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Feeling empty #Fakehappy #Undiagnosed

Usually gardening helps make me feel better. Not this year. I am trying to live off the land to cut food costs going out and for us to have healthier foods. I usually enjoy this. But, this year.. nothing is going right and it is sad and stressful.
I am trying to make memories with the kids and teach them... loose weight... and not snap for them destroying the house. I feel like a maide and used by all here. It feels like #Noonecares , but me.
Trying to deal with the house and then, outside with the mini orchard, greenhouse and poultry... and landscaping.... then, advocate for people who don't listen to me is frustrating and overwhelming. I feel lost and have small happy moments... but, they... nor the feeling lasts. I end up wanting to sleep and feeling alone and empty. I am a mom of 4 boys in the house with me. I can't allow this to consume me. So... #Fakehappy ... #JustBreathe and #smilethroughit without allowing disrespect. Teaching them to talk instead of scream or hit. I know they are likely feeling my masked energy. I don't know how to help it. Maybe some aroma therapy more or holistic medicine. It would help more if it would stop raining g so much. This is why my house gets to stay like junk in the summer. I have winter #SeasonalDepression ... so in the summer... I am all about soaking up the sun.
My husband was nice and sprayed the fenced in part of out backyard so all of us could be less attacked by the mosquitoes and enjoy the outdoors more. We all love being outside. We prefer it. I just want to hybranate in the winter. The issue? I gained sooo much weight. It js super slow to come off. I went from a 7/8 to a 14. 💯😳🤯 So... I had NO pants or shorts to wear. My legs tough and I am chafing. #Myhusbanddoesntunderstand any of my issues. I told him I don't care what he thinks about my weight! He doesn't have to deal with any of the pain from any of it. I am bigger than I was pregnant with ANY of my kids.
#Stress is NOT my friend on multiple levels. 😒 Even my Chiropractor noticed my new issues and how stressed I am. 😏
Dealing with a new mid-teenager that is a #higfunctioningspecialkid adds to the chaos of the house. We also have one that is not yet a preteen but acts like he is... he deals with #PTSD just like my husband (#combatveteran ), so.. different causes... but, not helpful for the energy of the house.
I #venttoafriends some... but, we don't all have the same environment.
Thanks for listening❣💯🥰


I went to see my psychiatrist, I told him that I needed to take a year off work. I told him that my job was making me sick

and exacerbating my depression, he said, nobody cares.(I am a teacher). He said if your job is that stressful , you need to find another job. I said, that's not it. I am really sick and need time to heal. He said, No one is going to pay me not to work because no one cares. I said, if I don't do it, I will most certainly die, he said, that's up to you. What should I do? #Noonecares #NoOnetoTrust


COVID Paranoia #itseverwhere

I get scared to take care of my physical health. And the time I took to see a specialist left me wondering WHY I even bothered.
#physicalhealth #HearingImpairment #earaches #badvision #lifegoeson #Noonecares



Eat, drink, sleep repeat

I have been doing so good for so long, I’ve always had body image problems when I was young I was anorexic for the last several months I have been on a weight loss drug but I realize it’s making my ibs worse so I stop talking it. Of course I’m sure I’m gaining weight I haven’t been able to get on the scale. But when I’m losing weight or trying to I tend to get on every day. All I seem to do is eat drink and sleep anymore. I work 6 days a week so I don’t have time for hobbies, or a social life (not like there’s anyone trying to be my friend anyways) Every time I gain weight my depression or bipolar gets worse I’m 5’3 and 140lbs. I know it’s in my head I know if I looked at someone else that was 5’3 and 140lbs I wouldn’t think twice about their weight. I’ve never been good enough on any level ever. This whole weekend my emotions have been all over the place with the quickness. I started looking forward to dinner time so it would be late enough in the day I can start drinking, that made me think I’m probably drinking too much. I’m sorry if this is horribly worded my thoughts r all over the place. Sorry I just need to talk to someone, husband is asleep and I have no friends cause no one cares. I never post any of my emotional crap on fb I have this place or a secret board on Pinterest. But today I posted a meme on fb about ‘stop texting first and see how many dead plants I’ve been watering’ I almost didn’t want to post it to get the fake responses that people miss me and care about me but I did anyways. And not a single person said anything they just liked the post. Because no one really cares until something bad happens then all of a sudden they loved you and miss you. #BipolarDepression #doingbadagain #Noonecares #wanttosleep #drinkingtoomuch #fatandlonely #wouldntbemissed


I want to know why #Noonecares

All my life, I’ve never hesitated when anyone, even strangers needed help. A few years ago, I went to an ATM on a legal holiday & the whole place was deserted. As I got closer to the grocery store which was closed, I heard arguing. A young man was sitting on a bench at the shopping center. In front of him was a large clear plastic bag with his clothes. In the parking lot, a woman in a car was yelling at this young man & it became clear they had broken up.
I don’t believe in a god or savior but I knew I had to help. I’m an old lady (at the time I was 57), the lot was deserted and it’s not the best area. I do not have a prejudiced bone in my body but walking up to any stranger now is risky. This young man was sitting there literally looking like an abandoned puppy and was visibly upset. He kept telling the woman in the car that they were done. I’ve gotten pretty good at reading people and I don’t know the details but this young man had been hurt by her somehow. I apologized for the intrusion and asked if he needed help. At first he was kind of in shock because he looked at me in disbelief and I’ll never forget the look on his face 😭.
I told him I didn’t have much money but pointed to my Toyota Tundra and said, “see that truck? It’s mine and I’ll take you wherever you need to go because you look like you could use a friend.” I thought he was going to cry. He threw the bag with all his worldly possessions in the back and climbed in the passenger seat. This was a 20 something African American guy who clearly needed help and an ex lady truck driver was the last person I’m sure he expected to appear in front of him at that moment. He had a friend who lived a few miles away and I told him it was on my way home so we just chatted for the 10 minute ride and I briefly told him my story of being abandoned by my husband and that I drove a truck for 16 years. We got to his friends house and he thanked me profusely and gave me a great big hug. I wished him well and waved as I drove away and he waved back with a smile on his face.
I share this story not for recognition but so anyone reading it understands how much I care about others.
This is my default response when someone needs help and is the reason I can still look at my wrinkled face every morning. I am an empath and I don’t know any other way to be.
But, there are people in the world who I’ve loved and given my heart and soul to who have wounded me. Sometimes I feel stupid because I give and give and give. My now ex husband was legally able to steal the home he abandoned because he had a lawyer and I couldn’t afford one. Because I am disabled, my only income is less than $800 a month from social security. It’s not enough to provide even basic needs. My adult daughter is continuing the emotional & verbal abuse inflicted upon us by her ex step father. I have no choice but to move into my truck to escape because a GoFundMe campaign didn’t raise a dime for a trailer.


My journey through a changing landscape

So the past couple of have been hard, but nothing like the past few years. I have now gone from fighting for control for FMS and ME to fighting for pain control for stage 4 breast cancer that has also spread to a rib, lymph nodes, sternum, lumbar spine, right iliac and my right femur. Why they can't just give me back the dosage I had up through February 2018? Is it really too much to ask? #MyPainPointOfView #Pain #Cancer #Intractablepain #Noonecares


No Responses Ever #poorapp #Noonecares #nobodycares #Depression

Think you #TheMighty and its users for allowing me to confirm that once again everything I say falls on deaf ears. I am not important enough to listen to. That's ok, I never have been. I don't even know why I'm still here on this pos site.