nvld

I find myself at a weird intersection in life.

I will admit that I'm someone who prefers texting when it comes to communication.

What I hadn't anticipated was it being a substitute for getting together in person, having phone and or video calls.

I have a friend that for years, the only way we communicated or interacted regarding our friendship was through text.

I try to initiate in-person plans without success. So I isolate and reaching out is harder to do.

I have trouble getting out and being social. I'm already so overwhelmed having to be in public that adding in "talking to and meeting new people" is pretty much impossible at that point.

When I bring up what I'm struggling with people are often dismissive and that makes in harder to open up in the future.

I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's been hard.

#Anxiety #Friendship #PTSD
#nvld #Depression #Isolation #Connection

#ADHD Hi! I’m new here. Female, age 40, and just diagnosed with ADHD, which honestly I’ve suspected for years. The reason I decided to finally prioritize my health is because I have a step-child with #nvld and a 4 year old who is reminding me so much of myself when I was her age- difficulty with self-regulation, lots of quick to frustration, non-stop talking, fidgeting, etc.
I wanted to model for my family that there is nothing wrong with us. It’s awesome to learn our weaknesses and ask for help.

Where I’m at is I was put on Adderall XR 20mg daily and for the first few days I was so happy I could have cried! I felt calmer, so much less irritated- I was feeling so overwhelmed and over stimulated by the non-stop noise of my household, able to focus… then after a few days that waned. Now I do feel a bit less scattered but wondering if this has happened to anyone and if I should ask my doc? Thanks!

So after reading my previous post, you know that 12/8/21 was really bad but something I did had snowballed even though it wasn’t that big.
When I was trying to keep myself together after my aunt’s cat died, I told my boss that I was overwhelmed and I flicked the clipboard (like a frisbee) and it accidentally hit a coworker. I was embarrassed because my dyspraxia over did the angle and apologized and my coworker said it was fine but my other coworkers thought I didn’t. I was told to apologize repeatedly and I did it a second time but they must not have seen it or heard it. One coworker confronted me about it and I bent over because my stomach was acting up and she said “I’m not falling for that, your fake crying won’t work on me”. I lost it, she always told me to “get over it” and other things like that when I got emotional and from anxiety. I told her she was the most un sympathetic person I have ever met. I ran out and was told to go home because of my emotional state but my coworkers thought I was mad because I had to apologize.

Two days later I was feeling better and thought work was going fine but my boss said she called my job coach for a meeting. At 2:00 that day I was told my employment was terminated. They said my attitude was out of control and my “suicide attempt” made them feel that I’m not a good fit. I cried and yelled at them because they made me that way and they caused everything and couldn’t accept my autism. My boss even claimed I threw the clip board at her which a called a lie and then called her a demon but I honestly do think a demon is in that workplace because normal people go crazy there (past people who left the job said it was because it was crazy). I kept crying and calling them liers as I took my stuff out of my locker and my job coach boss was there instead of my job coach so I yelled at her for allowing this to happen. I was being watched by two male coworkers because they thought I would go nuts, and they threatened to bring security. I left and my job coach supervisor wanted to make sure I was okay before I drove home. I told her I wished I had jumped that day and she made me talk to one of her company’s counselors, I told the counselor how I feel this second person take over when I get stressed and I argue with her a lot since having that job. The counselor thought I just needed to find support and find a better job.
So that week pretty much ended my life and I still feel like a failure.

Exactly a week ago my life came crushing down and I feel like there’s no way out.
First my aunt died from lymphoma in August and we got her cat that I loved more than anything else. Sadly she stopped eating at the start of this month and had fatty liver disease, we only had her for 3 months. The emergency vet put her on a feeding tube for 3 days but she was refusing that too. We think she was depressed because my aunt and the her whole family she lived with are dead. I wanted her to stay alive but I could tell it was the end because she couldn’t move far and peed on herself. My mom felt it was time to let her go and called for someone to come to our house to euthanize her. I was sad because she was still eating treats but saw that it was time too so I was there at home, alone when the sweet animal hospice vet came to end her suffering. I begged her to stay with me and asked got to take me instead of her. After it was done I had to work at my part time job and had to explain that I was late because I was crying in the car and that I was depressed because I felt guilty over her death. The next day I did not want to go to my full time job but I had to and I tried to keep myself together but my guilt was too strong. I was stressed from the people there and lashed out, I was sent home for being overly emotional 😭
The rest of the day I just hid from my stepdad and got all my cries out.
I thought that would be it for my sadness for that week but the worse was still to come and something I did this day would lead to a bad end for a chapter in my life.

So after the SOS post I did my boss seemed to be fine with me; she told me to forget about that day and to do busy work while I wait for patients to finish eating and even helped me with my worker’s compensation claim for being admitted to the ER for suicidal ideation. I am holding a grudge against the coworker who caused the incident and plan to ignore him. I will never forgive him for the pain he caused and shall act as though he is dead because to me he is.
Well my job coach came by and talked to me about it last Thursday and now I might need a new one. She told me that my attitude and behavior is what’s causing the problems and I’m a hypochondriac for looking up things about autism and my physiology. She claims I can control my meltdowns and that I fake blacking out. She thinks me disassociating isn’t real and that even when I get hypoglycemic I can control my actions. She also thinks I’m abusing the accommodation system and that texting my mom during our meetings isn’t normal but rude.
I try to calm down when I feel a meltdown coming on but I get in trouble for leaving my coworkers when I need a breather. I use all the things it says online to calm down but sometimes I just burst from keeping it in. I even try to eat small snacks but some of my coworkers don’t think hypoglycemia is real and tell me to wait. I get overwhelmed and then black out, see myself in 3rd person and when I comeback I cry because I can’t believe I lost control. This only happens frequently at my full time job, my part time job coworkers know my triggers and how to respond to me. My job coach never seemed to educate my managers about my diagnosis and blames me for everything that happens.
I want to know if my actions are normal for autism/NVLD people and if disassociation is a real thing. How can I educate my job coach about this and should I look for a new job coach and a new job? Is this behavioral or my brain being wired differently?

I’ve had this job since August 2019 and I got it through my job coach and DRS as a food tray delivery person for a hospital . I’ve dealt with a lot of shit including a verbally abusive boss who I got fired. Somehow lately it seems like they are getting mad at me for things I’ve been doing since I started working here; using my notes on my phone, regular meal breaks, pill breaks, going out to calm down, and today taking time to wait for the elderly patients to eat.
I got in trouble today for taking a longer than 15 minute break because I was waiting for the older patients to finish eating which I have done since my first day here. They said I wasn’t following procedures and making them look bad. I did get in trouble for voicing opinions which I consider as saying the truth. They want me to be sent home but I told them my Stepdad has borderline personality disorder and will kick me out of the house if I get fired or don’t stay a full day here. I don’t feel safe anywhere and I can’t get in contact with my job coach. I’m contemplating either running to live in the woods or dying.
Does anyone know what I can do?