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I am officially one of those women who stays in an emotionally abusive relationship and allows a man to take advantage of her. And allows herself to get sweet-talked into letting him stay in her life after she has gathered up the strength to demand him to leave. #Nohope


I have recently been open about my mental health struggles, which has caused my own "support" system/sister and 19 y/o daughter to label me as "dramatic", "crazy", etc. I'm fighting Leukemia alone now, since they were named as my medical proxy and caregiver. On top of my diagnosis, I'm struggling with chemobrain and the short term memory loss and all THAT causes as well. My BPD, Bipolar disorder, and my PTSD (currently getting worse sure to recent traumas on top of traumas, added to attempted murder and rape in 2008) is a big struggle alone so adding in my chronic pain, my chemo resistant body trying to fight Leukemia (for everyone else), I'm feeling extremely alone. My own family is so toxic, uncaring, and selfish that all they care about is what can be done for them. My thoughts and feelings are so hopeless, confusing, angry, sad, all the negative things and all 3 of my mental health people I speak to are changing things. My therapist isn't trained for the severity of my PTSD/Flashbacks. I need extremely specialized trauma therapy that's really only available at the V. A. (I've never been in the military.) So after 2 years of being my therapist, I'm feeling unable to really talk openly. I FINALLY have a psychiatrist after not having one since about December. I was told she was only temporary and I'm getting someone new. I cannot go through my trauma and stuff again. I'm usually the person that sits quietly, waiting for the hour to be over because I can't relive the evil I know exists. So now that I'm getting comfortable with her, I'm being assigned to someone else. Last, my case manager who I'm FINALLY good with, he came to tell me about my psychiatrist, ALSO that I'm getting a new case manager next week.

I'm struggling as it is, so for my daughter who is compassionate to everyone else to be treating me this way, while I don't have anyone to talk to that I trust is upsetting. To put it nicely. How do I even talk to her? For perspective, I'm not allowed to get the covid vaccine because it is too dangerous for me. My oncologist is on record, saying it could kill me. My daughter works in public and absolutely REFUSED to be vaccinated, until she decided to fly to see friends. Since one of them has a baby in the home, she was immediately vaxxed so she could visit the friend.

#help #whatshouldido #Depression #Leukemia #nohelp #Nohope #Imnotcrazy #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder


What the hell now

I’ve been doing ect for awhile. The average is 10 . I’m on number 17. I still am very depressed. I take meds and see a therapist. I swear I eat right , workout and treat myself right. Lately I’m just angry and very depressed. My doctor said Ect would work. I can’t take the headaches and pain. #Depression #verybad #Nohope

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it’s been a couple of rough weeks lately. This year was supposed to be my year of attending university, but i came across obstacles. firstly most universities couldn’t accept me because there was no space and other universities couldn’t accept me because i didn’t qualify enough for their courses. i felt so inadequate. So now i found a school for performing Arts. and Performing arts is really my passion. it’s what i want to study most in this world. The school is so expensive and i feel like such a burden to my parents. My mom said i shouldn’t worry about the cost , she’ll make a plan but it still doesn’t sit well with me because we’ve been worrying about it ever since. we’re all so scared. we’ve tried so many schools, i even offered to stay at home and find a job or volunteer at places so i can apply for a cheaper school next year. on top of that we’ve been arguing a lot lately. My dad doesn’t support me at all. i really don’t have a proper relationship with him. all we do is fight. i feel like such a burden. like i shouldn’t have been born. i really don’t know what to do. i could use some words of encouragement and hope. i’m really praying for a breakthrough 😔 #Anxiety #anxious #Worried #worry #Burden #Nohope #worthless #School #Fear #Inadequate #scared #Hope #encouragement #light #toughfewdays #depressed #Depression


Self Loathing

Struggling with not blaming myself for others not liking me. Struggling with accepting me for me. #self -hatred #selfloathing #Nohope


