing on career suicide. I told my then husband it would end my career forever, he encouraged me by promising me he would take care of me and that we didn't need the money. I hated my boss, but always attached myself to my job title. It was who I was. But, I cracked after the world was caving in on me with so many stressors. The stress hasn't ended, last night after seeing the demise of my mistakes and zero hope of gaining new employment (by the way, I have short term memory problems so learning a new skill was not advised by a doctor) I reached the end of myself. I tried to end it, unsuccessfully. Today, he (the ex, is still insisting I leave but he'll keep my son.) I should have seen it coming, just like my mother had said. I'm an idiot, a waste, and have zero desire to live. My son would be better off without a crazy mom who can't attain work or a decent housing. I'm a middle aged "has been" left with no hope. I actually believe I deserve it for making so many mistakes, being too trusting, and wrecking my life. I have fallen for two charmers who turned into the most cruel men I have ever known and don't trust my own choices nor discernment. I have nowhere to turn. I once was a somebody now I'm nothing. I'm better off dead at this point. Living is pure hell, there's no joy nor hope for a better life.

I always seem to say the wrong f thing and alienate people. I sent a text saying I hate everyone but still had book club and sent it to book club. I meant to say general public and not friends but I didn’t. Then I tried to explain by saying I had a very bad day and jokingly said that I love my friends but hate most people. I am now not hearing from anyone and I feel so badly about it. I feel misunderstood bc I thought they’d understand I meant that they were my friends and not just people but it didn’t go well and now I’ve alienated people again. I am really in a shame spiral and don’t know how to fix it.

#mistakes

I usually don’t put my business out there. But hi, my name is kourtney. I’m 23 I live in Conway SC and I have a one year old. I do have a boyfriend who is not the father of my child but does help in some cases. He has emotionally cheated on me before and now everything he does I am really sensitive over. I’m not sure how to really get over it. it’s eating at me and I ask myself everyday am I still good enough? is he going to do it again? no matter how many times he says he isn’t idk something inside of me just says hmm idk. the girl he was talking to behind my back works with him. so that makes it harder. they say nothing happened between them and they would only talk about mine and his relationship and they were never into each other. (him and I used to argue badly everyday). He says he didn’t talk to her everyday either. He says it was sometimes. idk what to think. I want this to work more than anything. but I’m not sure I can get over it that quickly I’m still kind of hurt.