#mistakes #careersuicide #Nohope #PTSD #whoami #lonely #blewit

I don't have followers on here and I've been flying under the radar when it comes to facebook or human contact. I can't face anyone nor trust anyone to talk with except for a counselor. I messed up my life that there seems to be no hope, no redemption, and no support. My own mother yelled at me last night after I told her I was getting kicked out from my ex's place after being lied to and strung along and calling him out on it. She yelled at me for being stupid enough to trust him again. I had my reservations, but didn't have anywhere else to go either. I sold myself out, I knew what I was doing and was stooping to an all time low moving in with him. It was either my son and I live in a dangerous house that was falling down or resort to a safely built dwelling with an abusive/toxic narcissist who could charm his way back into your life just long enough to have you foiled. I ended my career 4 years ago after remarrying another narcissist and being promised the world, then to encounter cancer and it's treatments and to be left by him. My career has zero mercy of forgiveness for leaving the field let alone forgiveness for putting your family first. You could tell me to get a new job, fat chance. 2 of my degrees are limiting to this particular field and it doesn't allow for lateral moves and isn't current for today's job market. I once was someone important, had big roles and positions, and now I'm a big waste. I still am living with cancer issues and appointments, have no hope for jobs after submitting my curriculum vitae over 100 times. Adding salt to injury, I abruptly ended my career after a nervous breakdown with a boss who was a tyrant hence bringing on career suicide. I told my then husband it would end my career forever, he encouraged me by promising me he would take care of me and that we didn't need the money. I hated my boss, but always attached myself to my job title. It was who I was. But, I cracked after the world was caving in on me with so many stressors. The stress hasn't ended, last night after seeing the demise of my mistakes and zero hope of gaining new employment (by the way, I have short term memory problems so learning a new skill was not advised by a doctor) I reached the end of myself. I tried to end it, unsuccessfully. Today, he (the ex, is still insisting I leave but he'll keep my son.) I should have seen it coming, just like my mother had said. I'm an idiot, a waste, and have zero desire to live. My son would be better off without a crazy mom who can't attain work or a decent housing. I'm a middle aged "has been" left with no hope. I actually believe I deserve it for making so many mistakes, being too trusting, and wrecking my life. I have fallen for two charmers who turned into the most cruel men I have ever known and don't trust my own choices nor discernment. I have nowhere to turn. I once was a somebody now I'm nothing. I'm better off dead at this point. Living is pure hell, there's no joy nor hope for a better life.


rough time

I was triggered 3 months ago by a bad hospital experience trying to get help while I was suicidal. since then it has been trauma compounded by more triggers compounded by more trauma. I'm now back to suicidal and can't get help. I wish things would get better but they're not. #suicidal #CPTSD #Trauma #alone #Nohope



Does anyone else find that, no matter how much is thrown on your plate, how overwhelmed you get, no matter how much you do, none steps up to help. the things that are extremely important to you, doesn't mean shit to anyone else? Everything get thrown on me, everything just unravels if I don't take care of it, only to get constantly put down, criticized and attacked from my Parents, siblings and family. My partner is good to me and doesn't criticize, he try's soo hard to build me up, but he works all the time, so everything is on me to handle. No matter how hard I try,I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, and am worthless and deserve to be alone. (according to my narcissist mother). I was attacked and stabbed with a dirty needle, and now I have HIV, Fibromyalgia, Hep C, Peripheral Neuropathy, osteo/rheumatoid arthritis, hypokalemia, essential hypertension, osteoporosis beginning stages of renal failure as well as depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, borderline personality disorders, night terrors, insomnia, tremors and psychosis now, since this situation happened. It caused a mental break as I almost didn't survive and fought tooth and nail to live. Now all I hear from family, especially my mother is how she wished I would've died, how she hates me, how my own father hates my guts( haven't spoke to him in 10 yes cuz I'm gay), how I should just kill myself. I would absolutely love to walk a away, but my partner is employed through my mother, for a top 5 global corporation and I need the medical coverage to survive. I just don't know how to continue. I'm just not strong like I used to be and I'm sinking. any positive energy? I'm exhausted from being soo sad and hopeless. #Depression #Anxiety #narcissist #done #Nohope #BeingDeadMustBeBetterThanThis #mental


I'm So Tired of Everything #Nohope

I need to rest until it's all over. I don't want anything anymore. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed. I just want this all to end.


Fibromyalgia and Isolation

I’ve just gotten back home from a friend’s birthday celebration. I’ve been doing my best to pace my activity and so of course I left early whilst all my friends continued to socialise. Each time I am amongst able-bodied people I feel isolated, alone and out of place. My friends try not to make me feel this way but as my pain throughout the social gathering creeps in and completely takes over my thoughts I can’t help but feel alone in my fibromyalgia journey.

I am so depressed and really can’t see the point of looking to the “brighter side” of things when I believe there is nothing to look forward to anymore. I feel like I have completely lost my identity as a charismatic, strong young woman (age 23) and will never get her back.

#CheckInWithMe #Fibromyalgia #Depression #ChronicPain #Chronicpainstruggle #Nohope #Fibromyalgiabattle